Tarrion & the City: “From City Boy to Celibentcy”

EP 2.

Living in the vibrant city of New York as a 27-year-old professional is an adventure in itself. From the hustle and bustle of daily life to the excitement of exploring new experiences, this concrete jungle offers a unique backdrop for love and self-discovery. In this post, I want to share my personal journey, delving into the effects of dating out of boredom, grappling with self-confidence, celiBentcy and questioning how it has shaped my view of relationships.

In a city as lively as New York, it’s easy to fall into the trap of dating out of sheer boredom. The constant stimulation and influx of options can lead to a mindset where relationships become disposable, and the thrill of novelty often takes precedence over genuine emotional connections. I found myself swiping through dating apps, going on countless dates, and trying to fill the void of boredom with temporary companionship.

Admittedly, I have entertained the idea of being a “whore” by dating around without any intention of establishing deeper connections. The thrill of meeting new people and the excitement of temporary companionship seemed enticing at first. However, as time went on, I realized that this approach was gradually eroding my self-confidence. Engaging in shallow encounters left me questioning my own worth and longing for something more substantial.

On the last T&TC, I talked about ending things with my sex buddy, but that didn’t last because we had sex a couple of weeks after I posted that. I just wanted to see if I could actually have this relationship (again) after truly knowing that I couldn’t, but I still did it again. I left his house crying! Not because of anything he did, but just because of how I felt. I felt disgusted in my body and with myself. I felt emptied. I FaceTimed my friend while in the car on the way home and I feel like I expressed how I felt, but not really. I didn’t have the words to truly verbalize my feelings. I just felt nasty.

Engaging in a series of superficial connections can gradually erode our self-esteem. The cycle of meeting new people, engaging in conversations that lacked depth, and never truly feeling a genuine connection left me feeling empty. It became clear that I needed to step back, take time for self-reflection, and rebuild the confidence that had been compromised by dating out of boredom. It’s during these moments that I begin to question my own value and wonder if something is inherently wrong with me.

While the dating experiences might have left me questioning my self-perception, I have come to realize that this journey has also been an invaluable lesson in self-discovery. It has forced me to confront my own vulnerabilities, reassess my priorities, and cultivate a stronger sense of self-worth. Through introspection and self-reflection, I’ve learned the importance of setting intentions, being honest with myself, and seeking meaningful connections that align with my values.

CeliBent—a term I coined to represent my commitment to no longer talking to men, dating men, or engaging in sexual relationships with men—became a transformative journey of self-rediscovery. By consciously removing myself from the dating landscape, I created space for self-reflection, introspection, and personal growth. This period of solitude allowed me to reconnect with my own needs, desires, and aspirations without external distractions.

We live in a society that glorifies constant companionship and perpetuates the idea that being single is somehow inadequate. Seeking validation and connection, I found myself falling into the trap of dating out of boredom. I was driven by the fear of missing out, hoping that these encounters would fill the void in my life. However, I soon realized that this approach was chipping away at my self-confidence rather than nourishing it.

During my celiBent journey, I rediscovered the importance of self-love and self-acceptance. It provided an opportunity to reevaluate my values, priorities, and goals outside the realm of romantic relationships. By redirecting my focus inward, I was able to cultivate a stronger sense of self-worth and redefine my understanding of what it means to be fulfilled and confident.

Embracing celiBentcy has been a powerful and liberating experience. It served as a much-needed reset button, giving me the opportunity to heal, grow, and rebuild my self-confidence. By intentionally creating space to reconnect with myself, I gained a newfound appreciation for my own worth, strength, and resilience.

*I lifted my celiBentcy ban two weeks ago but we’ll get into that later lol*

With Love —

Perplexxed <3.


*There’s something about being 30,000+ feet in the air and writing*

In many ways, Nola is a city of firsts for me. First love, first heartbreak, first heart attack, first award, etc. It’s a powerful thing when a place becomes the center of our emotions, both good and bad. For some, New Orleans is a city that holds memories of joy, laughter, and celebration. But for others, it’s a place of pain and heartbreak, a city that’s etched with the scars of past experiences.

