Like many things in my life, things never or rarely go as planned. I wanted to continue and grow from my last post, but I have something else that I want to share.
The last few months have been pretty emotional and challenging. I’ve spent much of my time (much of my coins, too) traveling between Houston and New Orleans. So much so, I’ve reached a new tier, and Southwest gave me a few free flights. It’s been fun, different and very much needed. I haven’t had a lot of time to myself, I’ve given myself to people, places and spaces.
I’ve been traveling solo mostly, but I’ve also been moving around with my friends. Partying, trying new foods and just spending a lot of time together, creating memories. But, I’ve also been moving back and forth to visit and spend time with my Paupau (Grandfather) who’s terminally ill. It’s been extremely hard for me and my family. Back when I was traveling between New Orleans and Chicago, I started drafting a post talking about my Paupau, but I never shared it because I never finished it. It was hard to complete and too hard to think about him not being here.
I spent a bit of time in Chicago and Houston hanging out and spending quality time with my Paupau. We’ve talked, we’ve laughed, we’ve loved, and I even cooked for him (if ya know me then you know I only cook for one!!!) It was what I needed and I’d say the same for him. My grandparents lived in Chicago all of my life before recently moving down to Houston. I would see them now and then throughout the years (mostly summers). My Paupau has always been a big part of my life and he’s always been my best friend; and I, his favorite grandchild. I have yet to tell him, but he’s the one that initially taught me self-love and self-acceptance. He’s also the reason I moved to New Orleans, his home/birthplace. More than anything, I wanted to share a piece of my life with my Paupau and I wanted to experience life in his home. I wanted to have that connection, and I wanted something deeper to share between us.
My Paupau was diagnosed with cancer last year and he’s been battling it since (he’s also blind). And well, cancer is winning and will soon become victorious. I’ve struggled with accepting the fact that one day he won’t be here and I don’t think I ever will. I’ve never experienced loss, at least a “close loss”. This is new and very different. Frankly, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to wrap my head around it. There aren’t enough stories, articles or people to listen to help me, so I’ve given up. I’ve decided to just accept the fact and hopefully find the silver-lining when the moment comes.
To know my Paupau is to know that he’s a COMEDIAN! He’s literally the funniest person I know and probably the only person I mimic. He loves his family, his personality is unmatched and so are his hugs & kisses. There’s never a dull moment with Paupau because he lights up every room he walks in. Although, he and I didn’t spend a lot of time together (physically) growing up we’ve always shared a special bond. We’ve just always been cool, and I don’t know how I’m his favorite grandchild when he’s spent so much more time with many of my cousins. I’m not complaining though, It’s an honor lol.
What hurts the most is the fact that he won’t be here for many of my life’s major moments. Since I was a kid we’ve talked about me becoming this big lawyer, becoming president and taking over the world. He was supposed to be here to watch me walk across the stage and receive my J.D. He was supposed to be here to see our dreams come to fruition and the thought of these moments brings me to tears because it won’t be the same. He’s my reason, the fuel that keeps me going when I don’t want to anymore. These major milestones and moments were supposed to be shared together. Worst is the fact that my kids will never get to meet him, hear his jokes nor feel his love. He’ll only be a story, and I pray that I’m able to make him sound as great as he is.
I just wanted to give you all an update and just let you know that I’m still here and still writing. It’s been incredibly hard for me and I’m just trying to find my footing. And as alwaysssss I appreciate you all for taking the time to read my blogs!
Much love,
– Perplexxed.
Perplexxed. 