Closure.

“Honestly, the way you’ve made me feel..is that you’re not trying to really hang out with me beyond having sex with me. It’s made me feel shitty and empty inside. The sex has been horrible… with no connection nor excitement. That being said, I don’t want to drag this out any further. I would rather focus my energy on being alone or connecting with someone that values me as a whole person. Furthermore, I feel like every time I pull away you try to validate the fact that you have emotions/feelings for me and then it’s followed up by a bunch of bullshit. So, rather than going through the same pattern again .. I’d like to end things here on a cordial note.

I’m NOT enjoying this!”

**CRINGINGGGG** This is a note from my phone in Oct 2019. My therapist made me type this out to send to someone from my past. I didn’t plan on sharing this, but I saw it scrolling through my notes. Mistakenly, I deleted notes for a blog that I was supposed to post on Valentine’s. Although it applies to what I was writing about initially, it feels so strange reading this now. But, it adds to the *Why* I am the way I am.

Recently, I confided in a friend and shared that I was still heartbroken. This isn’t something that I’ve said out loud because it’s embarrassing. I truly thought I healed myself completely and got over things, but once I realized that was untrue, I acted as if I was okay even though I wasn’t. I didn’t want to admit to still being fucked up over something that I prematurely said that I was over. And it still affecting me bothers the fuckkkkk out of me.

My friend’s favorite thing to say is “Tarrion, you don’t like anyone” and they’re not entirely wrong. It’s not that I don’t like anyone, I just don’t like any of the men that try to talk to me. I’m often called dry, rude and sometimes I can be very closed off and not open to conversation. Sometimes I didn’t give a few people a chance at all. Of all the men that have approached me, there’s only been one that gave me a tingling feeling (lol). There was a spark, and it piqued my interest. I have felt nothing with anyone else and that’s probably why I kept going back to that person. Also, putting myself “out there” isn’t something that I enjoy doing.

Honestly, there aren’t many fish in the sea. Or maybe just my sea. It’s difficult forming attachments with new people. I find it hard to communicate and I have an even harder time finding something to like about them.If we’re being real, dudes aren’t applying any actual pressure. And, in my experience, we’re not looking for the same things and I usually dead it then.

It’s truly because I’m afraid of being hurt again. Because I am. I’m terrified. It wasn’t long ago when things ended and since then I’ve been giving these new niggas HELL. Many of them don’t deserve it, but I haven’t always been in the best space to express how I’ve felt. This has led to me being almost as toxic as my ex. Because when a guy confronts me about a problem or situation, I resort to lying or acting confused instead of saying “xyz”.

You all are familiar with FOMO, right? I have relationship FOMO sometimes. But not in the way you’re probably thinking. If I’m being honest, sometimes I want to be loved by someone romantically. Then, I out snap out of those thoughts/feelings. I don’t know if I’m weird or if it’s a kink, but I rarely like someone until they’re seriously dating, in a relationship with someone else, or are far away. Sadly, I think I like these things because then I know things won’t become serious if they really like that other person. It’s easier to keep them in a “friendlier” zone. I especially prefer long-distance dating.

In reality, it offers me a sense of safety because I keep people at an arm’s distance. It’s a defense mechanism that I’ve identified. I know I’m worthy of more, but I’m not ready for anything too serious. As someone who’s been cheated on, I know that it’s not right to the person they’re dating. Also, getting to know new people isn’t something that I really want to do; dating is extremely tiring! 

This stems from not sharing all the things that I went through during the time I was with that person. I was hurt deeply, and that has affected how I view relationships and how I treat people wanting to get to know me. Still trying to process and accept the hurtful things I experienced while also working on letting those things go. I don’t want to be called “damaged” or anything along the lines. I’m just someone that’s trying to accept, let go, and heal. Finding closure by allowing time to heal all.

WITH LOVE,

—Perplexxed.