Tarrion and the City.

EP 1.

If you keep up with my social media, then you’d know that I moved to NYC 2 months ago. And if you’re in my close friends, then you’d also know just how crazy my life has been since living here.

My friends often make the joke or compare my life to Sex and the City and there might be some truth to it. Similarly, I’m a writer. I’m young and I’m in the streets. I’ve been living my best Carrie Bradshaw- esque life and I’ve already learned so much about dating, work/life balance and friendship.

I went on my first date my second week living here and I’ve been going on dates until last week. I’ve met some wonderful men, but none of them are interesting… enough. Yet, they are great people, just not my people. Doctors, lawyers, writers, finance, tech bros and all the other exciting stuff.

One evening I had 3 dates in the same night, all planned near each other, and luckily I made it to all three. Even though one was a 50min commute on the train, I ran late to the last two because they were further apart. On another night I had to leave a date early because one guy was waiting outside of my house while I was deep in Manhattan (I live in Brooklyn).

I moved here with the spirit of trying new things and stepping out of my comfort zone. So much so, I tried something new and had a casual relationship. I met this guy on Tinder, we had a pleasant chat and initially were looking for the same thing. Basically we agreed on mutual expectations, so I gave it a go. However, it lasted a week because, honestly, the hookup thing isn’t for me.

The first time we hung out, we spent an hour talking and getting to know each other and next thing you know… my pants were around my ankles :/. I didn’t plan on that happening because we were just supposed to be chilling, but one thing led to another. It’s been two years since the last time I’ve been physical with someone and I was mad nervous.

Was it enjoyable? Absolutely! I used to talk about my last partner and complain to my friends about it lasting 7 minutes. I used to PRAYYYY to the ancestors and ask that my next partner would last longer and I guess they heard me because after 25 minutes … I was asking them to help him finish ;/. It was just too much for too long! It was fun and it felt good, but I was getting tired.

The next time we had sex I didn’t really want to but I was prepared for it. We were watching the new Matilda on Netflix, then boom :). We stopped after a few minutes because neither of us were in the mood to do it. So instead we were sitting on his couch, naked, having a little heart to heart.

I expressed that this whole “hook-up” thing is really new to me, and as much as I would like to enjoy it, I don’t. It wasn’t an odd or difficult conversation, but I was clear about not wanting to do this again. He was really cool and very attractive, but I didn’t like him. There wasn’t much to find interesting about him because before this heart to heart, we didn’t talk about much. We just planned days to link and did what grown people do. That was it.

I thought I was missing something, and I was low-key jealous of my friends and their casual relationships because it seemed fun. I don’t know if I felt like I was missing out on attention or relationships. But now I know for a FACT that I don’t want this and it feels so good to be okay with not doing what everyone else is doing.

And I’ve yet to have a “hoe” phase. I’ve only been intimate with one person and I although I’ve entertained the idea of casually hooking up, I was afraid of judgment. From others and myself. I just kind of lived through others and their experiences because I didn’t have the guts to get out there and do it myself. Until now (lol).

Honestly, things started to click and make sense in my head while talking to him. This wasn’t enough for me. After conquering a new challenge in my dating life, I ordered my car and headed home. I felt free, powerful, and I had this great sense of confidence.

I had a top 3 but I’ve cut everyone off because I really just want to focus on me. I’m not on any apps and I don’t plan on meeting people through the phone. Only in person. It’s been two fun months of running around, but I’m TIRED. I don’t want a man right now. But if I did, I would want more. Also, I don’t even think I like men, but that’s another story.

Happy New Year! Also, Perplexxed made 3 years on the first!!!

With Love ––

Perplexxed.

OBSESSED.

I moved to New York City a month ago. And although it has been really fun, I’ve had to hear about the messy, bitter old bitches back home.

My father and my two older brothers. 

Last month, there were two features published about me, and in one I specifically mentioned rape. The significance of sharing that was to emphasize my openness with my readers. Because I am at my most vulnerable and honest when writing on my blog.

I highlighted the blog “Me, Too” in the feature and hours later my views were up for that post. The post is two years old and has been read thousands of times. I didn’t think anything about it when mentioning it because the story has been out.

That particular event is a slight moment in my beautiful life. A moment that I’ve not allowed to control or change how I treat people, how I love people and my ability to create relationships with new people. I haven’t let it define me and until I posted that story on my blog, I never told or talked about it with anyone.

My mom found out 5 minutes before posting it and I did that only because I know she reads my blogs. I don’t feel any way about it. Me sharing my truth allowed other people to confide in me. People from around the world with similar situations who’ve shared their lives’ experiences with someone they’ve never met. I created a space for others to feel seen and be safe. Because contrary to popular belief, men and boys are raped and sexually assaulted too.

Anywho… Can’t say the same for my father and brothers. Instead of my “family” reaching out to me, they chose to confront my mom because she didn’t tell them. Thomas Sr. expected my mom to tell him, although they don’t talk, and I’ve had several conversations with my father about boundaries and staying out of my business. Even though he doesn’t respect it or me, my mom does. I don’t have the same relationships with both of my parents. I don’t talk to my dad.

My older brothers are homophobic and while it doesn’t bother me most of the times. I just find it weird that I’m always a topic of discussion. I think they want to be me. They’re obsessed with me and my life. Unfortunately for them, they’re stuck in their lives. I think the biggest issue besides my sexuality is me being the “reason” for my parents’ divorce. Because to them, their father cheating on their mom was not enough for her to divorce him. I’m the reason for their father’s pain and suffering. I’m the reason that their lives are no longer the same. ME!

Yesterday, my brother decided to go on a diatribe about me and a traumatic event that I experienced in front of people who were not privy to that information. Exposing my YOUNG nieces and nephew to my personal business, making fun of rape in front of CHILDREN and my brother-in-law. Not liking me is one thing, but I feel like it’s a lot more than dislike. These people realllllllly hate me! Mainly, my oldest brother.

They can’t stand to see me happy, thriving and living my best life while they’re home being miserable. I get to wake up every morning and LIVE MY DREAMS while they have to do what they HAVE to do and not what they WANT to do. I would be mad if I was y’all too :/.

You three don’t ever have to worry about me. There is never a need for us to speak. You three no longer have any space in my life.

Now go on and share this post too🤧.

Rolling With The Punches.

Everyone has bad days. Unless you’re a robot or a saint, it’s almost inevitable that you’ll eventually have to deal with some sort of setback. Maybe your car breaks down, or maybe you fail an important test. Or maybe, just maybe, you find out that your significant other has been cheating on you for the past six months.

There are about a million different ways for things to go wrong in life, and we all have to figure out how to deal with it when they do. That’s where the idea of “rolling with the punches” comes into play. There will be moments in life when things do not go your way. And when those moments arise, it’s essential that you know how to cope with them effectively.

When you’ve had a setback, it can feel like the world is against you. Maybe you’re not graduating when expected, or maybe you fell out with your best friend. In any case, when things go bad, it’s natural to feel discouraged and want to give up—but bouncing back from failure is one of the most important things we can do in life.

Why? Because resilience is an essential part of success! The ability to recover from failure shows that we have strength and character that will help us overcome challenges in other areas of our lives, too. We learn from our mistakes and are better prepared for future challenges because we know how hard it was for us before we were able to recover from them successfully. And as I mentioned earlier, bouncing back just feels good! When life throws us curveballs (and they always do), it helps us stay positive by reminding us that everything works out eventually—even if there are some bumps along the way.

Sometimes life hits you with a punch.

And you don’t know how to handle it.

You can’t talk to your friends about it because they’ll just say “it’s okay” and “everything happens for a reason.” And maybe that’s true, but what if it’s not? What if it feels like your life is falling apart and there’s nothing you can do about it?

It’s okay to not be okay. You don’t have to pretend like everything is fine when it isn’t. You’re allowed to feel whatever you’re feeling at the moment. You’re allowed to seek help from others who have gone through similar experiences as yourself.

The only thing that will make this moment better is time—and even then, there will always be moments when you feel like nothing has changed at all. That’s why I believe in this quote so much: “When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.” It doesn’t matter what kind of lemons life gives you—whether they are sour or sweet—you can still make something good out of them!

Everyone makes mistakes. That’s just a fact, and it’s one you can’t control. We often beat ourselves up for things that happened in the past; it could be something as minor as simple miscommunication, or something more serious, like getting into a physical altercation.

There’s a lot to be learned from mistakes. You can’t always be perfect, but you can learn from your failures and put that knowledge into practice the next time you face a similar situation. In the heat of the moment, we might make a hasty decision or say something that we don’t really mean, and that’s okay. Not everyone practices self-control in heated situations. Learning how to avoid making the same mistake twice is one of the best lessons we can take away from our mistakes. Knowing our limits is also crucial.

One of the best ways to learn from our mistakes is to be honest with ourselves about what happened and why. If we’re not honest with ourselves, then it’ll be hard for us to figure out what went wrong and how we could have done things differently. It is also okay to accept the fact that you fucked up. Don’t be too scared or so immature that you don’t accept fault or blame. We’re human.

Give yourself permission to feel whatever you’re feeling, even if that means anger, sadness, or frustration. When you’re going through a hard time, it can be easy to get caught up in the negative feelings and doubt yourself. You might feel like you’ll never get out of the hole you’ve found yourself in, or that your situation is so bad that there’s no way out.

As you’re getting over a rough time, it’s important to give yourself time to heal. Don’t rush through the process. Don’t try to pretend like nothing happened and don’t be hard on yourself. Try being gentle with yourself by taking things one day at a time, give yourself the time and space to figure how to navigate through the situation.

Take time to heal after an enormous loss or disappointment—you’ll get back on track more quickly if you give yourself some space to process. This has been my experience for the last few months. I’ve had to accept my reality, reset, and restructure. It may not always be easy, but try embracing kindness and self-compassion as much as possible (especially when things aren’t going your way). Remember that everyone goes through hard times at some point in life—but we can all help each other by supporting one another through those tough times!

With Love—

Perplexxed <3.

Coasting.

When we’re kids, the world is a giant playground, an amusement park filled with fun and excitement. Life is a rollercoaster ride that has its ups, downs, twists and turns. As we get older, the thrill of going on a rollercoaster slowly starts to fade away. We start to take things seriously and think about our future more than anything else in life. It’s like climbing up that hill as an adult; it’s slow going, almost too slow at times. But when you’re stuck in the same place for too long, everything starts to look the same. And so at some point in your life you have to ask yourself: Is this it? Do I have to settle for this small rollercoaster ride? Because there are other people who don’t seem afraid to take chances on new adventures. So what do you do? You coast — or at least attempt to coast — until something awesome comes along again.


Fear is an emotion that holds us back from experiencing the life we want to live. You could be afraid of failure, of disappointment, of change, or of not knowing what the future holds. Most of us have at least one fear holding us back from moving forward in our lives. Overcoming these fears can greatly improve your ability to coast through life. You might not be able to control every aspect of your life, but you can control how you react to it. Being able to let go of your fears can help you coast through life and experience more of the things you want to in life.


Coasting through life means you have to focus on the present more than you do on what’s ahead of you. Otherwise, you could get stuck in a rut and forget to enjoy the journey at hand. While it’s important to have goals and know where you’re going, it can be just as important to enjoy where you are right now. So try to enjoy the smaller moments in life, such as the feeling of wind in your hair or the sound of the waves crashing against the shore. You never know when one of these moments could be the last one in your life, so it’s important to focus on enjoying them.

Don’t be afraid to make changes.

Sometimes, the only way to get yourself unstuck from a rut is to make a drastic change in your life. You might have to move to a new city, change jobs, or make other drastic changes in your life to get yourself unstuck. It might be scary to make big changes, but they can be necessary when you’re coasting through life. Coasting through life doesn’t necessarily mean you have to stay in one place and do the same thing over and over again. Instead, coasting through life is more about being content with where you are in your life and making changes as you see fit. You don’t have to rush into anything drastic or make changes for the sake of making them.


Life is a journey that never truly ends, even when you’re an adult. As you get older, you might feel like this journey is slower than it was in your younger days, but that doesn’t mean it’s any less important. While it’s important to enjoy the journey at hand, you should also be mindful of the journey you have ahead of you. Because even though you might be coasting through life, you still have to remember that you’re always in motion. No matter what you do, your life will never be completely still. So be sure to keep your eyes open and enjoy the ride.


There will always be ups and downs in life, and it’s important to embrace this. Don’t be afraid to take chances on new adventures, even if it means you have to go through a few downs along the way. Because the downs are what make the ups that much more amazing. So whatever you do, don’t let life pass you by. Instead, be present in the moment and enjoy the journey.

**These next posts (including “Living in Fear?”) are posts about where I’ve been during my hiatus and even where I am now. Mentally, Physically, and Emotionally. I am blessed to be surrounded by friends that not only get it but are also trekking on their own journeys. Soon, I’ll be sharing some great news with you all about my newest journey. I am so grateful and blessed by all of my readers, supporters, and subscribers. Thanks to you all, my last post achieved a WordPress milestone and I can’t stop crying from the joy and appreciation of you all. **

With Love,

— Perplexxed.

Living in Fear?

Are you often afraid of something? Do you find yourself avoiding activities or people that make you feel nervous? Perhaps you’re even reluctant to take risks because of your fears. It’s completely natural to be afraid from time to time, but when fear affects every part of your life and lasts for extended periods of time, it may be time to do something about it. Fear is not a bad thing – in fact, it’s a sign that you are aware of the potential danger in a certain situation. However, having an excess amount of fear can prevent you from living your life to the fullest and keep you from achieving your greatest potential. Fear comes in many forms: There is the fear of failure, which stops most people from trying new things; there is also the fear of rejection, which makes many people shy away from romantic relationships; and there is the fear of taking on too much stress, which prevents people from taking on new projects or promotions at work. If left unchecked, these fears can significantly limit what we are able to achieve in our lives. Fortunately, by challenging your fears instead of letting them control you, you can shift your perspective and move forward with confidence.