It’s not easy to hold the pain and the joy of discovery in the same space. But perhaps that’s part of what makes New Orleans so powerful – it’s a city that can hold both the light and dark of our emotions, and help us make sense of them in a way that feels authentic and true.

I spent the last 9 days in New Orleans. My home away from home. I moved from Nola to Houston last year on my 26th birthday. I left severely depressed and harbored a lot of pain in my heart. 

Initially, I was only visiting for 5 days then I moved my flight up two days sooner and thennn I moved my flight up another 3 days and took time off from work. I was really excited to see my best friends and spend time with them, but I was also apprehensive about returning to a place that housed many of my darkest moments. 

I thought this trip would have been the longest few days of my life because I hate being away from home and sleeping in someone else’s bed. However, this trip happened to be just what I needed. I could have flown to an island or been on a beach, but the amount of peace gained was unmatched. It had nothing to do with the location but everything to do with the amount of love I received. 

I went down to see my best friends and celebrate one of their birthdays and I sort of made it my bday trip too. Though it was supposed to be a time of celebration, it became a moment of reflection. This trip provided me with the opportunity to be still and really sit with new things and let go of old and harbored feelings of sadness.

My birthday is this Sunday and I’ll be 27 *yay*. I should be happy, right? Really happy! With so much newness and changes of residence I should be excited about this birthday, right? Instead, I feel apathetic. Not happy or sad. I just feel like blah.

As another year goes by and you find yourself facing another birthday, it’s natural to take stock of where you are in life. For some, birthdays are a time of celebration and excitement, a chance to mark another trip around the sun with joy and gratitude. But for others, birthdays can be a time of reflection, even sadness, as they grapple with the passage of time and the uncertainty of the future.

Last year, for the 7 months that I spent in Houston, I experienced extreme depression, but no matter how bad I felt, I kept showing up. I was still productive, work was still turned in on time, projects were completed on time. Because I understood that If I worked on what I could control in life, everything would work out for me.

I had A LOT of time while living with my parents. It was really hard finding a job in my field and eventually I settled and served at a restaurant for about 3 weeks before quitting. I then used that extra free time to pick up more freelance gigs and work on my own personal projects. Every day, I continued to show up for myself and do what needed to be done while manifesting and praying for some sort of breakthrough. I rode my bike every day for several miles, playing music that raised my vibrations and brought me peace as I was manifesting something new. 

September came around and I felt like my life changed overnight. My hard work started to pay off. I started to get interviews at companies that I was really interested in working for. Then, my current role opened up, and I had the opportunity to interview for the position and got hired that same day, skipping the several rounds that were supposed to follow. And That’s when things began to move too fast and I couldn’t keep up with the new changes. I got hired, and I had to move to NYC in three weeks in order to start.

Idk if the Ancestors finally were tired of me crying and whining and finally decided to help, but soon things began to work out in my favor and I felt like I was in alignment with all that was for me. Everything just happened. I really don’t know how, but it did.

As I turn 27, I find myself in a unique position. I’ve recently moved to New York City, a place that represents a whole new chapter in my life. It’s a city that’s full of energy, excitement, and endless possibilities. I’m living out my wildest dreams, making new friends, exploring new neighborhoods, and soaking up all the culture and opportunity that the city has to offer.

And yet, despite all of this, I can’t help but feel a sense of unease. I’m not a teenager anymore, and I’m starting to feel the weight of responsibility and expectation that comes with adulthood. Sometimes I wonder if I’m on the right path, if I’m making the most of my life, if I’m doing enough to achieve my goals and fulfill my potential.

These feelings are not uncommon, especially for those who are navigating major life changes, like moving to a new city. It’s natural to feel a sense of loss or uncertainty as you leave behind the familiar and step into the unknown. But it’s important to remember that these feelings don’t define you, and they don’t have to control your experience.

