My Friends Called me Toxic.

May 7th, 2020. 2:36am

So how about I do a series of entries since Miss Rona has come through and shaken up our lives. I always feel like I have so much to write and share, but it all gets very overwhelming. I think I like the idea of just posting shorter entries but I don’t want it to become too informal and/or lack content of substance; ya dig?

So, I just wanted to write because I can’t sleep and many things are running rampant through my mind right now. Sometimes… or often… well every time someone new comes around, it’s hard for me to let them in or I feel the need to put them through a series of tests. I think I’m aware of myself doing this, but mostly I don’t truly realize what I’m doing, exactly. Am I that hurt? That damaged, and that put off? I would call it “self-sabotage” because, why?

Like, for instance, the most recent guy, Eryck. You guys Eryck is a decent guy or was a decent guy and I honestly enjoyed his company. I mean there were a few things that I couldn’t get jiggy with but mostly he was amazing. Handsome, charming, educated, charismatic, humorous and best of all, Black. You know, almost my ideal guy. While there were a few discrepancies, Eryck was someone that I could see myself dating. Throughout the time we were getting to know each other, I was consciously putting him through a series of tests. I recollect the first time that he disappointed me and I remember how upset I was about it. I remember telling him, “This is why I don’t set expectations because people let me down. And you let me down so now I no longer have expectations for you.” A tad bit harsh if you were to hear my tone, but why did I have to do all that? Around that time I’d say that I had justifiable reasons lol.  

I never really realized how difficult I was being with these guys or in their words a “Bitch”. I would just say they’re calling me names because I’m very direct and black & white, when in all honesty I was just being quite a…….. bitch ;/. I often ask myself if I’m okay or if I’m still dealing with things from my past because I have this gigantic wall up. I swear I’ve worked on it or at least I thought I have. I run, I talk to my mom, I talk to my friends, I talk to my life coach and I write/ sing it out (Yes ya boy sounds like Beyonce).

My friends also say that I’m too argumentative and too serious. Somehow I always find myself in an argument with someone (I think it’s my nature). But, I disagree, as uptight as I am some guys are disrespectful and just a tad too “ew” for me :/. 

And, I say all this not because I’m looking to date or be with someone just talking about what has been going on. I need to learn how to go with the flow and relax. Just let things go as they should and not be super controlling.

Well, now Eryck is gone as he has moved to start a fresh job and an amazing life. I am so happy for him, and I wish him much success. I just wish that I had more time to make things right before his departure. I’m not proud of how I handled things, but this is all a lesson, ya know? And hopefully I don’t make this mistake with someone new.

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