What did Yung Miami say? “They say yo 20’s are the best years of your life! So ima have a mf BALL!”
This is definitely not my mood these days and sadly, I won’t be able to get this time back. I have less than 5 years left in my 20s and I WANT TO LIVE!
If you read my last post, then you know that I’m experiencing depression, add crippling anxiety to that mix and yeah lol. These past several weeks have been horrible and detrimental to both my mental and physical health. Throughout this time I’ve gained weight, lived in filth and for a period, I didn’t even shower. If you judge or make fun of me, go to hell. This episode has been the worst since finding out that I suffer from seasonal depression. I feel guilty and like people hate me, I barely leave my room, let alone my house and my environment is filthy. Two weeks ago, Mel’s (my fur baby) kitty litter was so disgusting that there were gnats IN his litter.
Eventually, I believed everyone hated me, or I felt as if I did something to someone. I avoided my roomies because I thought they hated me and something kept telling me they were talking about me (sorry ya’ll). My room became my only safe space and so did Sims4. I racked up over 3500+ hours of playtime in Sims :/. But that was the only thing that made me feel great. I escaped from the real world.
What makes this episode worse is the fact that both my depression and anxiety have teamed up to break me down. My anxiety prevents me from doing MANY things. Whether they’re minor tasks, like dropping off a package to return to the UPS drop-box ACROSS THE STREET from my house, going to the grocery store to get groceries or getting my oil changed. It’s a challenge trying to do big/small things and the smallest things stresses and burns me out.
Just a few days ago, I returned from my trip to Houston and the dark cloud made its way back over my head. While away, I felt lighter, and I actually wanted to engage and interact with others. Those few days afforded me the energy to socialize and complete assignments. I felt well enough to heal and push further more. I am failing and will fail one of my NEEDED classes and will have to retake it. Of course, this just made me feel more like shit. Although my trip was only 6 days, I believe that those 6 days lit a small fire and has made me want to come out of this darkness more than before.
Recently, I quit my job; I didn’t want to, but I had to for the sake of not having a panic attack. I loved my job! It was easy, fun and I got paid weekly. Initially, I planned on putting in my two weeks, but there was too much going on, so I left. I was going to be fine with not getting paid for a week or two after leaving and getting my last check. After that check, I could pay my rent and budget the rest. Unfortunately, my former employer is withholding my check because she’s upset about me quitting. This absolutely fucks me up and annoys the fuck out of me and now there’s a possibility that I won’t be able to pay my portion of rent in the next 6 days. This only makes me even more stressed because give me my fucking money.
As if life isn’t hard of enough, my mental health has made it more difficult. Sometimes I wish I were “normal” and could be as seemingly happy as others. But, what is “normal”?
Existing is already challenging, but navigating my 20s has become tricky. Every day, I feel lost while even working towards my goals. I just feel like I’m not getting anywhere. Yes, I’ve had a bit of success in my career, academics and even blogging, but nothing is good enough. I’ll post a fire pic in a fit and make shit look great, but I was probably crying when I posted it. Don’t be fooled.
Last month, I flew out to New York City to shoot a video for my blog with a good friend. I was extremely happy about it and thankfully, that project was the only thing that brought me joy. While in NYC, I felt like I could conquer the world and do anything that I dreamt. But, that’s all it was, a dream. As soon as I returned home, I fell back into the darkness. I had plans for my next blog and didn’t write a thing! I also lost the concept and what exactly I wanted to write because I didn’t write it down.
Dating has become even harder. I already didn’t like anyone now, I really don’t have any interest in anything. After reading this, I’m sure there won’t be many people interested in me. Sorry, not sorry. When I experience any sadness, I always think about hitting up someone from my past and I hate it. I don’t want to run back to my past or ever feel so low that I feel like that’s what I deserve. It’s hard trying to fight against the voice in your head that’s telling you to do something you truly don’t want to do. I still do it, though :/.
Sadly, I’ll be 26 in 4 months. I have a little over 4 years to get my life together before my 30s. Sure, I see life being amazing before then, but right now it isn’t. There’s so much to do and see and I want to experience a happy/full life. Initially, I wanted to name this “20 Something’s” because I wanted to talk about life…. just not like this. But this is real life, my real life.
I’m sharing all of this because starting today, I’ll make it my purpose to do more each day. To keep pushing and striving to be and do better. Instead of harping on the negatives, I’ll be grateful for the positives and the things I have. I have a child to live for, nieces and nephews and everyone else that wants to see me be great.
Thanks for never judging me (I hope) and for being a part of my safe space.
WITH LOVE,
— Perplexxed.
Perplexxed. 