Ultimately, your birthday is a chance to celebrate the person you are and the person you’re becoming. It’s a time to honor the journey that has brought you to this point, and to look forward with hope and excitement to the adventures that lie ahead. So embrace the birthday blues, but don’t let them hold you back. 

*It’s important to remember that breakthroughs like this don’t happen overnight. It’s the result of months or even years of hard work, dedication, and perseverance. And even when things seem to be going against you, it’s important to keep pushing forward and staying focused on your goals.

My story is a reminder that sometimes, even when we can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel, keep moving forward and have faith that things will eventually work out. Life is full of ups and downs, but it’s how we navigate those ups and downs that define who we are and what we’re capable of achieving. So, keep showing up, keep working hard, and trust that the universe will conspire to bring you the breakthrough that you’ve been waiting for.*

With ALL of my love —


Tarrion and the City.

EP 1.

If you keep up with my social media, then you’d know that I moved to NYC 2 months ago. And if you’re in my close friends, then you’d also know just how crazy my life has been since living here.

My friends often make the joke or compare my life to Sex and the City and there might be some truth to it. Similarly, I’m a writer. I’m young and I’m in the streets. I’ve been living my best Carrie Bradshaw- esque life and I’ve already learned so much about dating, work/life balance and friendship.

I went on my first date my second week living here and I’ve been going on dates until last week. I’ve met some wonderful men, but none of them are interesting… enough. Yet, they are great people, just not my people. Doctors, lawyers, writers, finance, tech bros and all the other exciting stuff.

One evening I had 3 dates in the same night, all planned near each other, and luckily I made it to all three. Even though one was a 50min commute on the train, I ran late to the last two because they were further apart. On another night I had to leave a date early because one guy was waiting outside of my house while I was deep in Manhattan (I live in Brooklyn).

I moved here with the spirit of trying new things and stepping out of my comfort zone. So much so, I tried something new and had a casual relationship. I met this guy on Tinder, we had a pleasant chat and initially were looking for the same thing. Basically we agreed on mutual expectations, so I gave it a go. However, it lasted a week because, honestly, the hookup thing isn’t for me.

The first time we hung out, we spent an hour talking and getting to know each other and next thing you know… my pants were around my ankles :/. I didn’t plan on that happening because we were just supposed to be chilling, but one thing led to another. It’s been two years since the last time I’ve been physical with someone and I was mad nervous.

Was it enjoyable? Absolutely! I used to talk about my last partner and complain to my friends about it lasting 7 minutes. I used to PRAYYYY to the ancestors and ask that my next partner would last longer and I guess they heard me because after 25 minutes … I was asking them to help him finish ;/. It was just too much for too long! It was fun and it felt good, but I was getting tired.

The next time we had sex I didn’t really want to but I was prepared for it. We were watching the new Matilda on Netflix, then boom :). We stopped after a few minutes because neither of us were in the mood to do it. So instead we were sitting on his couch, naked, having a little heart to heart.

I expressed that this whole “hook-up” thing is really new to me, and as much as I would like to enjoy it, I don’t. It wasn’t an odd or difficult conversation, but I was clear about not wanting to do this again. He was really cool and very attractive, but I didn’t like him. There wasn’t much to find interesting about him because before this heart to heart, we didn’t talk about much. We just planned days to link and did what grown people do. That was it.

I thought I was missing something, and I was low-key jealous of my friends and their casual relationships because it seemed fun. I don’t know if I felt like I was missing out on attention or relationships. But now I know for a FACT that I don’t want this and it feels so good to be okay with not doing what everyone else is doing.

And I’ve yet to have a “hoe” phase. I’ve only been intimate with one person and I although I’ve entertained the idea of casually hooking up, I was afraid of judgment. From others and myself. I just kind of lived through others and their experiences because I didn’t have the guts to get out there and do it myself. Until now (lol).