Talk to People Who Comfort and Inspire You

If you’re struggling with fear, talk to people who have been through similar situations and can reassure you that everything will be okay. This can be difficult if you don’t have many close relationships, so consider joining a club, taking a class, or volunteering where you will meet new people who can support you through your struggles. Talk to your friends and family members about what you are going through. They may not fully understand your fears, but sharing your worries with loved ones can help you put things into perspective and make you feel less alone.

Remember That You Are in Control

As scary as it may be, remember that you are in control of your thoughts and feelings. We have the power to choose how we react to situations, even if they are nerve-wracking. No one can make you feel a certain way unless you allow them to. As you become more aware of your fears, you can also become more aware of the thoughts that lead to these feelings. Once you recognize what your fears are based on and where they come from, you can begin to change your perspective. You can learn to use your rational thoughts to come to your senses when you feel like you are losing control.

Challenge Your Scariest Fears

Take some time to think about the fears that cause you the most stress. What topics make you feel the most anxious? What situations make you want to hide in a corner? When you know what your scariest fears are, you can start to challenge them. For example, let’s say you’re afraid of public speaking. To challenge this fear, start by talking to people who will support you and help you feel more comfortable. Find a mentor who has more experience public speaking.

Take Small Steps Towards Your Bigger Goals

Whether you are trying to overcome a fear or pursue a life-changing goal, it is best to tackle things in small, manageable steps. When you try to take on too much at once, you risk becoming overwhelmed, frustrated, and overwhelmed. Taking small steps will allow you to progress towards your dreams at a comfortable pace, which can help you to reduce stress and anxiety. For example, if you have always wanted to pursue a certain degree but are worried that you’re not smart enough, consider taking a class or two at a local college before making the full-time commitment.

Practice Being Comfortable Again

As you challenge your scariest fears and take steps towards achieving your goals, you may notice that your anxiety levels gradually decrease. However, if your fears continue to rule your life, you can try the following methods to help you relax: – Create an environment that comforts you – Have a special place that you can go to whenever you feel stressed or anxious. This could be a room in your house, a garden, or a park bench where you know you will feel safe and comfortable. – Practice meditation – If you’ve never meditated before, you may think that this is just for people who want to clear their minds of all thoughts. In reality, meditation is perfect for people who are too hyperactive or cannot stop fidgeting. – Go for a walk – Exercise has been proven to help reduce stress levels, so walk around your neighborhood or go for a jog if you are able to. – Listen to music – Music is a great way to relax your mind and body. – Eat healthy – Make sure that you are eating healthy foods, as this can also help you to relax.

Conclusion

Fear doesn’t have to control your life. By challenging your scariest fears and taking steps to reduce your anxiety, you can reduce the impact that fear has on your daily life. By being aware of your fears, you can gain the power to choose how you react to situations, which can help you to overcome your fears and move forward with confidence. Remember, the only way to move past your fears is by facing them head on. Take small steps towards your goals and challenge your scariest fears. With time, you will be able to let go of your fears and live the life you’ve always wanted.

With love, — Perplexxed.

TwoSix.

Hiiiiiiiiiii! It’s been a couple of months since my last post, but here we are. Although I haven’t been posting, I’ve been writing during this down time and I’m happy to get back to sharing and growing with you all.

I moved to Houston a day after my birthday (omggg I’m 4 years away from 30). It wasn’t the easiest decision when first thinking about making the move, but over time, the answer and the need became extremely clear.

I visited Houston in early March while on Mardi Gras break to spend time with family and friends. What was supposed to be a quick get-a-way from the stress and troubles of life turned into a moment of releasing and giving up a ton of weight. Before returning home, I was stressed, depressed and just really going through it. My days were literally the same, over and over. 

When I booked my flight to Houston, I could not wait to LEAVE. Honestly, I had the time of my life during my visit home. I laughed, danced, ate reallllly good food, and so much LOVE surrounded me. When booking my trip, I was staying for three days but I pushed my flight back and stayed for two more days.  

On my last day, hours before my flight to New Orleans, I asked my mom if I could move back. Taken aback and visibly confused, she gives me a look before responding “What?”. “I remember asking you a while ago if you wanted to move back or thought about moving back and you just shot it down.. you didn’t even think about it”. And she was right. Back when she asked me, I wasn’t ready to move back. Then, I felt like I would be giving up and I wasn’t ready to let go. As we continued to talk, I felt excitement in her tone. I think she knew I wasn’t okay. I was trying to find a balance in my life.. I was actively searching for a new apartment because my lease was ending and I just felt like things were continuously and consistently being thrown at me.

When I got back to New Orleans, I began to plan and pack so that I could move to Houston. I had to put my two weeks’ notice in at work and schedule meetings with my professors and advisors to finish my semester in Houston. After organizing my affairs, I finally shared the news with friends, coworkers, and acquaintances. I had a small birthday/ going away purrty at one of my fav places in the city. We drank, took pictures and ate food until leaving. Kourtnie and MY mama, Lisa, brought a red velvet cake and everyone sung “Happy Birthday” in the middle of Bayou Beer Garden (I felt so odd because people were watching and singing along). After leaving the party, I went home and packed up my car, then drove to Houston at 5am.

The decision wasn’t a hard one to make, but what made it bittersweet was choosing to leave my framily (friends turned family). Going from seeing them almost daily to now being 300+ miles away sucks. Even though we talk all day, every day. I miss them so much! My friends have been my safe space, a home away from home. They’ve been through the lowest of lows with me. Times where I felt too embarrassed to share certain events/moments they were always there. 

I’ve been back for about 3 months and I’m still readjusting. I’ve been gone for 5+ years, some things are verrrry different. Thankfully, all of my family is here and so are my best friends. Since moving back, I’ve been out more than I was in New Orleans. There’s always something to do. And I’ve become reacquainted with distant/old friends. But being out too much hasn’t helped me find balance.

I haven’t had a lot of alone time; I see most of my family and my friends often. Then they’re the holidays. Stuff is just back to back. In New Orleans, I spent a lot of time by myself, whether it be at home or out, but now I live with my parents. AND I am not used to talking to people every day :/. It can be very overwhelming sometimes, but it’s been super helpful. Seeing and talking to people regularly helps with not feeling alone, my depression and anxiety. Spending time with my parents daily is helpful, no matter how annoying my mom may be. My best friend, Ivy, has been a tremendous help in feeling better about returning home. 

More than anything, I do not want to use this time incorrectly, this time and this move is giving me the space that I need to make myself whole. For a while, I’ve seriously considered taking antidepressants to help. But now, I’m in the perfect environment to grow and really focus on bettering myself in a way that does not include medication. I don’t want to continue to struggle mentally, and I’m prioritizing my mental health without worrying about the smallest responsibilities.

–Until next time <3,

Perplexxed.

Closure.

“Honestly, the way you’ve made me feel..is that you’re not trying to really hang out with me beyond having sex with me. It’s made me feel shitty and empty inside. The sex has been horrible… with no connection nor excitement. That being said, I don’t want to drag this out any further. I would rather focus my energy on being alone or connecting with someone that values me as a whole person. Furthermore, I feel like every time I pull away you try to validate the fact that you have emotions/feelings for me and then it’s followed up by a bunch of bullshit. So, rather than going through the same pattern again .. I’d like to end things here on a cordial note.

I’m NOT enjoying this!”

**CRINGINGGGG** This is a note from my phone in Oct 2019. My therapist made me type this out to send to someone from my past. I didn’t plan on sharing this, but I saw it scrolling through my notes. Mistakenly, I deleted notes for a blog that I was supposed to post on Valentine’s. Although it applies to what I was writing about initially, it feels so strange reading this now. But, it adds to the *Why* I am the way I am.

Recently, I confided in a friend and shared that I was still heartbroken. This isn’t something that I’ve said out loud because it’s embarrassing. I truly thought I healed myself completely and got over things, but once I realized that was untrue, I acted as if I was okay even though I wasn’t. I didn’t want to admit to still being fucked up over something that I prematurely said that I was over. And it still affecting me bothers the fuckkkkk out of me.

My friend’s favorite thing to say is “Tarrion, you don’t like anyone” and they’re not entirely wrong. It’s not that I don’t like anyone, I just don’t like any of the men that try to talk to me. I’m often called dry, rude and sometimes I can be very closed off and not open to conversation. Sometimes I didn’t give a few people a chance at all. Of all the men that have approached me, there’s only been one that gave me a tingling feeling (lol). There was a spark, and it piqued my interest. I have felt nothing with anyone else and that’s probably why I kept going back to that person. Also, putting myself “out there” isn’t something that I enjoy doing.

Honestly, there aren’t many fish in the sea. Or maybe just my sea. It’s difficult forming attachments with new people. I find it hard to communicate and I have an even harder time finding something to like about them.If we’re being real, dudes aren’t applying any actual pressure. And, in my experience, we’re not looking for the same things and I usually dead it then.

It’s truly because I’m afraid of being hurt again. Because I am. I’m terrified. It wasn’t long ago when things ended and since then I’ve been giving these new niggas HELL. Many of them don’t deserve it, but I haven’t always been in the best space to express how I’ve felt. This has led to me being almost as toxic as my ex. Because when a guy confronts me about a problem or situation, I resort to lying or acting confused instead of saying “xyz”.

You all are familiar with FOMO, right? I have relationship FOMO sometimes. But not in the way you’re probably thinking. If I’m being honest, sometimes I want to be loved by someone romantically. Then, I out snap out of those thoughts/feelings. I don’t know if I’m weird or if it’s a kink, but I rarely like someone until they’re seriously dating, in a relationship with someone else, or are far away. Sadly, I think I like these things because then I know things won’t become serious if they really like that other person. It’s easier to keep them in a “friendlier” zone. I especially prefer long-distance dating.

In reality, it offers me a sense of safety because I keep people at an arm’s distance. It’s a defense mechanism that I’ve identified. I know I’m worthy of more, but I’m not ready for anything too serious. As someone who’s been cheated on, I know that it’s not right to the person they’re dating. Also, getting to know new people isn’t something that I really want to do; dating is extremely tiring! 

This stems from not sharing all the things that I went through during the time I was with that person. I was hurt deeply, and that has affected how I view relationships and how I treat people wanting to get to know me. Still trying to process and accept the hurtful things I experienced while also working on letting those things go. I don’t want to be called “damaged” or anything along the lines. I’m just someone that’s trying to accept, let go, and heal. Finding closure by allowing time to heal all.

WITH LOVE,

—Perplexxed.

Baby Steps.

Hi, I started writing the bottom portion of this post in early January, but I never finished it and I sat on it. I slipped back into a depressive state (without fully accepting it) and then retrograde happened. I felt like I was going through unique twists and turns last month and I only had enough energy to focus on two things: myself and school. For a while, I felt like I couldn’t keep up with everything and after a while; I tapped out and let all the bad things take over and consume the little light that I had.

Something I wanted to change for the January and the New Year was my body. I gained a lotttt of weight while depressed. I ate lots of fast foods and hot chips. Honestly, I’m afraid to go to my doctor because it’s likely that I now have high blood pressure. There have been days where I haven’t wanted to leave my house because of my appearance. I don’t feel comfortable in my clothes and I’ve ripped a few of my fav pairs of jeans over the past month. And those specific pairs aren’t cheap *crying*. It’s hard going to work, school and the gym when I don’t feel confident. But I’m pushing through!

I’ll talk about this later in the original post but I failed two classes last semester and because of that I’ve been on TEN! Now I try to complete all assignments, tests, discussions and exams at the beginning of my week. Don’t judge, but I also get to my 9:30 am classes, 15 mins early just to sit in the front and prepare for my lecture. I study like my life depends on it (it does) and I make sure my work is flawless. I got shit to prove! It was embarrassing, sitting on a zoom call with both my dean and advisor and have a not so fun talk about my future in my program. My grades FUND my academic career!

Thankfully, I’m in a much better space since December but also better since starting the initial post. I’m taking my time with things and even though things aren’t moving as fast as I would like them to, I see progress. I’ve titled this phase “Baby Steps”. It came to me after getting back into the gym. The first day back in the gym, I was in there for 10 mins. Every day after I worked out more and used more machines, extending my time. I think we can all agree that getting back in the gym is rough and uncomfortable. Like it just feels like everyone is staring at or watching you? Right? Right.

____________________

Let me start by saying, I am better today than I was a few weeks ago. I’m currently happy hour-ing at my fav spot and also my old job lol. I got my eyebrows threaded, went to the mall, and talked to my mom before getting here. Let’s just say.. I’m having a beautiful Friday!

I wrote “The Blues. (Depression Awareness)” last year in October. I talked about seasonal depression and my experiences during that time. Fortunately, I am no longer sad or depressed. But October-December was a horrible time.

Those few months were super difficult, and I really didn’t think that anything was going to get better. I never really shared this, but I was borderline suicidal. Things got so dark that I couldn’t do it anymore. I didn’t want to wake up and live another dark day. Thankfully, I didn’t commit suicide, nor did I do anything to harm myself.

Eventually, I formed an alcohol problem. I found any reason to drink. I didn’t notice until I realized I was drunk for two days in a row for no real reason. It was the middle of the week. I went to CVS and Rouses and bought bottles of wine and would drink the bottles of wine. No glasses, no cups, no nothing. Usually, I keep a garbage bag of water bottles to recycle in my room. The bag that I used to discard all of my bottles of wine was just as big and 5x’s heavier. It made little sense to have that many bottles in a garbage bag. I would get drunk, play sims and go to sleep and repeat. This is so embarrassing to share because this doesn’t sound like ME! ……..It was a very wild time.

I was so low and in such a dark space during this time. So many things were going on and I just couldn’t keep up with the punches. It was literally one thing after another. I could wake up and choose violence every single day because rightfully, I could’ve. There were no breaks in between punches and, because of life, I had to get up and keep going.

