Broken Clocks.

First, sorry…… I don’t really have an excuse other than life. These past few months have been crazy and maybe extreme. From Houston, to New Orleans, Chicago, after Nashville, then back to Nola.

There’s much to share, but honestly, I don’t know where to start. I’m great, I’m in a marvellous space, and a fresh place (literally). You know, Corona has put a stop to my life, and my sense of normalcy. And as much as it sucks, this time has truly been a blessing.

This pause in life has given me a second chance. I’ve had time to sit…… still. I’ve had time to process my thoughts, feelings and emotions. I’ve had time to plan out my steps and short-term goals. I’ve also had time to slay my demons and deal with a haunting past.

A few days ago, I started a three-piece series on my Finsta titled “#FindingMyJoy” and for those three days I shared what I would consider three of my deepest demons or things that I would blame for my personal downfalls. I believe in sharing my bad along with my good. I think it creates a full and clearer picture of who I am and what makes me. I believe it shapes the beauty.

I want to share these three posts with you all. I have much to talk about, but as I publish these next few posts; I want to start at the bad/ugly and take it from there. We’ll get to the good but I want to bring y’all where I’ve been first so you can see the bigger picture, ya know?

And, as easy as it may seem, letting people in to my life is frightening and there’s a lot for me to get over before publishing things for people to read. Whether I’m judging myself or expecting judgements from others. It’s not something that I’m used to, but I’m taking steps to allow myself to open up to others.

Let’s get into it. Mind you, I have talked about a few of these things before so hopefully this doesn’t become too repetitive.

#FindingMyJoy Day1 ,

“Deciding to share some of my demons/ reasons for my personal downfalls for the next three days. First demon.. I am the MOST insecure person I know. Probably the most insecure person alive. I’m not confident, I have low self-esteem and I really hate the way I look(most times). Rarely am I ever happy and I really didn’t start loving Tarrion until I was about 21 and it’s still an uphill battle. *working on all of these things*”

The person who my friends thought I was didn’t exist until recently. I’ve needed or sought validation from people who were not Tarrion. For the past few years, I feel like I’ve been walking around and not living as myself. Walking around putting up this facade and convincing people that I was okay. Which I wasn’t. I didn’t share many things, but I shared things with my students while I was teaching, even clients I tutored. Only because they had this idea of me that was false. Ya’ll know kids think you’re some  superhero and  “Mr. T” has never had it all together. I was just trying my best to make it through most of my days, honestly.

#FindingMyJoy Day2,

“I have the most CRIPPLING anxiety. You wanna talk about STOPPING BAGSSSSSSS??! Chile, I’ve stopped my biggest bags and blessings due to my horrible anxiety. I’ve missed out on opportunities, jobs and positions that could’ve taken my life to the TOP! I skipped so many classes, social events, parties and shit bc of my anxiety. I’ve had a fucking heart attack due to my anxiety. I’ve found myself in the deepest darkest depression, bc of my anxiety. Like everything that has gone wrong in my life has been bc of my anxiety. This is why I run every day, I play sims every day, I have to journal every day and also why I sit in the dark and in silence to calm myself and my nerves. And thankfully I have the best BLACK WOMAN LIFE COACH in the worlddddd!”

Again, I’ve talked about this in my “Silent Battles” post. But, this is literally my biggest downfall and I feel like people have taken my anxiety as a joke because they don’t know what it’s like to suffer from what I have. It’s hard, it’s a lot, and it has caused me to become someone that I don’t want to be. I’m tired of living in the dark and being afraid.

#FindingMyJoy Day3,

“I didn’t realize how detached/ disengaged I was until I got older. Honestly, no one really knows me (except for maybe 3 people). It’s so hard opening up and letting people in and honestly I think it stems from being raped. I don’t really care to talk about that experience but I never realized how much it fucked me up. Especially , sexually! Two people that I was supposed to be very close friends with took advantage of me and hurt me more than they’d ever know. Didn’t really understand how bad it was until I started dating. Even with my friends and peers. Sucks to say, but everything and everyone is kept at face value and I tend to keep everyone at a distance bc I just don’t like people being too close. It can also be bc I don’t want people to see how much of a mess I truly am. This is also something that I’m working on, allowing people to become closer to me and truly know me (the right people). I think I’m a great person but not many people get to experience that.

**Also, thank you all for the very encouraging words and all of the love. But, pleaseeeee don’t worry about me lol. These are just things that I share, just making myself a bit more vulnerable to you all. I used to think that I was the only person going through certain things until I started to talk and share my stories. I know there are many people who have similar troubles and I just want people to know that it’s okay. And if you read all of this.. I love you💙.”

The last and final entry of that mini series. This is actually the first time I’ve called it “rape”. I always tried to bounce other words and terms around, trying to avoid it. That four letter word just holds so much power, and I never wanted to be someone’s victim. Honestly, before publishing “Me, Too.” I’ve never talked about it nor realized how much that affected me. It affected how I looked at people, how I received them, and how I thought most people were. And it’s crazy to think it didn’t affect me lol. Who was I trying to fool? How can something like that not trouble and/or change me?

I just wanted to share this bit with you all before jumping into these posts, there’s more ugly to share before getting to the good and PLEASE know that I am good. These are just things that troubled (past tense) me. I’ve had time to work through these things. No, I’m not through or done, but I’m taking the steps I need to get passed them.

Again, thank you all for reading and supporting my blog. The love and support is unreal and overwhelming. I’m back and I’ll try my best to stay consistent. Let’s heal and grow together.

-Perplexxed.