No Tears Left to Cry.

I had a conversation the other day with a friend while skateboarding and I really didn’t expect it. We had our normal spill of updating each other about our personal lives. He was telling me about his new friend that’s a girl and all the great things about her. (If he and she reads this, hi!) Eventually his spill ended, then it was my turn. I talked about school and work, avoiding my dating life because there isn’t one.

After talking about everything but dating, he says, “Are you dating? Talking to a new guy?”. I hate those questions because 1. I don’t have answers, 2. I think there are more important things to talk about. I tell him no, I haven’t been dating or talking to anyone as of late, but I have been going through some things.

I’ve started a new job as “Behavior Analyst” in December and last week I picked up a new client and I’ve been working with them in their home. So, before meeting with my client and his family, I saw their address, and it is literally a street behind someone from my past. I was shook, and I wasn’t happy about being so close in proximity to this person. Come to find out, my client’s live directly behind his home (cringing).

The first morning, it was a Monday; I had to drive passed his house in order to get to my client’s home and I felt so uncomfortable and sick to my stomach. Like ew, this isn’t the way I wanted to start my morning. I had to use my client’s toilet that morning because I had to do the #2! I was so embarrassed and every day after that I started my day off in my feels because of it/him.

It’s something that I’ve been dealing with for a while. The past haunts me, things that I did and things I allowed to have and keep this person around. I’m embarrassed with myself, truly. These things literally eat me up on the inside, and I don’t know how to make this stop. If I were to talk about the situations that happened and how I stayed in such a horrible relationship, you wouldn’t believe that I was talking about myself. After my friend asked, “Have you gotten over it?”, I thought about it, and I haven’t. Through us talking about it, I used the analogy of me making to the top of a hill but never making my way down to the bottom of the hill. I never got over it fully, just enough to get me through my days and out of a depression.

Days pass and I bring this up with my mom. As you all should know by now, my mom is literally my bestest friend in the entire galaxy. I vent to her my true raw feelings and tell her about the conversation, and how I’ve been feeling/ how I feel now. How in reality I’m always sad, I’m hurt and how this is the true reason for me not wanting to date.

After talking about it, I told her I’m so tired of talking about the same thing, going through the same thing and I how I feel like I’m giving this person too much power over my life. Honestly, I don’t understand how this person and this situation could be as big as it is in my life. I’m just tired of crying about it and stressing over something that I feel I can’t get over. You would think that after everything that happened that it would be easy for me to wash my hands and do away with him.

At the end of it all, my mom told me I needed to forgive myself. I needed to forgive myself for allowing these things to happen to me and forgive myself for not being there for myself like I should’ve been. That’s been by my biggest disappointment, not choosing and loving myself in the moments that I should’ve. Do you understand how sad that is? You not choosing yourself??? You not loving yourself??????? Just to keep someone around? Was it CRACK?!

Anywho, that’s what I needed to hear, and it is exactly what I need to do. After all this time of not choosing me, here I am today still not choosing myself; instead continuing to choose sadness and depression over my love and happiness. I’ve been so aggravated with the fact that I’ve made this person and this situation so big in my life, and that’s because I’ve continued to choose and do so. It sucks, and it hurts. I let myself down and I think that’s what I’ve been trying to avoid acknowledging the fact that I let myself down and the fact that I have not chosen myself. I need to heal. I deserve love, peace, happiness, and joy.

So here I am today, tonight on this beautiful Tuesday, deciding to choose me. And I want to share this with you all. Tonight is the last night that I will ever feel how I have been for the last 3 years.

I apologize for leaving you for someone else. Me choosing to love someone else and opening up to them should’ve never led me to abandoning you. Those few moments of happiness and what I thought was love wasn’t enough to leave you. I apologize for all the days that you’ve missed because of depression. All the opportunities, all the moments you could’ve spent with your friends and family. You’ll never get that time back because of me. More than anything, you’re all I’ve ever had and I apologize for not choosing you and putting you first.

Healing is extremely hard, and it can be an endless process. I pray that I never make these same mistakes in the future. But I’m happy and excited to start over. I deserve a fresh start and I deserve to love, whether it be myself and/or someone else.

Almost gave up on Perplexxed and you all, but I’ve realized how much I need this and how much I need ya’ll. Thank ya’ll for everything! It might be January 26th, but today is the start of my new year, new self and new life. Special shout out to my Mom and all of my beautiful friends that have gotten me through my days <3.

With Love,

-Perplexxed.