Sadly, I failed two classes last semester and now I’m on academic probation. If it weren’t for me talking to my advisor and dean about my mental health, I wouldn’t have this second chance and I would’ve been kicked out of my grad program. Truly, I pride myself on my academic success, so for it to be in jeopardy really affects me. I asked myself if I was good enough and I actually thought about changing paths because of this. I was just disappointed and too ashamed to accept the reality of failing TWO classes.

My mom, my stepdad, my family and my friends. Jesus, I would not have made it through any of it if it weren’t for them. Everyone came running to help and just cover me in love. When I had nothing, they got it. I really don’t know when I’ll be able to repay them how I would like but I’ll find something that works. I really want to show my appreciation, something that really signifies and shows my love for them individually. More than anything, I am blessed to have my tribe. I know for certain my friends are with me at my lowest and highest. I thank you all <3.

My mistakes have limited my life and my presence in life. I’ve realized how much I’ve missed due to not being mentally and physically present. I want to take my life back and live how I want to. I’m in a different space and the only way is UP! My 2022 starts today.

–With SO MUCH love,
Perplexxed.

2 Years 🥂.

2 years of Perplexxed. 2 years of me sharing my truth. 2 years of love, transparency, vulnerability and honesty.

Fortunately, I remember the night I created and published Perplexxed. I never planned on starting a blog, at least not like this. I was heartbroken and tired of acting like I was okay, when in fact, I was NOT. So, I pulled out my laptop, went to WordPress.com, created my site, named it and published ‘My Shit Stinks, Too!’.

That night, I felt so cold and hurt after what I had taken place with an ex. I decided to not just shut up but to speak up. I had been in and out of a toxic relationship from 2017 until that night. There were things I shared with friends, but I never told full stories or entire truths because I was too embarrassed. Embarrassed of admitting things I went through while in that relationship.

The picture/thumbnail used for this post was a snapchat that I sent to a friend while I was crying. I wiped my face and acted as if I was okay and gave a toast to the new year. I remember feeling like shit, crying, and drinking two bottles of wine alone. And, I chose that picture because it reminds me of where I came from and where it all started. Unfortunately, I didn’t come out to my mom until that year (2019) and I wish I came out sooner because I needed her. I was longing for her advice, guidance, and wisdom. Had I been open with her before dating, I just know that things would have been different for me and that some things would not have happened. Honestly, my life would be different and less toxic.

Going through the years of acting like everything was peaches and cream really fucked up my mental. I never got the help, closure, or the advice needed because I shared nothing I was going through. In 2019, I started therapy and talked. In each session, I cried. It felt so good to just let my troubles flow out and talk to someone. (Initially, I loved the idea of therapy because I could sue you for sharing any of my business lol.) I’ve always been a super private person because that’s how I was raised. There’s a lot that I didn’t share and wouldn’t have shared if it weren’t for Perplexxed.

In the beginning, I would post my blog, share it on the socials and put my phone DND. I was too embarrassed and afraid of judgement. It took me a while to become comfortable sharing my truths and accept the praise and positive responses. People are always applauding me for being brave, transparent and vulnerable, and I accept it. It can be hard standing in your truth and being real about what you’re going through, so I created Perplexxed. I wanted to take my power back from people and things that have taken it from me. I’ve found my voice, my light and my people through writing my blog.

I’ve shared some of my most intimate moments with you all, heartbreak, rape, death, mental illness and just the general struggle of adulting. Prior to sharing ‘Me, Too.’ I told no one about being raped. Through finding myself, building myself up and the courage to be honest, I shared it with you all. It felt so GOOOOOOD to just write and let it go! Minutes before posting it, I told my mom. She’s an avid reader of Perplexxed and it would’ve been fucked up for her to find out from my blog and not directly from me. While in therapy, I really realized how much that moment fucked up my life and future relationships. And I just kept writing and sharing with you all.

2 years ago I didn’t think that I’d be writing anything. Honestly, I didn’t think I was going to publish anything after my initial post because I was too scared to continue. Through faith and my mom, I kept going and kept writing. And of course, because of you all and your kind words, I kept writing. Just like sex, heartbreak and love sell, too! “Just Might x Self-Destruction” is what brought my blog to success and social media popularity. Me talking about my breakup and heart break garnered a lot of traffic and I’ve held on to it since then, even through periods of not posting.

I turned my pain into purpose and created something so beautiful. I created an online family and community. Perplexxed has become a safe space and an online journal for the world to read. My only goal for this year was to have more views that I did in 2020. I surpassed my 2020 views by THOUSANDS and I cried. In 2020, I had readers in 7 countries and this year I had readers in 16 countries and I cried again.

I really want to give a big THANK YOU to all of my friends, loved ones and readers! Thanks to you, I made it through 2021 and 2 YEARS OF WRITING PERPLEXXED.!!!!!!!!!!

Happy New Year!

WITH LOVE,

— Perplexxed. /Tarrion J.

20 Something’s

What did Yung Miami say? “They say yo 20’s are the best years of your life! So ima have a mf BALL!”

This is definitely not my mood these days and sadly, I won’t be able to get this time back. I have less than 5 years left in my 20s and I WANT TO LIVE!

If you read my last post, then you know that I’m experiencing depression, add crippling anxiety to that mix and yeah lol. These past several weeks have been horrible and detrimental to both my mental and physical health. Throughout this time I’ve gained weight, lived in filth and for a period, I didn’t even shower. If you judge or make fun of me, go to hell. This episode has been the worst since finding out that I suffer from seasonal depression. I feel guilty and like people hate me, I barely leave my room, let alone my house and my environment is filthy. Two weeks ago, Mel’s (my fur baby) kitty litter was so disgusting that there were gnats IN his litter.

Eventually, I believed everyone hated me, or I felt as if I did something to someone. I avoided my roomies because I thought they hated me and something kept telling me they were talking about me (sorry ya’ll). My room became my only safe space and so did Sims4. I racked up over 3500+ hours of playtime in Sims :/. But that was the only thing that made me feel great. I escaped from the real world.

What makes this episode worse is the fact that both my depression and anxiety have teamed up to break me down. My anxiety prevents me from doing MANY things. Whether they’re minor tasks, like dropping off a package to return to the UPS drop-box ACROSS THE STREET from my house, going to the grocery store to get groceries or getting my oil changed. It’s a challenge trying to do big/small things and the smallest things stresses and burns me out.

Just a few days ago, I returned from my trip to Houston and the dark cloud made its way back over my head. While away, I felt lighter, and I actually wanted to engage and interact with others. Those few days afforded me the energy to socialize and complete assignments. I felt well enough to heal and push further more. I am failing and will fail one of my NEEDED classes and will have to retake it. Of course, this just made me feel more like shit. Although my trip was only 6 days, I believe that those 6 days lit a small fire and has made me want to come out of this darkness more than before.

Recently, I quit my job; I didn’t want to, but I had to for the sake of not having a panic attack. I loved my job! It was easy, fun and I got paid weekly. Initially, I planned on putting in my two weeks, but there was too much going on, so I left. I was going to be fine with not getting paid for a week or two after leaving and getting my last check. After that check, I could pay my rent and budget the rest. Unfortunately, my former employer is withholding my check because she’s upset about me quitting. This absolutely fucks me up and annoys the fuck out of me and now there’s a possibility that I won’t be able to pay my portion of rent in the next 6 days. This only makes me even more stressed because give me my fucking money.

As if life isn’t hard of enough, my mental health has made it more difficult. Sometimes I wish I were “normal” and could be as seemingly happy as others. But, what is “normal”?

Existing is already challenging, but navigating my 20s has become tricky. Every day, I feel lost while even working towards my goals. I just feel like I’m not getting anywhere. Yes, I’ve had a bit of success in my career, academics and even blogging, but nothing is good enough. I’ll post a fire pic in a fit and make shit look great, but I was probably crying when I posted it. Don’t be fooled.

Last month, I flew out to New York City to shoot a video for my blog with a good friend. I was extremely happy about it and thankfully, that project was the only thing that brought me joy. While in NYC, I felt like I could conquer the world and do anything that I dreamt. But, that’s all it was, a dream. As soon as I returned home, I fell back into the darkness. I had plans for my next blog and didn’t write a thing! I also lost the concept and what exactly I wanted to write because I didn’t write it down.

Dating has become even harder. I already didn’t like anyone now, I really don’t have any interest in anything. After reading this, I’m sure there won’t be many people interested in me. Sorry, not sorry. When I experience any sadness, I always think about hitting up someone from my past and I hate it. I don’t want to run back to my past or ever feel so low that I feel like that’s what I deserve. It’s hard trying to fight against the voice in your head that’s telling you to do something you truly don’t want to do. I still do it, though :/.

Sadly, I’ll be 26 in 4 months. I have a little over 4 years to get my life together before my 30s. Sure, I see life being amazing before then, but right now it isn’t. There’s so much to do and see and I want to experience a happy/full life. Initially, I wanted to name this “20 Something’s” because I wanted to talk about life…. just not like this. But this is real life, my real life.

I’m sharing all of this because starting today, I’ll make it my purpose to do more each day. To keep pushing and striving to be and do better. Instead of harping on the negatives, I’ll be grateful for the positives and the things I have. I have a child to live for, nieces and nephews and everyone else that wants to see me be great.

Thanks for never judging me (I hope) and for being a part of my safe space.

WITH LOVE,

— Perplexxed.

The Blues. (Depression Awareness)

Mental Health is real, and depression is a bitch. Mental health/illness looks different for everyone from anxiety disorders, mood disorders, substance-abuse disorders, etc.

For most of my life, I’ve struggled with my mental health. I’ve experienced both severe anxiety and depression. There were days when I thought the world would be a better place without me in it. Some days I can’t get out of bed, some days I sit in a dark room and cry and then they’re days when I’ll play sims for 20 hours. Though I have these episodes far less than I used to, I’m never able to prepare myself for the darkness depression brings.

Depression affects me in ways that I can’t explain. Honestly, I feel like my anxiety and depression join forces to kick my ass and break me down mentally and emotionally. I can start my week off in the highest spirit and by Tuesday afternoon I’m questioning my worth, my looks and if people actually like me. It’s crazy how broken I become. I question everything. I trust nothing, so then I escape the “real world” and run to my safe place, my room and stay there until I’m healthier.

I suffer from seasonal depression; Seasonal affective disorder (SAD) is a type of depression that’s related to changes in seasons — SAD begins and ends at about the same times every year. If you’re like most people with SAD, your symptoms start in the fall and continue into the winter months, sapping your energy and making you feel moody. For some, they might just become “moody” but I am EXTREMELY moody. A few friends know that I’m a crier and sometimes I cry for no reason. I just feel the urge to cry. ALL THE TIME!

When I’m shacked up in my room, I evade all of my responsibilities and friends/family. I especially ignore everyone because I feel no one loves me and there have been a few times when I thought my closest friends hated me. Feeling like shit sucks!

I wrote this the other night, but I didn’t finish because it overwhelmed me with gloom. 

“Is it just me?

IS ANYONE IN THIS WEIRD SPACE? Didn’t retrograde end last week or not?

I returned home this past Monday from New York and ever since I’ve been in a slump. But I’m not sure why. Initially, I became upset because I missed so much of my work over the weekend. Irresponsibly, I missed classes and two midterms because of getting my days mixed up. I came back home with the mindset of getting my shit together so I could be able to move to NYC, but fucked-up-ably, I messed up my life. I now have 3 C’s out of my 5 classes. OMG! If I don’t change that I’m kicked out, then what?? I can’t afford an L that big, but I have to do better. I just can’t shake this feeling that has come over me. I don’t want to work out, talk to people and do any of my assignments that are due.

To make matters worse, I’m eating the most unhealthy foods and I feel like I’ve gained 1000 pounds. So not only do I feel like shit, I look like shit, too. What are we going to do, Tarrion?”

I decided not to finish because I didn’t feel like acknowledging my honest feelings. I didn’t want to accept the fact that I’m not okay and that I feel like my life was falling apart. Since returning to New Orleans, I’ve been unhappy and sad. Honestly, I’ve had to MAKE myself, get up and do things that I really don’t feel like doing. After settling, I had to take adderall just to complete my work, and well to begin my work. I have limited my communication during this time and I’ve kept my phone on DND.

I’ve spent a lot of this time staying to myself, cuddling with Mel (my cat) when he feels like it. These past few mornings, I’ve tried to shake this darkness, but I just can’t. Every day, I have to put this face on and act as if I’m okay. I thought I was doing a decent job until my boss asked if I was okay and said I looked as if I wanted to cry. I did. Truly, I wanted to cry at that moment. It honestly made me feel worse because I felt exposed, when I was trying to my damn best to hide how I felt.

Acting okay makes me feel even worse because it requires so much energy. I haven’t been to the gym; I haven’t gone for a run or really done anything since being in this funk. Most of the time, I just want to lie in bed and cry. Unfortunately, I can’t afford to just cry and be sad all day. To put myself in a position to get up and leave my house, I have to start my morning with a prayer to God and the Ancestors, open my blinds and let the sun in, then recite/ repeat my morning mantras.

I just wanted to share a bit of myself with you all. You never know what someone is going through, no matter what they show or post on social media. Be kind to yourself, be patient and love yourself. If you’re able to seek therapy, please do. I see my therapist regularly and I damn sure can’t wait to see him this Friday.

October is “Depression Awareness Month” if you or anyone need access to resources visit, https://www.samhsa.gov/find-help/national-helpline.       

— With love,

Perplexxed <3.

“Acceptance”?

What is this acceptance thing that straight people throw out? What is there to accept with MY sexuality?

I really wish that my sexuality wasn’t something to be discussed. Straight people don’t have to sit down and explain why they’re straight, so why do I need to explain why I’m gay? Why is it a concerning factor in your life? It’s also the sense of agency that straight people think they have over gay people. Who and why do you think you’re important enough to explain anything to; who are you to judge?

Recently, I had an argument with a family member after he asked someone if I wanted to be a girl or wanted to be Trans. This question confusing because WHAT? I am a man. My pronouns are he/him. I dress like a man. I’m just a man that likes men. It’s because I “wear” nails (I get manicures regularly, not fake nails) and I get lash extensions. I guess that’s the starter pack for transitioning?

