Idk sometimes I feel like something is wrong with me. Or at least, people can make me feel like something is wrong with me lol. Often-times people misunderstand me or just don’t try to understand me at all.
You know how people see someone fine and are like “Damn, I would fuck the shit out of him/her”? Nope, never been me. I’ve never been a super sexual person. Growing up as a teen and now a young adult, I’ve lived vicariously through my friends, etc. I’d listen to their stories and sexual rendezvous and I was okay with that. I’ve always been okay with the fact that I’m not like many people, but I’m not always sure that I’m okay with that fact. Many of my friends have had their boyfriends, girlfriends, causal partners, and I’ve always been the one to not give someone my time of day. For a while, I never understood why I am how I am. If you’re unable to understand yourself how are you able to help someone understand you?
Through a lot of self-discovering, reading, writing and experiencing different people/ relationships, I figured it out. I learned that I am demisexual, a more recent sexuality coined in 2006. After discovering this, things made sense and also gave me a sense of confidence because I felt understood. I no longer felt like I was the only person feeling or being how I am. It gave me an insight.
What is Demisexuality?
Demisexuality is a sexual orientation where people only experience sexual attraction to folks they have close emotional connections with. Demisexual people only experience sexual attraction after an emotional bond has formed.
I spent a lot of time thinking I was asexual. And honestly, I might be in-between the two. I’ve always enjoyed being alone and in my own space. Unlike many of my friends, I never cared to date or meet people. Once I started dating and later became sexually active, I realized that I wasn’t asexual. I just required more, and it takes something more for me to get a place of comfort, especially before becoming sexual. This insight made me more comfortable sexually, mentally and physically. I no longer felt “lost in the sauce”. I had something to help educate and understand myself more.
Through this newfound knowledge, it helped me express how I felt with others. Finally, I could communicate my wants & needs. I could help other people understand me (if they wanted to), if they were trying to get to know me and/or date me. For once, I could put my feelings, thoughts and emotions into words. Although it has made communicating easier for me it hasn’t really made dating any easier.
I would say that I’m a pretty private and somewhat a “closed- off” person. It takes a little longer to get to know me, and because I always want to feel understood, I take my time when meeting people who are interested in me. Like many people, I don’t like being judged preeminently before even understanding me as a person. But, of course, people are going to judge you no matter what because that’s what we do.
“Bitch”, “Stuck up” and all the fun words similar to these are words that I’m often called. (Occasionally, I get a “Fuck you bitch” when I don’t give someone my time lol). It’s given me a peace of mind once learning about it and has helped me to understanding myself more. It has made dating easier and harder at the same time. Thankfully, it makes dropping people easier because most aren’t my people, but often it makes me question myself. I question the decisions I make, knowing that these are the best decisions. Knowing who you are will give you confidence, but it can also make you feel lonely. A few times I’ve caught myself giving away bits of myself to keep someone around. Costing me myself, my joy and happiness.
Those few moments are during times where I’m at my lowest of moods because honestly, who doesn’t experience periods of depression or sadness? And at those moments, I’m not as confident or as self-aware. Sometimes I struggle navigating through the dating world/ apps because people are searching for different things. It’s rare to meet someone one who’s looking for the same things you are.
Lolololol there’s so much more to discuss but I think I’ll save the rest for another post. I just wanted to share my minor dilemma. Lately I’ve considered just having a casual relationship, strange, but I’m interested.
Every day, I learn something new and every day I realize that I know nothing.
Till next time & much love!