Mental Health is real, and depression is a bitch. Mental health/illness looks different for everyone from anxiety disorders, mood disorders, substance-abuse disorders, etc.
For most of my life, I’ve struggled with my mental health. I’ve experienced both severe anxiety and depression. There were days when I thought the world would be a better place without me in it. Some days I can’t get out of bed, some days I sit in a dark room and cry and then they’re days when I’ll play sims for 20 hours. Though I have these episodes far less than I used to, I’m never able to prepare myself for the darkness depression brings.
Depression affects me in ways that I can’t explain. Honestly, I feel like my anxiety and depression join forces to kick my ass and break me down mentally and emotionally. I can start my week off in the highest spirit and by Tuesday afternoon I’m questioning my worth, my looks and if people actually like me. It’s crazy how broken I become. I question everything. I trust nothing, so then I escape the “real world” and run to my safe place, my room and stay there until I’m healthier.
I suffer from seasonal depression; Seasonal affective disorder (SAD) is a type of depression that’s related to changes in seasons — SAD begins and ends at about the same times every year. If you’re like most people with SAD, your symptoms start in the fall and continue into the winter months, sapping your energy and making you feel moody. For some, they might just become “moody” but I am EXTREMELY moody. A few friends know that I’m a crier and sometimes I cry for no reason. I just feel the urge to cry. ALL THE TIME!
When I’m shacked up in my room, I evade all of my responsibilities and friends/family. I especially ignore everyone because I feel no one loves me and there have been a few times when I thought my closest friends hated me. Feeling like shit sucks!
I wrote this the other night, but I didn’t finish because it overwhelmed me with gloom.
“Is it just me?
IS ANYONE IN THIS WEIRD SPACE? Didn’t retrograde end last week or not?
I returned home this past Monday from New York and ever since I’ve been in a slump. But I’m not sure why. Initially, I became upset because I missed so much of my work over the weekend. Irresponsibly, I missed classes and two midterms because of getting my days mixed up. I came back home with the mindset of getting my shit together so I could be able to move to NYC, but fucked-up-ably, I messed up my life. I now have 3 C’s out of my 5 classes. OMG! If I don’t change that I’m kicked out, then what?? I can’t afford an L that big, but I have to do better. I just can’t shake this feeling that has come over me. I don’t want to work out, talk to people and do any of my assignments that are due.
To make matters worse, I’m eating the most unhealthy foods and I feel like I’ve gained 1000 pounds. So not only do I feel like shit, I look like shit, too. What are we going to do, Tarrion?”
I decided not to finish because I didn’t feel like acknowledging my honest feelings. I didn’t want to accept the fact that I’m not okay and that I feel like my life was falling apart. Since returning to New Orleans, I’ve been unhappy and sad. Honestly, I’ve had to MAKE myself, get up and do things that I really don’t feel like doing. After settling, I had to take adderall just to complete my work, and well to begin my work. I have limited my communication during this time and I’ve kept my phone on DND.
I’ve spent a lot of this time staying to myself, cuddling with Mel (my cat) when he feels like it. These past few mornings, I’ve tried to shake this darkness, but I just can’t. Every day, I have to put this face on and act as if I’m okay. I thought I was doing a decent job until my boss asked if I was okay and said I looked as if I wanted to cry. I did. Truly, I wanted to cry at that moment. It honestly made me feel worse because I felt exposed, when I was trying to my damn best to hide how I felt.
Acting okay makes me feel even worse because it requires so much energy. I haven’t been to the gym; I haven’t gone for a run or really done anything since being in this funk. Most of the time, I just want to lie in bed and cry. Unfortunately, I can’t afford to just cry and be sad all day. To put myself in a position to get up and leave my house, I have to start my morning with a prayer to God and the Ancestors, open my blinds and let the sun in, then recite/ repeat my morning mantras.
I just wanted to share a bit of myself with you all. You never know what someone is going through, no matter what they show or post on social media. Be kind to yourself, be patient and love yourself. If you’re able to seek therapy, please do. I see my therapist regularly and I damn sure can’t wait to see him this Friday.
October is “Depression Awareness Month” if you or anyone need access to resources visit, https://www.samhsa.gov/find-help/national-helpline.
— With love,