Not only was I offended, this assumption hurt me because this is someone that I am close with, someone that I confide in and trust. But, there have been sly comments/ homophobic comments and questions like these in the past that I’ve let slide. This time it’s different for me. I’ve been out for years and that’s not changing. Me getting manicures and lash extensions isn’t signaling a transition.

I’m not sure if people are aware of how hurtful, hateful and mean they’re being when they say things. This family member just so happened to my older sibling. What makes it more upsetting is that they’ll be people who will hate or not like me because of my sexuality. I don’t need it from someone so close to me. Although, I don’t experience homophobia regularly, it’s something that I have many times before.

When confronting my sibling, I got hit with the “being gay is a choice” argument. Also, I can’t forget the “I don’t like it” and “I don’t have to accept it” shots. These comments had me perplexed by the passion behind those arguments because I’m still trying to figure out why these things are so important to you. No matter how much you don’t like it, nothing will change, but what will change is how I view you and your access to me and my life.

I was then told by someone else that I need to “teach him and educate him on what my gay is”. Not only is that disgusting, it’s oppressive as fuck! Why am I responsible for teaching and/or educating someone that’s almost 30 when Google exists? That’s NOT my job. What they should have taught him was to love and respect others, and that should’ve been by his parents. Me teaching someone to accept or understand my sexuality is the equivalent of me explaining myself to a white person so that they’ll accept me. It’s a hard NO. I’m not responsible for others, but I am responsible for myself and my peace. I’ve come a long way with loving myself and building confidence, and I’d be damned if I let things like this happen in my life today.

Why do straight people always think we owe them an explanation of why we’re gay? Why are they so eager to dehumanize gay/queer people by demanding that we explain our existence and our “reasons” why we’re gay. They’re people who I’ve met one year ago or 3 weeks ago that treat me with respect. In reality, no straight person secure with themselves cares about another man’s sexuality. So why are you so invested in mine?

Earlier this year, I released “Pride of Myself” in June and I talked about how far I’ve come with my sexuality and confidence. I shared my struggles, how I felt in the past, and how that affected my personal relationships with people. These days I’m super serious about protecting my peace. I’ve lived in a shell far too long for me to allow anyone to put me down. I’m not out here selling drugs, shooting people or having kids (out of wedlock), but I’m being hated on because I like a little dick, chile.

Until next time & with love <3,

–Perplexxed.

Good Days.

I think I’ve sung SZA’s “Normal Girl,” “This time next year, I’ll be living so good..” into existence.

My life has done a complete 180 within the past year. I’m happy, healthy, paid, vaccinated and blessed. Last year was a struggle. My mental health and health were awful. Acclimating to pandemic life wasn’t very easy for me. Sure, getting those unemployment checks weekly was great, but other than that, I was going through the motions.

Recently, I quit my day job that was like my current career path and few months ago I dropped out of one graduate program to pursue a completely different one. I told my friends about quitting my day job, but I struggled with sharing switching career paths with friends and family. I felt like I would look like a failure in their eyes, but inside I knew I made the best decision for myself and my mental health. Still, I was too ashamed to tell everyone, but maybe 10 people. I questioned myself daily, debating on if I made the right decision or the easier decision.

What this pandemic has given me was TIME. When the world stopped, I felt like I could pause and breathe. Before then, my days were the same.. school, work, school, work and so on. I never gave myself the time that I needed to “relax, relate and release” my favorite quote from my favorite tv show, “A Different World”. During the pandemic, I didn’t see or talk to my therapist as frequently. I felt depressed for a good part of quarantine, like many others. After a while, I dug myself out of the dark slump that I was in. Thankfully, I started my blog right before the world shutting down; finally I could sit, write and share my feelings, thoughts and life with the world. I healed myself from heartbreak through writing and sharing on my blog. I ran every single day of the second half of quarantine, skateboarded and picked up new hobbies while at home.

While bettering my mental, I was also growing my savings and had the income to buy just about anything I wanted (spending responsibly). I felt like I was moving into a better space in every capacity during these times. I got to learn new things about myself and learn how to cook lol. Gratefully, I also built a safe space, my blog, where I’ve made amazing friends and met so many beautiful people.

On to the better part.

A year into my new graduate program, I’m at the top of my class. I have received hefty scholarships and a few nominations. Through my work, I’ve met the best mentors and peers and access to life-changing opportunities. I could not be happier to study something that is a passion of mine and something that will always be something I find interest in, through a change in society, evolution and human development/behavior. Though I do plan on resuming my former program, I am so blessed to be where I am now. Fear was the reason for not pursuing this program initially. But you know… fuck fear!

Before quitting my day job, I picked up a part-time job as a server at a Black- WOMEN -owned restaurant. What was initially passive income and something small has become something greater. After being there for a bit, I fell in love with the environment, co-workers, customers and the BEST managers. Things at my job started going downhill for me and I quit. I was nervous at first, of course, because I was leaving a guaranteed check for a job in the service industry. (Business can be great one week and the opposite the next week). Not only was I nervous, I felt less than. This is just me, but I’m 25 and it’s not like I WANT to be a server but I just want to focus on school and this is a low stress job with flexibility. I had a bit of a fight, internally, trying to be okay with my decision to leave my job and become a server.

Anywho, two weeks in and I fell in love with this job. My second week working, I made what I would make in two weeks in less than a week in tips. I felt like a drug dealer with all the cash I had. Truly, I love everything about my job. I have/had a few insecurities and sometimes I lack in confidence. My customers built me up. I’m not being shallow or boastful, but I have never received so many compliments in my life. Everyone telling me I was beautiful, etc, really did things to and for me lol. It was strange at first, but over time I believed them and it really built my confidence. Honestly, this job has built me up. Even in the beginning, everything felt so right.

After being there for about a month, they gave me a promotion and a raise. Two weeks after that, I received another. I went from server, to lead server/shift leader, to becoming a manager. I have never felt so appreciated in my life. No job has ever shown me this much love or value. I think the best part is I get to be myself and I have been myself and people like me for me. I’m usually nervous going into new spaces and/or jobs because I never know how I’ll be received as a gay man. You never know how others may treat you (I’m no bitch) but it can be very uncomfortable and upsetting because it’s unnecessary. I’ve had a few problems before with people being put off simply because I was gay. But not with them or anyone at my job.

I appreciate my managers and the effect they’ve had on me and my life during the short time I’ve been there. This job has also played a part in the betterment of my well-being, confidence and pockets. For the last few months, I’ve felt like I’ve been ascending. My life has shifted. I thank the ancestors and God for guiding, loving, pushing me. These days I feel like I’m becoming who I need to be and also who want to be. Finally, I feel like I’ve found my voice, my footing and my light.

I wanted to update you all. Forever grateful for each and everyone of you and your support means the world.

Until next time & with love <3,

–Perplexxed.

Pride of Myself

If you see me today, you’ll see me with lash extensions, a designer bag, painted nails, and short shorts. Shit, I might even have on tinted face oil, concealer and foundation on if I feel like it. A couple years ago I wouldn’t be wearing what I wear now.

Growing up, I wasn’t always sure if I was gay or not but everyone and their damn granny knew ( :/ ). I honestly didn’t even know what homosexuality was, but I knew it was “wrong” so I tried my best to make sure that I wasn’t because I didn’t want to go to hell. Who the hell wants to burn in hell for eternity? Not I.

I’m the fourth out of five children and one out of four boys. So imagine that. As far as I could remember, my older brother always called me/ said I was gay. Before I even learned how to spell and write my name legibly, I was gay. In the beginning, I was so confused by it. I felt like before I even got to figure out who I was I was already being labeled with this HUGE word. I remember sitting in the back of the car, whining and moving my hips to Beyoncé on the radio, hoping no one could feel or see that I was moving. Did I think that was gay then? No. I was a dancer then, and heavily involved in the arts.

As I continued to grow and rise from elementary to middle and then high school, I felt confused. I wasn’t sure if I was gay or if I was scared to be gay. It was sickening. I felt like I was in this shell or all alone in my world. I was too afraid to talk about it or tell anyone, just to save myself from judgment and/or losing my friends. Who wants to be the gay kid at school? Popular or not, people are ignorant and kids are mean. I was also afraid of being outed to everyone without even being sure of myself. It was tough and incredibly dark.

I didn’t do any exploring in middle school, let alone high school. High school started off pretty terrible because my brother, who had just graduated high school the year I started, told his friends that I was gay. His friends told their friends and their friends told their friends and on my first day of school I was “Tori’s gay little brother” and not just Tarrion. Imagine that. Once, I think I probably tried to talk to a guy my junior or senior year. I couldn’t go through with it because it was verrrry weird. I’m not sure if I liked it or disliked it. Nothing happened we just texted and talked on the phone and shortly after people at school knew. While, I was already being called gay for just simply being me now people are going to know. I wasn’t happy about any of this. I just thought that it was insanely unfair for me to not have the chance to figure me out, privately.

I graduate high school and now I feel like I now have the room to explore without everyone in my business. And that’s exactly what I do. Finally, I now have the space and opportunity to figure things out. I download the apps (I’m not listing them because ya’ll know them) and I met new people. I’m going to give myself the chance to meet people and see if this is what I like. Now, I’m meeting guys and mind you, I ran into a lot of familiar faces. Boys from high school, my brother’s friends and people that made fun of me. I learn about the different gays, the masc, fems, tops and bottoms. I was so lost in these labels and titles and couldn’t understand any of it.

I test the waters and begin dating around, privately. I was nervous about a lot of things and during this time I was a virgin. Sex was not something that I was interested in and it had nothing to do with the people. I just didn’t want to have sex with anyone. There were some scary moments where I’ve had to fight people off of me and/or run away. There were things I wanted to share with my mom, but it scared me to come out to her.

I move to New Orleans and transferred schools to finish undergrad. I’m finally free. Now, I’m in a place where no one knows me or anyone that I know. This is my chance to introduce myself as the Tarrion that I want to be. I wasn’t nervous or too scared to be gay because I didn’t know anyone and if they didn’t like it, oh well. And it didn’t matter because this is who I am. I instantly make great friends I find my tribe at my school and at my best friend’s school. I explored and openly dated around and I met so many people. Some good, many not worth mentioning. I now felt like I could be ME!

Ironically, shortly after moving, I dated someone. This was the first person I actually gave a chance and eventually who I had sex with. This is the start of a very toxic relationship, but it’s a part of my journey and story. I began learning about the dynamics of gay relationships, roles and positions. In the beginning, it was a whirlwind. I was 21, but I felt so childish and uneducated because of my lack of experience. Later, after that relationship tore me apart, I finally came out to my mom. I felt like I had no one to talk to or no one that could tell me what I needed to hear, but I knew my mom did. I needed my mom. There were many days where I cried and was so sad because I felt like I couldn’t tell her because she wouldn’t be accepting. Eventually, I was left with no choice and during a visit back home to Houston; I told my mom that I was gay the night before returning to New Orleans.

It was extremely hard for me but so relieving to tell my mom. I hated when I couldn’t confide in her or receive her advice. The moment that I told her was intense. I remember it like it was yesterday, but I also felt this weight lift off of me. I felt free. Anyone that knows me knows my mom is my best friend and I couldn’t even be honest with my best friend out of fear. No more. Eventually, I came out to my mom, and I told her everything that I was going through. I didn’t know what I expected, or that I had expectations for our conversation. I was just glad that I finally told her. Sure, many others knew, but my mom is who I wanted to talk to and share things with. I was just afraid of facing rejection.

I tell everyone all the time that I didn’t start living until I was 21. This is when I chose myself and my happiness over what others thought. Back then I wasn’t wearing bags or doing anything that I am now, but that was when I explored my sexuality. For so long I was so afraid of being gay out loud. I didn’t want to face judgment or scrutiny. I didn’t have fun like I wanted to; I didn’t dress how I wanted to and I never really tried anything that I really wanted to try. Truthfully, I was just so scared of what people had to say. During that time I was so jealous of those who had the courage to be themselves unapologetically. Honestly, I was also a big hater because I wanted to be just like them.

At 25, I’m PROUD to say that I am extremely happy and comfortable with myself and I no longer care what anyone says or what face someone makes when they see me and my friends out. And maybe people are right and I know that I’m that bitch because, yes, I am. It took way too long to become who I am, so sure, they’re right. I love that everyone else knows it too. Sure, I’m confident, but I can always be more confident and more secure with myself. It’s difficult, people are cruel and just evil. I see so many trans women and young gay boys killed by their family and by random men in the streets.

I am super blessed to have amazing friends. These people gave me the strength, courage and the space to freely be myself. Their love and support is everything I need to love myself. I am happy, grateful and healthy. I wanted to share a bit of my story with you all in honor of Pride month. Obviously, I know that there are many people who are still struggling and I understand. Find your people, find your tribe and create the family that you wish you had, if need be. It’s so beautiful on the other side. Take your time but please, always choose yourself.

With Love & Pride,

–Perplexxed.

Ugh, Those Feels Again.

I didn’t plan on posting this, but after talking to my friends; I feel I need to. We often discuss heartbreak, but in my experience, we rarely share how to heal or how we’ve healed. Me personally, I know that I’ve been too proud to express how I feel; I was embarrassed and in disbelief. In all honesty, I thought I was above all the things that I went through and thought those things would NEVER happen to me.

It’s amazing how my friends and I can talk about guys, our relationships and heartbreak, but never really talk about how we get through things. I think we take it day-by-day and probably sweep it under the rug because of other pressing issues. My outlets are running, journaling, playing sims, venting to my mom/ friends, and sometimes cooking and cleaning. None of those are effective. Ultimately, those activities help me bypass time and take my mind off of my feelings but haven’t helped me get over it.

I’m going to start over and start by being honest about how I truly feel and not let pride stop me from seeking the peace that I deserve. After talking about it so much, I realized how many people have been through the same things. I think it’s crazy how similar people’s stories are. So, I’m sharing this with you all.

Just took a break from studying to write this because I had this heavy feeling. I’m heartbroken, I’ve shared this with my friends, mom and with you all (to an extent). I’m hurt and I’m hurting. My heart hurts, my head hurts, and my eyes hurt from being so dry because I’ve run out of tears to cry. It sucks and no matter what I DO, I can’t shake this feeling. How do I heal?

I’ve journaled, gone to therapy, I run and I play sims just about every day to escape my world. Nothing works. I forgave him, and I forgave myself for what I allowed. And I still feel the same. I cry all the time, I’m sad all the time and I’m in a depressive state all the time. I want to be okay; I want to be happy, but how?

I hate the tweet “Everything reminds me of him.” Because this is my life. Except mine is heartbreak. This ugly dark place that I’m taken when reminded of someone who is dead to me. I had a tarot card reading last week (someone I go to) and she said that I was healing from heartbreak. Something we talked about the last time I saw her. It’s disgusting feeling the way I feel inside and for her to know I feel. I rarely discuss my genuine feelings with people. I’m tired of talking about the same thing!!! It’s been years. Why am I not over it? Why am I not okay?? I deleted the last pictures of him a week ago and I also deleted videos I didn’t know I had :/. But, yeah, sometimes I cry or I’m just really sad when reminiscent. I just wish I could erase those times out of my mind and heart. I don’t want to be damaged or carrying baggage. That isn’t Tarrion.

This was someone that I thought cared about me, wholeheartedly.. Truly, I “thought”. I stayed, and I continued dating him after taking many breaks throughout the duration of our relationship. Fighting myself and my better judgement, knowing that it would not work. EVERY TIME it failed. Whether we were good for two days, two weeks, or two months — in the end the breakup was inevitable. But we’d really miss each other when we’d be apart for too long.

I would really battle with myself, debating on whether I would go back. And I had always hoped that he changed, I hope that he really realized what he had in front of him. I would’ve thought that he had learned after a while that I wouldn’t go anywhere. I would not leave him like everyone else has, and that I would not hurt him. I wanted to be there for him.. I wanted to love him.

I got a text from that person two weeks ago and I wanted to throw my phone. I was so upset and just started crying because why are you playing with me? What hurts the most, and the messed up part is this person gets to go on with their life and here I am stressed, depressed and crying. Why not just leave me alone? You didn’t want me when you had me! You broke me down, made my accomplishments feel like shit and just made me feel like I was this ugly person. It’s f*cked up and I want to be over it, but how?

25.

Have you ever seen a finish line move? A touchdown, a goal, etc.? No, right?

I got up this morning for a run. This is my first time running in two months. No conditioning, no practice, no workouts at all, and I expected to run my miles in regular/conditioned times. No, that’s not realistic, and while I was running, I became tired and wanted to give up and walk it out. I felt defeated, and upset at the fact that I couldn’t run like I used to and I just wanted to give up. Instead, I slowed down and jogged the rest of my miles and not walk. At that moment, choosing to do that put life/ things into perspective. I know where my mile markers are, and I know no matter if I walk, run or jog, I’m going to make it to the finish line, my finish line. It doesn’t matter when or how I make it, but that I’ve made it.

I celebrated my birthday two weeks ago and before that time; I was not excited about turning 25. Why? The 25 that I imagined is not my 25 in actual life and honestly, I felt like a failure. I felt like nothing. This resentment and disappointment sat deep in my core and my soul. I’m grateful to be alive and to be celebrating my birthday, I just wasn’t happy. I just felt like I wasn’t the person who I dreamt of being and that I sort of let my 10 y/o self down. After a few days and a few talks, I found comfort in myself and in my life.

Like many people, we create these timelines for our lives. Married by 25, first kid by 26, house at 27, at the top of my career by 31, etc.. Whether society, our families, social media and so on constructed and/or shaped them. These timelines can add unnecessary pressures to what may already be a stressful/ hectic life. Unfortunately, I’m a victim of these toxic ideals and timelines.

Ultimately, it’s the creator of my depression, anxiety and worst moments. Trying to control things that are beyond me has led me to having a heart attack and crippling anxiety. It’s taken a lot of learning and unlearning to get to a place of comfort and acceptance. Never feeling like you’re good enough and/or doing enough is nothing, but the devil and the devil/life has been kicking my ass for the past 5 years. During that time, it has stolen my joy from me. I’ve been so focused on what I don’t have and not appreciating all the things that I have. All the things that I have accomplished and all the hard work that I’ve put into myself, my life and my studies. I’m a total badass and yet, I still don’t feel like I’ve done enough, if anything at all.

I can’t say that I compare myself to others because mostly, I don’t. But it can discourage you, seeing your counterparts do things or have things you want for yourself. And mostly, those things are material items. I have a lot; I am educated and I’m working on my graduate degrees, yet I still don’t feel like I’ve done enough. As some say “It’s a marathon, not a sprint” and that is how I view my life and the things that I do. I’m not perfect nor is my life perfect, but I am healthy, happy, wise and beautiful. I know for a fact that all the pieces will come together and MY finish line will lead to everything and more.

Best wishes on your journeys and your lives.
Peace– perplexxed.

Sex & The Big Easy (New Orleans)

Here I am sitting in Hoshun on St Charles Ave, thinking, what is love? I didn’t plan on posting anything this month, but in the spirit of Valentine’s, why not?

Growing up, often-times they asked what I thought what love was or if I know what love is.. and? Till this day, I still don’t know. I know how I love; I know what my love languages are, and I know how I want to be loved.

I don’t have great romantic examples, but there are different loves, like I love my friends and family. These people make my heart full, and I’m sure they know I love them. I believe in not only saying “I love you” but showing my love, I believe in being PRESENT. I show my love by always showing up, I’m very affectionate and my love is patient (and I’m not a very patient person normally).

I used to have this false idea of love. Thanks to the many coming of age movies and teen rom-coms. I kind of thought that love came with break ups and ups/downs. Sadly, I also thought that arguing meant you loved someone because if you didn’t and just walked away then it wasn’t love (please don’t judge me). These childish and untrue ideas didn’t help when I finally started dating and met people. I wouldn’t say that I was toxic, but I could’ve been. Thankfully, I’ve grown, I’ve matured, and I learned my love languages. Even watching my mom & stepdad, has helped and I’m at a point in life where relationships become very real and if they’re right, they eventually lead to marriage. Mind you, I never plan on getting married but you never know, right?

What is love? To me love is acceptance and a continuous choice, ya know? Like I care about you so much and I want you in my life forever, choosing to love you every day and make sure I’m doing my part/ what I have to do to keep this love forever. To me, love is patient, kind, fun and true. I think choosing to love someone is a big choice. I’m giving you my heart, my soul, and my time. Choosing to go through life with you. I want someone to be my better half, finish my sentences and know my likes/dislikes. Sounds cheesy, but I’m cheesy :/.

I’m spending this Valentine’s with 4 of my best & closest friends so I really wanted to include them in this post. These are people that I genuinely love and cherish. I want their ideas on love, what it means to them and how it feels. I think this’ll be fun, and because we’re all single, why not?

We’re navigating through love and life together, two of us are still healing from our past relationships, two others are healing and finding peace after break-ups and the last one is dating and living her life. We don’t bond over trauma, but we definitely lean on one another in times of need. No matter what we’re a FaceTime call away, whether it be 4pm or 4am, we’re always there.

Kourtnie:

What is love? Love to Kourt is genuine compassion and a genuine connection between two people. Love is accepting someone for who they are flaws & all. Love is also wanting help to someone be the best version of themselves.

What is your ideal love? Having an honest relationship. The person has to be loyal and compassionate to others, understanding, patient, with their priorities in line.

What are your love languages?

Words of affirmation, physical touch, quality time.

What contributed to your ideals of love?

Her parents and grandparents. Seeing healthy relationships growing up inspired to want the same. What they have, she could have one day.

If you had one word to describe your perfect relationship, what would it be?

Authentic

What’s the perfect date?

She values quality time, ordering her fav food, a good wine, a movie and enjoying each other, just being together having deep conversations.

Nay:

What is love?

Love is a feeling you share with someone that you wouldn’t want to live without.

What is your ideal love?

A love that makes me happy and doesn’t hurt her.

What are your love languages?

Gifts, quality time, talking on the phone with her all the time, words of affirmation, food, cuddling.

What contributed to your ideals of love?

Seeing/ experiencing what she doesn’t want. “Once you find out what you don’t love, you find out what you need to be loved and what I don’t need is these n*ggas.”

If you had one word to describe your perfect relationship, what would it be?

Funny

What’s the perfect date?

Her perfect date is a man telling her to take off and meet him at his house and he has a projector on the wall with her fav movie & meal cooked. They bake cookies and he rubs her feet, and fucks her good.

Jayde:

What is love?

Love is having two pieces of chicken left and giving someone your last piece.

What is your ideal love?

A man that is going to worship the ground she walks on, does everything to make her happy and is considerate of her feelings and is generous.

What are your love languages?

Acts of service, Gifts, words of affirmation and quality time.

What contributed to your ideals of love?

Being fucked over. She knows what she doesn’t want but doesn’t know what love is.

If you had one word to describe your perfect relationship, what would it be?

Laughter

What’s the perfect date?

Just getting drunk and seeing where it takes them.

Eryn:

What is love?

Love is a state of being that just happens when you least expect it.Someone you’d do anything for without questions asked (well, she has a few questions)

What is your ideal love?

A love that is 50/50, I give/you give, an equal love. A love that pays attention to her in details. Someone that that loves her the way she wants to be loved and treats her the way she wants to be treated.

What are your love languages?

Acts of service, quality time, receiving gifts.

What contributed to your ideals of love?

Movies, because she didn’t really see a lot of love around her, movies showed her what she wanted out of/from love.

If you had one word to describe your perfect relationship, what would it be?

Everlasting

What’s the perfect date?

Getting dressed up, going to dinner, and then whatever else is planned, coming home then relaxing, drinking wine and hanging out.

Mom:

What is love?

Love is finding that imperfect person who’s perfect for you.

What is your ideal love?

Its actions, compromising, wanting to learn how to listen, listen to concerns, communicating, address problems effectively, anger management, doing what you need to do to let them know that you understand them/ their love language.

What is your love language?

Quality time.

What contributed to your ideals of love?

Experiencing what you don’t want to know what you do want.

If you had one word to describe your perfect relationship, what would it be?

Everlove.

What’s the perfect date?

Just being with my step-dad.

Any tokens or advice that you’d love to give?

“Life is about choices.”

A relationship is an ongoing sense of growth in the same direction.

I also wanted to include my mom because she’s my best friend and greatest confidant. I love the relationship that she and my step-dad have. From this love, my mom has changed her ways for herself and the betterment of her marriage. And because her take on love differs from that of my friends and I.

Happy Valentine’s from my gworls and I. Wishing you all nothing but love <3.

–Perplexxed.

No Tears Left to Cry.

I had a conversation the other day with a friend while skateboarding and I really didn’t expect it. We had our normal spill of updating each other about our personal lives. He was telling me about his new friend that’s a girl and all the great things about her. (If he and she reads this, hi!) Eventually his spill ended, then it was my turn. I talked about school and work, avoiding my dating life because there isn’t one.

After talking about everything but dating, he says, “Are you dating? Talking to a new guy?”. I hate those questions because 1. I don’t have answers, 2. I think there are more important things to talk about. I tell him no, I haven’t been dating or talking to anyone as of late, but I have been going through some things.

I’ve started a new job as “Behavior Analyst” in December and last week I picked up a new client and I’ve been working with them in their home. So, before meeting with my client and his family, I saw their address, and it is literally a street behind someone from my past. I was shook, and I wasn’t happy about being so close in proximity to this person. Come to find out, my client’s live directly behind his home (cringing).

The first morning, it was a Monday; I had to drive passed his house in order to get to my client’s home and I felt so uncomfortable and sick to my stomach. Like ew, this isn’t the way I wanted to start my morning. I had to use my client’s toilet that morning because I had to do the #2! I was so embarrassed and every day after that I started my day off in my feels because of it/him.

It’s something that I’ve been dealing with for a while. The past haunts me, things that I did and things I allowed to have and keep this person around. I’m embarrassed with myself, truly. These things literally eat me up on the inside, and I don’t know how to make this stop. If I were to talk about the situations that happened and how I stayed in such a horrible relationship, you wouldn’t believe that I was talking about myself. After my friend asked, “Have you gotten over it?”, I thought about it, and I haven’t. Through us talking about it, I used the analogy of me making to the top of a hill but never making my way down to the bottom of the hill. I never got over it fully, just enough to get me through my days and out of a depression.

Days pass and I bring this up with my mom. As you all should know by now, my mom is literally my bestest friend in the entire galaxy. I vent to her my true raw feelings and tell her about the conversation, and how I’ve been feeling/ how I feel now. How in reality I’m always sad, I’m hurt and how this is the true reason for me not wanting to date.

After talking about it, I told her I’m so tired of talking about the same thing, going through the same thing and I how I feel like I’m giving this person too much power over my life. Honestly, I don’t understand how this person and this situation could be as big as it is in my life. I’m just tired of crying about it and stressing over something that I feel I can’t get over. You would think that after everything that happened that it would be easy for me to wash my hands and do away with him.

At the end of it all, my mom told me I needed to forgive myself. I needed to forgive myself for allowing these things to happen to me and forgive myself for not being there for myself like I should’ve been. That’s been by my biggest disappointment, not choosing and loving myself in the moments that I should’ve. Do you understand how sad that is? You not choosing yourself??? You not loving yourself??????? Just to keep someone around? Was it CRACK?!

Anywho, that’s what I needed to hear, and it is exactly what I need to do. After all this time of not choosing me, here I am today still not choosing myself; instead continuing to choose sadness and depression over my love and happiness. I’ve been so aggravated with the fact that I’ve made this person and this situation so big in my life, and that’s because I’ve continued to choose and do so. It sucks, and it hurts. I let myself down and I think that’s what I’ve been trying to avoid acknowledging the fact that I let myself down and the fact that I have not chosen myself. I need to heal. I deserve love, peace, happiness, and joy.

So here I am today, tonight on this beautiful Tuesday, deciding to choose me. And I want to share this with you all. Tonight is the last night that I will ever feel how I have been for the last 3 years.

I apologize for leaving you for someone else. Me choosing to love someone else and opening up to them should’ve never led me to abandoning you. Those few moments of happiness and what I thought was love wasn’t enough to leave you. I apologize for all the days that you’ve missed because of depression. All the opportunities, all the moments you could’ve spent with your friends and family. You’ll never get that time back because of me. More than anything, you’re all I’ve ever had and I apologize for not choosing you and putting you first.

Healing is extremely hard, and it can be an endless process. I pray that I never make these same mistakes in the future. But I’m happy and excited to start over. I deserve a fresh start and I deserve to love, whether it be myself and/or someone else.

Almost gave up on Perplexxed and you all, but I’ve realized how much I need this and how much I need ya’ll. Thank ya’ll for everything! It might be January 26th, but today is the start of my new year, new self and new life. Special shout out to my Mom and all of my beautiful friends that have gotten me through my days <3.

With Love,

-Perplexxed.

Over & Out.

Idk this year has been an eye opener. This is the year I chose myself. The year I put myself first and do what’s best for me without a second thought. I trusted myself, and I chose Tarrion. 

I published my first blog a year ago today, and this has been the best thing that I’ve ever done for myself. My first real post, “Just Might x Self-Destruction.” was rough! I wrote it, copied it to my WordPress, published it and threw my phone across the room because I thought it was too much. I knew that when I created this space, I was putting my personal life and feelings out into the world and it was a LOT! But this was something that I felt like I had to do for myself. After several more posts, I shared one of my darkest moments in “Me, Too.” This was my first time sharing and/ or talking about that situation. Before posting it, I had to have a conversation with my mom because she reads my blog and that was difficult so I knew when I published it it was going to be just as difficult. Here I am sharing my rape/ sexual assault story with the world just minutes after telling my mom I was raped, and she had no clue that this ever happened to me.

Creating this space has catapulted me into a space of self-love and self-acceptance. I hate that I say this because it’s not necessarily a good thing, but seeing other people understand and relate to my stories has been so comforting. It helped me see that I wasn’t the only going through things or feeling the ways I did. It has made me feel okay. Perplexxed has also connected me with sooo many beautiful people with so many beautiful stories. Through this blog and you all, I’ve been able to grow/ heal  and for that I am eternally grateful.

I spent so much time reminiscing on my past while also wishing that I could go back in time and make different choices. All while knowing that it is impossible to go back in time. As much as I wish things were different, I have to accept the facts and continue to move on and make better decisions. Every day, I make it a task to be the best person I can be and also make healthier/ better decisions. 10 years from now, I don’t want to be sitting around thinking about today or any day this year filled with regret. That’s miserable, and that isn’t a life that I want to continue living.

I’ve wasted so much time worrying about the next day or the next whatever and ultimately doing this took away my joy. Sometimes I become so disappointed and upset with myself because I’m not always proud of who I am or again, proud of choices I’ve made. And honestly, sometimes these things eat me up inside. But now I couldn’t be any happier, more confident or more proud of myself. 

I feel like I say this every year, but I truly feel like I found myself this year. I’ve accepted mistakes, I’ve learned, I’ve loved and I’ve lost a lot this year. Something that I lost that I won’t miss is who I thought I was / who I was trying to be. I was too busy trying to be someone that I’m not. For who? Not sure honestly, but yeah lol. Not sure if I was trying to shape and mold myself into something that fit in with the masses or what? Even things like my sexuality and how to be and not to be when out in public. Chile, fuck that! 

I was so worried about receiving ugly looks or being called names by others just because of my sexuality. Like how was I going out and barely having fun because I was too concerned about what people had to say about me?? EW! It’s wack and thankfully I don’t care about things outside of myself anymore. Luckily, I’m blessed with amazing friends and family. Because of them and through them I’ve been able to be more comfortable in all settings and when I’m with all my friends, it’s UP! 

The goal for 2021 is to just be. Be happy, excited, in love, adventurous, sad or whatever I want to be. That’s what I want to be, it’s who I want to be. I just want to live and feel like I am alive. I truly feel like I take life for granted, and I don’t appreciate it like I should. My days are the same, it’s school, work, run , play sims and repeat. Rarely do I stop and just feel or just stop to smell the roses.

This year, although it’s been quite rough, has given me all the time I need to just figure out who Tarrion is. This blog, my blog has been everything I needed and more!! I don’t regret sharing intimate parts of my life, nor do I experience any second hand embarrassment. This beautiful thing has brought me nothing but happiness, confidence, love and peace. Truly, it’s what I am most proud of. Sort of have this feeling that’s telling me that this blog was only for this year or this chapter in my life. Through love, therapy , a lot of music and hundreds of hours spent playing sims, I am no longer in the place that I was when I started this.  I won’t completely throw it away, but I feel like something else is coming and I want to dedicate my time and love to that project.

Super appreciative for all the love and these beautiful relationships that contrived from this blog. Thankful for my friends and my family. I wish you all nothing but happiness, love, peace and big bags in 2021.

With Love & A Happy New Year,

–Perplexxed.

Also, I adopted a beautiful baby boy! Meet Mel, named after my grandfather Melvin.

Moscato & White Grapes.

“Sometimes I get sad. I think it depends on my day or what I’m doing. Certain things, places, people, or smells can remind me of my last situation. Things will take me back to past moments and bring back sad or hurt feelings, and I’ll just start reminiscing/ getting teary-eyed from the hurt/betrayal. It used to happen more often back when it was fresh, but now it’s every so often and each time I heal just a bit more. Sometimes it’s sadness but I think more than anything I’m more embarrassed remembering what I put up with & what I accepted. It takes me back to moments when I didn’t choose me, but I chose him. Idk. It’s all very strange and weird. I’m still healing from things that I never knew hurt me, and I’m continuously working on me and striving to be a better me. Making healthier decisions and having healthier relationships.”

How does someone you gave you all to hurt you? Just throw you away and treat you like shit? Like me? Me of all people lololol jeez.

I shared this on my Finsta a few days ago, and it has really been on my mind lately. Sometimes I find myself super pissed or just super sad and I just want to hide in my room. I hate going back to moments I’m not proud of. Like I was driving back home tonight blasting Meg Thee Stallion, and I just thought about this mf.

Sort of wish there was some guide that helped you move/ maneuver through relationships or something other than a gut feeling that’ll tell you loudly that this person is not good for you. It’ll definitely save us time and heartbreak. It’s just crazy how one person and/or people can FUCK YOU UPPP! Mentally, physically, and emotionally. I’ve been messed up emotionally since my last situation. Can’t tell you how much I was disgusted with myself and how much I hated myself ( :/ ).

I didn’t and I still don’t know what “healing” looks like, but I have an idea. For me it’s writing, running/working out, hanging and playing sims. Idk.. those are the moments when I either choose me or they’re my moments of peace. When I’m writing, I’m real and honest with myself, and I try to dig deep and look into myself. Sometimes I don’t always know what I’m looking for, but ultimately I’m trying to fix the broken pieces. Working on myself until completion (I have a long way to go).

I go through the motions and moments when I don’t feel complete and less than, than usual and I hate that feeling. I hate going into a place that’s not good for me, a place so dark & lonely. I feel like it’s something I talk about often, and I don’t always feel embarrassed. I confide in my mom and my friends, and I feel totally fine doing so. I just wish I didn’t have to. I just wish that I was okay, ya know?

For a while I disliked myself, my body, my face and just everything and it was because of what I went through. I don’t think I’ve ever shared the worst details with anyone and just decided to take my shame and mistakes to the grave. I feel so embarrassed and I feel like I’m not the person people see when they look at me. I’m a wreck and a mess. And tbh, I don’t care what others think about me, it’s just sitting there thinking about the things I allowed.. that’s what I’m stuck on and some things are things people could never see me putting up with. It’s that part because I’m better than that, I’m smarter than that, and I know that I’m worth more than what I’ve dealt with. That’s embarrassing.

Even dating is weird. I am so turned off by people and I’m rarely ever interested in anyone and I’m not always sure if it’s me or if it’s the hurt wanting me to push people away. I definitely don’t trust people like I used, and that’s not fair to others, but it is what it is. Everything is just so different now. Some days I want to talk and/ or give people a chance, but it just takes one small thing to turn me off from them.

I’ve talked about this before but I’m a work in progress so I might write about this 10000000 more times lol. I titled this “Moscato & Grapes” because that’s what I’m drinking and eating currently. And I just wanted to share this little thing. Thank y’all, love y’all! Thankful for the endless support. I don’t celebrate Thanksgiving but y’all be easy and enjoy time spent with your loved ones <3.

–Perplexxed.

from my notes, to you <3.

Life is funny, God is funny and so are the ancestors. A few days ago, Sims4 released an update that consequently caused my game to crash and is now unplayable until the next update (it fixes the last one). If you know me, then you know that Sims is my happy place.. I run to sims4 when I need to escape my troubles or just my daily life. Unhealthy, but it works temporarily. Due to my game being unplayable I had time to sit in silence and think. I sat still. So still and so silent that my demons came out to play. I didn’t have a choice but to confront my problems. I couldn’t not , not think about my worries. I didn’t run, and I didn’t find anything else to occupy my time. I sat there and dealt with my problems. I took that time to write out my plans, my thoughts/feelings and my goals. I took control of that moment and got very real and honest with my self. It was hard, painful and I cried. If you were to see me in my room writing , you’d think I was being held at gunpoint. And I’m not trying to be dramatic or over exaggerate this moment. It was pretty tough bc I felt like I didn’t have a choice and it was something that I needed to do. Sooner than later.

Anywho, After planning and writing .. I wrote out my week on my dry erase board last night. I wrote out any and all appointments, work and tests due and anything else of importance. So, now everything is placed right in front of my face and I no longer have to check my phone (or procrastinate doing so). I woke up this morning in a different place and instead of skipping homework or reading to play sims, I took the time to read my textbook for class tomorrow instead of waiting an hour before class to read. I read, took notes and after I decided to go for a run on the lake this morning. I was nervous bc I tried to go for a run last week but I couldn’t do it. I ran for about 30 secs before I gave up and walked home. I felt defeated. It was weird bc I love running and I’m an avid runner. But before that I hadn’t ran in a little over a month. And this is why sims crashing was what I needed.

My grandfather had been terminally ill and that bothered me more than I realized. I wasn’t playing sims everyday for several hours bc I was that in love with it. I was playing to forget about my real life. A coping mechanism. As long as I was playing sims , I didn’t have a worry in the world bc my sim was living their best life! I wasn’t running nor working out in real life but my sims was in the gym 5 days a week or in a yoga class😭. I’ve never experienced a death close to me so there was no way to be “okay” or a way for me to wrap my head around the fact.

My Paupau passed last Tuesday. I think I’m handling it well. Or I thought I did. I spent last week in my room……. playing sims. I didn’t want to leave my room nor did I want to leave my house. I spent my days in the dark eating fast food, playing sims and watching tv shows while doing so. I didn’t complete nor turn in any of my major tests, assignments or papers. I was absent from my regular life. Skip forward to last night, writing , and choosing to do differently and better. Then fast forward to this morning getting the courage/energy to run this morning.

Remember when I couldn’t run 30secs last run? I get out today and in my mind I’m telling myself I could do it. I CAN DO THIS!! Deciding to do something that I love, brings me happiness and keeps me looking like a SHNACK! I stretch for a bit before my run and start my time. I begin my run and I’m already tired and just as I was about to slow down, the wind pushed me. I felt two hands and an arm, sort of, behind me pushing me. I knew exactly who it was and I began to cry. Balling my eyes out. Picture me running and crying like shit. Not only was I being pushed, I was pushed into , meaning I was given peace, I was given happiness, joy and at the same exact time things were being pushed out of me… Things like my fears, my worries, my problems and the things that I could not control. I ran and cried my troubles away. Running miles just shedding dead weight , and probably crying out of my tears along with my fears. I’ve never felt so good in my life. I’ve never had this much peace.

I’m not sad, I’m happy. I’m glad my Paupau is in a better place. I’m so fucking happy that he’s no longer in pain nor living a miserable life. Sure I miss his presence , his love , his hugs , his kisses and his jokes. But nothing makes me happier than knowing that he’s okay. Knowing that he’s with all of his loved ones that were waiting to welcome him up above. And also knowing that he’s behind me in/with every step that I take.

I’m walking back home rn while writing this and at first I was getting a rough draft for a post that I was putting out today but I’m choosing to share this with you all. I hope all of this makes sense bc I’m not rereading this nor revising it. From my notes, to you ❤

As always, thank you and I love you all.

—Perplexxed.

cheers to our love💙.

D-E-M-I-S-E-X-U-A-L-I-T-Y

Idk sometimes I feel like something is wrong with me. Or at least, people can make me feel like something is wrong with me lol. Often-times people misunderstand me or just don’t try to understand me at all.

You know how people see someone fine and are like “Damn, I would fuck the shit out of him/her”? Nope, never been me. I’ve never been a super sexual person. Growing up as a teen and now a young adult, I’ve lived vicariously through my friends, etc. I’d listen to their stories and sexual rendezvous and I was okay with that. I’ve always been okay with the fact that I’m not like many people, but I’m not always sure that I’m okay with that fact. Many of my friends have had their boyfriends, girlfriends, causal partners, and I’ve always been the one to not give someone my time of day. For a while, I never understood why I am how I am. If you’re unable to understand yourself how are you able to help someone understand you?

Through a lot of self-discovering, reading, writing and experiencing different people/ relationships, I figured it out. I learned that I am demisexual, a more recent sexuality coined in 2006. After discovering this, things made sense and also gave me a sense of confidence because I felt understood. I no longer felt like I was the only person feeling or being how I am. It gave me an insight.

What is Demisexuality?

Demisexuality is a sexual orientation where people only experience sexual attraction to folks they have close emotional connections with. Demisexual people only experience sexual attraction after an emotional bond has formed.

I spent a lot of time thinking I was asexual. And honestly, I might be in-between the two. I’ve always enjoyed being alone and in my own space. Unlike many of my friends, I never cared to date or meet people. Once I started dating and later became sexually active, I realized that I wasn’t asexual. I just required more, and it takes something more for me to get a place of comfort, especially before becoming sexual. This insight made me more comfortable sexually, mentally and physically. I no longer felt “lost in the sauce”. I had something to help educate and understand myself more.

Through this newfound knowledge, it helped me express how I felt with others. Finally, I could communicate my wants & needs. I could help other people understand me (if they wanted to), if they were trying to get to know me and/or date me. For once, I could put my feelings, thoughts and emotions into words. Although it has made communicating easier for me it hasn’t really made dating any easier.

I would say that I’m a pretty private and somewhat a “closed- off” person. It takes a little longer to get to know me, and because I always want to feel understood, I take my time when meeting people who are interested in me. Like many people, I don’t like being judged preeminently before even understanding me as a person. But, of course, people are going to judge you no matter what because that’s what we do.

“Bitch”, “Stuck up” and all the fun words similar to these are words that I’m often called. (Occasionally, I get a “Fuck you bitch” when I don’t give someone my time lol). It’s given me a peace of mind once learning about it and has helped me to understanding myself more. It has made dating easier and harder at the same time. Thankfully, it makes dropping people easier because most aren’t my people, but often it makes me question myself. I question the decisions I make, knowing that these are the best decisions. Knowing who you are will give you confidence, but it can also make you feel lonely. A few times I’ve caught myself giving away bits of myself to keep someone around. Costing me myself, my joy and happiness.

Those few moments are during times where I’m at my lowest of moods because honestly, who doesn’t experience periods of depression or sadness? And at those moments, I’m not as confident or as self-aware. Sometimes I struggle navigating through the dating world/ apps because people are searching for different things. It’s rare to meet someone one who’s looking for the same things you are.

Lolololol there’s so much more to discuss but I think I’ll save the rest for another post. I just wanted to share my minor dilemma. Lately I’ve considered just having a casual relationship, strange, but I’m interested.

Every day, I learn something new and every day I realize that I know nothing.

Till next time & much love!

—Perplexxed.

To Infinity and Beyond♾

Like many things in my life, things never or rarely go as planned. I wanted to continue and grow from my last post, but I have something else that I want to share.

The last few months have been pretty emotional and challenging. I’ve spent much of my time (much of my coins, too) traveling between Houston and New Orleans. So much so, I’ve reached a new tier, and Southwest gave me a few free flights. It’s been fun, different and very much needed. I haven’t had a lot of time to myself, I’ve given myself to people, places and spaces.

I’ve been traveling solo mostly, but I’ve also been moving around with my friends. Partying, trying new foods and just spending a lot of time together, creating memories. But, I’ve also been moving back and forth to visit and spend time with my Paupau (Grandfather) who’s terminally ill. It’s been extremely hard for me and my family. Back when I was traveling between New Orleans and Chicago, I started drafting a post talking about my Paupau, but I never shared it because I never finished it. It was hard to complete and too hard to think about him not being here.

I spent a bit of time in Chicago and Houston hanging out and spending quality time with my Paupau. We’ve talked, we’ve laughed, we’ve loved, and I even cooked for him (if ya know me then you know I only cook for one!!!) It was what I needed and I’d say the same for him. My grandparents lived in Chicago all of my life before recently moving down to Houston. I would see them now and then throughout the years (mostly summers). My Paupau has always been a big part of my life and he’s always been my best friend; and I, his favorite grandchild. I have yet to tell him, but he’s the one that initially taught me self-love and self-acceptance. He’s also the reason I moved to New Orleans, his home/birthplace. More than anything, I wanted to share a piece of my life with my Paupau and I wanted to experience life in his home. I wanted to have that connection, and I wanted something deeper to share between us.

My Paupau was diagnosed with cancer last year and he’s been battling it since (he’s also blind). And well, cancer is winning and will soon become victorious. I’ve struggled with accepting the fact that one day he won’t be here and I don’t think I ever will. I’ve never experienced loss, at least a “close loss”. This is new and very different. Frankly, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to wrap my head around it. There aren’t enough stories, articles or people to listen to help me, so I’ve given up. I’ve decided to just accept the fact and hopefully find the silver-lining when the moment comes.

To know my Paupau is to know that he’s a COMEDIAN! He’s literally the funniest person I know and probably the only person I mimic. He loves his family, his personality is unmatched and so are his hugs & kisses. There’s never a dull moment with Paupau because he lights up every room he walks in. Although, he and I didn’t spend a lot of time together (physically) growing up we’ve always shared a special bond. We’ve just always been cool, and I don’t know how I’m his favorite grandchild when he’s spent so much more time with many of my cousins. I’m not complaining though, It’s an honor lol.

What hurts the most is the fact that he won’t be here for many of my life’s major moments. Since I was a kid we’ve talked about me becoming this big lawyer, becoming president and taking over the world. He was supposed to be here to watch me walk across the stage and receive my J.D. He was supposed to be here to see our dreams come to fruition and the thought of these moments brings me to tears because it won’t be the same. He’s my reason, the fuel that keeps me going when I don’t want to anymore. These major milestones and moments were supposed to be shared together. Worst is the fact that my kids will never get to meet him, hear his jokes nor feel his love. He’ll only be a story, and I pray that I’m able to make him sound as great as he is.

I just wanted to give you all an update and just let you know that I’m still here and still writing. It’s been incredibly hard for me and I’m just trying to find my footing. And as alwaysssss I appreciate you all for taking the time to read my blogs!

Much love,

– Perplexxed.

Paupau in Chicago June2020

Broken Clocks.

First, sorry…… I don’t really have an excuse other than life. These past few months have been crazy and maybe extreme. From Houston, to New Orleans, Chicago, after Nashville, then back to Nola.

There’s much to share, but honestly, I don’t know where to start. I’m great, I’m in a marvellous space, and a fresh place (literally). You know, Corona has put a stop to my life, and my sense of normalcy. And as much as it sucks, this time has truly been a blessing.

This pause in life has given me a second chance. I’ve had time to sit…… still. I’ve had time to process my thoughts, feelings and emotions. I’ve had time to plan out my steps and short-term goals. I’ve also had time to slay my demons and deal with a haunting past.

A few days ago, I started a three-piece series on my Finsta titled “#FindingMyJoy” and for those three days I shared what I would consider three of my deepest demons or things that I would blame for my personal downfalls. I believe in sharing my bad along with my good. I think it creates a full and clearer picture of who I am and what makes me. I believe it shapes the beauty.

I want to share these three posts with you all. I have much to talk about, but as I publish these next few posts; I want to start at the bad/ugly and take it from there. We’ll get to the good but I want to bring y’all where I’ve been first so you can see the bigger picture, ya know?

And, as easy as it may seem, letting people in to my life is frightening and there’s a lot for me to get over before publishing things for people to read. Whether I’m judging myself or expecting judgements from others. It’s not something that I’m used to, but I’m taking steps to allow myself to open up to others.

Let’s get into it. Mind you, I have talked about a few of these things before so hopefully this doesn’t become too repetitive.

#FindingMyJoy Day1 ,

“Deciding to share some of my demons/ reasons for my personal downfalls for the next three days. First demon.. I am the MOST insecure person I know. Probably the most insecure person alive. I’m not confident, I have low self-esteem and I really hate the way I look(most times). Rarely am I ever happy and I really didn’t start loving Tarrion until I was about 21 and it’s still an uphill battle. *working on all of these things*”

The person who my friends thought I was didn’t exist until recently. I’ve needed or sought validation from people who were not Tarrion. For the past few years, I feel like I’ve been walking around and not living as myself. Walking around putting up this facade and convincing people that I was okay. Which I wasn’t. I didn’t share many things, but I shared things with my students while I was teaching, even clients I tutored. Only because they had this idea of me that was false. Ya’ll know kids think you’re some  superhero and  “Mr. T” has never had it all together. I was just trying my best to make it through most of my days, honestly.

#FindingMyJoy Day2,

“I have the most CRIPPLING anxiety. You wanna talk about STOPPING BAGSSSSSSS??! Chile, I’ve stopped my biggest bags and blessings due to my horrible anxiety. I’ve missed out on opportunities, jobs and positions that could’ve taken my life to the TOP! I skipped so many classes, social events, parties and shit bc of my anxiety. I’ve had a fucking heart attack due to my anxiety. I’ve found myself in the deepest darkest depression, bc of my anxiety. Like everything that has gone wrong in my life has been bc of my anxiety. This is why I run every day, I play sims every day, I have to journal every day and also why I sit in the dark and in silence to calm myself and my nerves. And thankfully I have the best BLACK WOMAN LIFE COACH in the worlddddd!”

Again, I’ve talked about this in my “Silent Battles” post. But, this is literally my biggest downfall and I feel like people have taken my anxiety as a joke because they don’t know what it’s like to suffer from what I have. It’s hard, it’s a lot, and it has caused me to become someone that I don’t want to be. I’m tired of living in the dark and being afraid.

#FindingMyJoy Day3,

“I didn’t realize how detached/ disengaged I was until I got older. Honestly, no one really knows me (except for maybe 3 people). It’s so hard opening up and letting people in and honestly I think it stems from being raped. I don’t really care to talk about that experience but I never realized how much it fucked me up. Especially , sexually! Two people that I was supposed to be very close friends with took advantage of me and hurt me more than they’d ever know. Didn’t really understand how bad it was until I started dating. Even with my friends and peers. Sucks to say, but everything and everyone is kept at face value and I tend to keep everyone at a distance bc I just don’t like people being too close. It can also be bc I don’t want people to see how much of a mess I truly am. This is also something that I’m working on, allowing people to become closer to me and truly know me (the right people). I think I’m a great person but not many people get to experience that.

**Also, thank you all for the very encouraging words and all of the love. But, pleaseeeee don’t worry about me lol. These are just things that I share, just making myself a bit more vulnerable to you all. I used to think that I was the only person going through certain things until I started to talk and share my stories. I know there are many people who have similar troubles and I just want people to know that it’s okay. And if you read all of this.. I love you💙.”

The last and final entry of that mini series. This is actually the first time I’ve called it “rape”. I always tried to bounce other words and terms around, trying to avoid it. That four letter word just holds so much power, and I never wanted to be someone’s victim. Honestly, before publishing “Me, Too.” I’ve never talked about it nor realized how much that affected me. It affected how I looked at people, how I received them, and how I thought most people were. And it’s crazy to think it didn’t affect me lol. Who was I trying to fool? How can something like that not trouble and/or change me?

I just wanted to share this bit with you all before jumping into these posts, there’s more ugly to share before getting to the good and PLEASE know that I am good. These are just things that troubled (past tense) me. I’ve had time to work through these things. No, I’m not through or done, but I’m taking the steps I need to get passed them.

Again, thank you all for reading and supporting my blog. The love and support is unreal and overwhelming. I’m back and I’ll try my best to stay consistent. Let’s heal and grow together.

-Perplexxed.

Silent Battles.

May 18th 2020

So this is something that I’ve shared with close friends and my finsta lol. It’s something that has truly troubled me and what I would say “hindered” my growth. Two years ago, about three weeks before my 22nd birthday, I suffered from a heart attack. The worstttttt day of my life. It was unexpected and so scary that I have never lived the same.

Around this time I was a full-time student, interning, running a tutoring business, and attending social events/ galas almost every night. I was used to having mini panic attacks because of my anxiety, but I never thought I was having silent heart attacks. Thankfully, at the time I was tutoring the son of two doctors (two snaps for our Black medical professionals) and after a session one day I talked to one of them about the things I was experiencing. Almost daily I had chest pains, shortness of breath, and I was almost always light-headed. After talking to the Doc about what I was experiencing, she scared me and got super serious about me going to the ER when having another episode.

The week before having the conversation I remember going to a basketball game with now, ex friends and I got so worked up that I had to hurry and get back to my car. I could not breathe to save my life and I started crying because I really couldn’t understand what was happening and it was very overwhelming. I had to miss out on the game and go home because of not feeling well and honestly I just thought it was my anxiety getting the best of me. Having to be around an enormous group of people is never exciting for me.

I was on a mission and I was too focused on making a name and establishing myself in New Orleans. And everything was literally perfect. All was extremely well. I was “doing the damn thang” and I was proud. I’ve always wanted to return home, to my family’s roots, and leave my mark. My parents were proud, my friends were proud, as was I. I couldn’t imagine anything better, truly.

Well, that was before having a heart attack at 8p on a school night. I was driving home after tutoring one of my students and what I thought was another panic attack turned out to be something worse. After that conversation with Doc, I didn’t want to take another chance and honestly after the conversation I was VERRRRRRY scared. So, I drove myself to the ER, told them what I was experiencing, and they saw me in about 5 minutes….. BOOM! After an EKG and a few other tests, results came back stating that I was having a heart attack. The test/chart showed that I suffered from left and right heart infarctions. The doctors asked if I was in some accident because they really couldn’t understand what they were reading. Here is this 21-year-old, visibly healthy patient coming in having a heart attack. Well, before reading past conditions they were lost in the sauce. I had been having heart complications since I was about 14 years old and I was walking around with heart monitors, at school and everywhere else. I wasn’t new to any of this, I just never had a heart attack.

For the next three weeks I would go to see a team of doctors every other day. All of it was frightening, and I really wanted my mom there with me. I was so used to her always being present when visiting my doctors in Houston :(. I felt so alone and my life just stopped. I was on “bed rest” for a few weeks and I was walking around with more monitors. 

I no longer knew how to live life without the fear of suffering from another heart attack. I stopped going out for fun and business; I stopped tutoring, started bailing on friends, the next semester I transitioned to taking more online classes and my anxiety was at an all-time HIGH. I don’t think anyone understood how much that affected me. I was scared to live, too scared to “do too much”.

No one around me was as present or there for me as much as I would’ve liked for them to. I lost a group of my then closest “friends” and that was just another crack at my heart. They devastated me. I was being “dramatic” “doing too much” and “over-exaggerating” because I could no longer go out and when I tried to hang with them I was wearing my heart monitor. I would’ve never expected that my friends would’ve paid me such dust and just lack compassion.

My best friend was there a bit, but I also expected more from her. I didn’t know what more to say for people to see that in that moment in time I needed them. I lost a sense of myself and my friends were all that I had that brought me some sense. Thankfully, I had my amazing aunt and younger cousin (Hey Kayla!) to keep me in better spirits and be there for me, and my close friends back in Houston calling me daily to check up on me.

Again, I’ve touched on this throughout time, but I don’t think people understood the gravity of this incident. I’ve held myself back because of fear. I’ve missed out on opportunities that could have totally changed my life and these are things that I can’t get back. I fell into a deep depression and I didn’t leave my house for anything except doctor appointments. I was always in my room sitting in absolute darkness just eating, sleeping and crying. And not until recently I began working towards getting back to a healthy place in life. Imagine spending almost two years of your life in complete sadness and darkness and not telling anyone how you really felt on the inside. For a while I felt dead inside. My sense of Tarrion was dead.

Now, I’m in a healthier state and mindset. I’ve made better choices to live a better life (without doing the most). I’ve learned how to control my anxiety (without meds) and I now definitely stress wayyyy less. I run and write every day. This “loss” also blessed me with a group of amazing friends. Weirdly, after being dumped by not so exceptional friends. I’ve gotten back into things that brought me joy, and I’m not as nervous/ scared as I used to be. I now try to get the most of my life, not knowing how it feels to die, but I know what it feels like to lose and I never want to feel that sense of loss and defeat ever again.  

Me, Too.

May 10, 2020               1:19p

If you were active on Twitter a week or two ago, you might have seen a few pages created to expose rapists and predators. The entire thing with exposing these evil people and victims sharing their stories had been triggering. Not so much of the actual stories themselves, but victims being called liars and/or doubted. So, a few days ago, I shared a story with my mom and I told her about the time that I was sexually assaulted.

After seeing all the posts and replies on Twitter. I took it upon myself to go to my mom and ask her if she had ever been sexually assaulted. Just asking because it happens more than you think it does. I just wanted to know, I wanted to know if she ever had to go through that. She responded, “No. Why would you ask?” So, I told her about all the Twitter stuff and after I stood there waiting for her to ask if I had ever experienced it myself. She never did, so in that moment I took it upon myself to tell my mom about what happened to me. I told her…. She paused, and we looked at each other. She froze, and she looked at me with so much disbelief and sadness. She immediately got teary eyed before balling. Honestly, I didn’t know what to do, and I was taken back because I realized that I wasn’t ready for this. “I didn’t even think to ask you that. I would have thought you’d come and tell me something like this.” Well, I didn’t lol.. I honestly wanted to act like nothing happened to me. I wanted to get rid of the image and memory of what they did to me. This led me to having to share this experience with my mom, and I tried my best to not have to revisit that moment. Although I didn’t tell anyone, I didn’t think I had an issue saying that it happened to me, as long as I never had to walk people through those exact moments, ya know? Like I can say “I was sexually assaulted” but me going back to that time and taking people through step by step isn’t something that I want to do.

 Yes, this terrible thing happened to me, but I don’t want it to become who I am. I didn’t want to go throughout my life being seen as a “victim” or having to grow up and whenever my family and I would watch a show/movie where someone got raped and then everyone turned to look at me. Get it? I never wanted to live a life like that. And my mom asked, “Why didn’t you tell anyone?” Well, um….. It’s embarrassing. It’s one thing to have been sexually assaulted but then it’s different when you’re a boy/man. It’s embarrassing and sometimes it’s never taken seriously because it was a girl/woman who did this to you. And, in my case, there were two girls. 

So, when people take it upon themselves to call men and women liars, it hurts, and it bothers me. Do you know the percentages of cases where someone lied about rape? 5%!!!! PERCENTTTTT! And this number comes from a case study of REPORTED cases. Do you know how many people choose not to report their assault and rapists??? More than you’d ever know! Could you imagine being raped, violated, and then being called a LIAR? Soul crushing!

For me, I can’t say that my experience has haunted me, nor has it ever been something heavy on my mind. I know what happened; I know who did it and I remember how I felt at the moment and after. It’s something that I worked through and dealt with on my own. I told no one. This was something that I took to my grave(or at least planned to).

Lately, I’ve been trying to take a deeper dive into myself and really figure out if this has affected me in ways I have never noticed. I mean.. other than my anxiety and having trouble allowing people to get close to me, that’s about it. And I’d say that’s light compared to things I have heard and/or read.

My Friends Called me Toxic.

May 7th, 2020. 2:36am

So how about I do a series of entries since Miss Rona has come through and shaken up our lives. I always feel like I have so much to write and share, but it all gets very overwhelming. I think I like the idea of just posting shorter entries but I don’t want it to become too informal and/or lack content of substance; ya dig?

So, I just wanted to write because I can’t sleep and many things are running rampant through my mind right now. Sometimes… or often… well every time someone new comes around, it’s hard for me to let them in or I feel the need to put them through a series of tests. I think I’m aware of myself doing this, but mostly I don’t truly realize what I’m doing, exactly. Am I that hurt? That damaged, and that put off? I would call it “self-sabotage” because, why?

Like, for instance, the most recent guy, Eryck. You guys Eryck is a decent guy or was a decent guy and I honestly enjoyed his company. I mean there were a few things that I couldn’t get jiggy with but mostly he was amazing. Handsome, charming, educated, charismatic, humorous and best of all, Black. You know, almost my ideal guy. While there were a few discrepancies, Eryck was someone that I could see myself dating. Throughout the time we were getting to know each other, I was consciously putting him through a series of tests. I recollect the first time that he disappointed me and I remember how upset I was about it. I remember telling him, “This is why I don’t set expectations because people let me down. And you let me down so now I no longer have expectations for you.” A tad bit harsh if you were to hear my tone, but why did I have to do all that? Around that time I’d say that I had justifiable reasons lol.  

I never really realized how difficult I was being with these guys or in their words a “Bitch”. I would just say they’re calling me names because I’m very direct and black & white, when in all honesty I was just being quite a…….. bitch ;/. I often ask myself if I’m okay or if I’m still dealing with things from my past because I have this gigantic wall up. I swear I’ve worked on it or at least I thought I have. I run, I talk to my mom, I talk to my friends, I talk to my life coach and I write/ sing it out (Yes ya boy sounds like Beyonce).

My friends also say that I’m too argumentative and too serious. Somehow I always find myself in an argument with someone (I think it’s my nature). But, I disagree, as uptight as I am some guys are disrespectful and just a tad too “ew” for me :/. 

And, I say all this not because I’m looking to date or be with someone just talking about what has been going on. I need to learn how to go with the flow and relax. Just let things go as they should and not be super controlling.

Well, now Eryck is gone as he has moved to start a fresh job and an amazing life. I am so happy for him, and I wish him much success. I just wish that I had more time to make things right before his departure. I’m not proud of how I handled things, but this is all a lesson, ya know? And hopefully I don’t make this mistake with someone new.

Just Might x Self- Destruction.

Perplexxed. 1 : Filled with uncertainty: PUZZLED.
2 : Full of difficulty.

Have you heard Summer Walker’s new song , “Just Might” ft PARTYNEXTDOOR? If not , I highly suggest listening to it.

“Just Might” finds Summer deploring the fact that no matter what she does, men always seem to come and go. As she hits her breaking point, she reflects on herself, believing it to be a product of her own shortcomings, and even begins to believe that she’d be better off in a less formal arrangement despite her hopes for more. Eventually she comes to the conclusion that she won’t let love be ruined for her, and that over time she can build a relationship that isn’t based on sex and what she can do for a man, but on her intellect and value as an individual.

The song was a little too real and I almost felt called out by the song..
“Love is a losin’ game and I just can’t take no more, no more
Said love is a losin’ game, so I just might be a ho (Yeah, yeah)”

These days men and women aren’t playing fair in the game of love. Nowadays, it’s all about one upping the other and/or not getting too attached to someone. Not seeming vulnerable, having a foot up on the next person and always leaving one foot out of the door. Is this what love is? Is this what it has become?

After recently removing myself/ridding my emotions from a two- year rollercoaster of a “situationship”, I’ve started dating. Sure I’ve gone on dates during my situationship but never anything serious. More so recently (second half of 2019 until now) I have entered the dating “scene”. The whole “Oh you’re cute! Let’s go grab a drink” or the “I’m in NOLA for the weekend ;).”

For this reason, I have met many interesting people. Whether in person, Tinder, Bumble, Twitter, etc.. Sure, fun experiences and fun moments but nothing of substance. I can’t say that I’ve met anyone “interesting” or “unique”. Drinking, clubbing, movies and many dinner dates.. with many dead-ends. Again, fun but just not my type.

How can we as a collective move towards place a of honesty, vulnerability and being okay with things ending? How can we make healthier and respectable efforts in regards to treating people better? In this new decade, I ask if we can all work to move to a space of honesty, openness and transparency.

JUST MIGHT x Self- Destruction (Part 1)

“ I really am a stupid bitch. Like, a real dumb bitch. Why do I put up with so much shit!”
An excerpt from my personal journal, dated October 16, 2019.

Why do I keep, purposely, doing things that I know are wrong? Why do I find myself being emotionally abusive to myself? Why do I keep going back to a situation that isn’t healthy? Every time, knowing that nothing ever changes? Only for things to be great for two weeks and then having me facetime my mom balling my eyes out. I haven’t gone back once, twice nor three times.. We’re in the double digits, over the course of two and a half years. Two and a half years of drama, a roller coaster. Two and a half years of “can’t get right”. Many broken hearts, thousands of tears and many sleepless nights. There have been many times where I have felt like “this what I deserve” or “this is as good as it’ll get”.

I found myself going back time after time.. after time. Thinking that it would work; thinking that things would change. Hoping that this person would realize what he had in front of him. Literally, praying that he would notice my worth and what I had brought to the table. Because, what more could you ask for?

Growing up, I thought I was the most emotionally secure person, ever. Especially, after watching my friends go through bad breakups and deal with scandalous s/o’s. I’d judge them (mostly in my head) because I never understood staying in situations where I wasn’t treated the way that I should’ve been.

I grew up with married parents (they weren’t perfect but as a child they hid things very well) so I had a sense or a picture of “love”. My parents and monogamy were all that I was familiar with. So, even then I would say that I knew how to treat someone that I loved and how I should be treated by someone who loved me.

Then, at 18, my world came crashing down after I caught my dad texting and talking to other women. His infidelity is what led to the dissolution of my parents marriage.
As a result, I also understood leaving relationships and/or situations that weren’t healthy. My mom also taught me not to settle (not only by telling me but by showing through her actions). As I said before, my parents hid things very well; my mom had been very unhappy for years prior to building the courage needed to divorce my father. Subsequently, thanks to my mom and her bravery, she showed me that wasn’t any way to live — someone that loves you and truly cares for you, would never hurt you. She showed me that there is always something better; and that doesn’t necessarily mean someone else but loving yourself. Treating yourself the way you know you should be treated. (Thanks Mom)

All this while not experiencing nor have been in any kind of romantic relationship. So, I just knew when these moments came that I was fully prepared to be okay with leaving and dismissing people who didn’t do right by me. Well, that didn’t really go as planned (lol). I remember calling my friends all kinds of “stupid”, “dumb”, “insecure”, etc.. Only to have been put in the same situations by someone that I was in love with. Never knew what “love” was so, I didn’t really believe that it made you do “crazy things”. Now look at my fool ass.

In conclusion, I never thought that I would be in the place that I was with my last relationship.. I mean “situationship”. I never thought that I would be that in that type of relationship. I could blame it on the fact that I had never been in a relationship prior to this nor have actually experienced love (romantically). Honestly, I thought I found someone special, caught feelings, then lost my virginity. I didn’t know what the hell to do and I didn’t want it to end. I really held on , or at least tried to hold to what I thought I had.

*Meeting people, getting to know them and establishing these connections are the easier parts. These are easily accessible because it’s all at face value. I’ll go more in depth with “Part 2”.

Until next time,
Perplexxed.

My Shit Stinks Too!

So, I really just wanted to submit my first post before the new year. This isn’t a “post” post, it’s more of “soft” post, if you catch my drift. Named and titled after a word that I truly feel characterizes my life, at 23 years old. This is the introduction to you as my most vulnerable and transparent self.

What does ” Perplexxed” mean?
The definition of “Perplexed” is ; 1: filled with uncertainty : PUZZLED
2: full of difficulty.

Why Perplexxed?

This is something that I have always wanted to create. I’ve been journaling and writing my entire life; writing has always been the best way to express myself. I’ve struggled with anxiety for the past several years ( since the 8th grade) and I’ve also struggled with accepting myself , poor self-esteem and judgement from others.. Whether from said words or formed thoughts in my head.

The year of 2019 has been an extremely humbling year! Definitely a year for the books. The roughest, toughest, saddest, but also happiest year of my life (so far). The year of growth, love, loss, heartbreak, accomplishment and failure. Taking every “L” in stride and standing in my faith/ belief that all will be well.

No doubt, I believe that everything I have experienced this year will resonate and reach readers. A year of me truly loving, valuing and accepting myself and all that it means. Unquestionably, I would say that, this is the year of me learning that my shit stinks, too. And, that I am NOT the only person going through the struggles of young adulthood (although it often feels like it).

Finally, ridding myself of fear, troubles, personal debt, toxic people and a toxic situationship. 2020, the year of me, the year of growth and living to my fullest potential. The year of doing whatever the fuck I want no longer adding things to my list of regrets.

See you soon,
Happy New Years from PERPLEXXED.