Honestly, things started to click and make sense in my head while talking to him. This wasn’t enough for me. After conquering a new challenge in my dating life, I ordered my car and headed home. I felt free, powerful, and I had this great sense of confidence.

I had a top 3 but I’ve cut everyone off because I really just want to focus on me. I’m not on any apps and I don’t plan on meeting people through the phone. Only in person. It’s been two fun months of running around, but I’m TIRED. I don’t want a man right now. But if I did, I would want more. Also, I don’t even think I like men, but that’s another story.

Happy New Year! Also, Perplexxed made 3 years on the first!!!

With Love ––



I moved to New York City a month ago. And although it has been really fun, I’ve had to hear about the messy, bitter old bitches back home.

My father and my two older brothers. 

Last month, there were two features published about me, and in one I specifically mentioned rape. The significance of sharing that was to emphasize my openness with my readers. Because I am at my most vulnerable and honest when writing on my blog.

I highlighted the blog “Me, Too” in the feature and hours later my views were up for that post. The post is two years old and has been read thousands of times. I didn’t think anything about it when mentioning it because the story has been out.

That particular event is a slight moment in my beautiful life. A moment that I’ve not allowed to control or change how I treat people, how I love people and my ability to create relationships with new people. I haven’t let it define me and until I posted that story on my blog, I never told or talked about it with anyone.

My mom found out 5 minutes before posting it and I did that only because I know she reads my blogs. I don’t feel any way about it. Me sharing my truth allowed other people to confide in me. People from around the world with similar situations who’ve shared their lives’ experiences with someone they’ve never met. I created a space for others to feel seen and be safe. Because contrary to popular belief, men and boys are raped and sexually assaulted too.

Anywho… Can’t say the same for my father and brothers. Instead of my “family” reaching out to me, they chose to confront my mom because she didn’t tell them. Thomas Sr. expected my mom to tell him, although they don’t talk, and I’ve had several conversations with my father about boundaries and staying out of my business. Even though he doesn’t respect it or me, my mom does. I don’t have the same relationships with both of my parents. I don’t talk to my dad.

My older brothers are homophobic and while it doesn’t bother me most of the times. I just find it weird that I’m always a topic of discussion. I think they want to be me. They’re obsessed with me and my life. Unfortunately for them, they’re stuck in their lives. I think the biggest issue besides my sexuality is me being the “reason” for my parents’ divorce. Because to them, their father cheating on their mom was not enough for her to divorce him. I’m the reason for their father’s pain and suffering. I’m the reason that their lives are no longer the same. ME!

Yesterday, my brother decided to go on a diatribe about me and a traumatic event that I experienced in front of people who were not privy to that information. Exposing my YOUNG nieces and nephew to my personal business, making fun of rape in front of CHILDREN and my brother-in-law. Not liking me is one thing, but I feel like it’s a lot more than dislike. These people realllllllly hate me! Mainly, my oldest brother.

They can’t stand to see me happy, thriving and living my best life while they’re home being miserable. I get to wake up every morning and LIVE MY DREAMS while they have to do what they HAVE to do and not what they WANT to do. I would be mad if I was y’all too :/.

You three don’t ever have to worry about me. There is never a need for us to speak. You three no longer have any space in my life.

Now go on and share this post too🤧.

Rolling With The Punches.

Everyone has bad days. Unless you’re a robot or a saint, it’s almost inevitable that you’ll eventually have to deal with some sort of setback. Maybe your car breaks down, or maybe you fail an important test. Or maybe, just maybe, you find out that your significant other has been cheating on you for the past six months.

There are about a million different ways for things to go wrong in life, and we all have to figure out how to deal with it when they do. That’s where the idea of “rolling with the punches” comes into play. There will be moments in life when things do not go your way. And when those moments arise, it’s essential that you know how to cope with them effectively.

When you’ve had a setback, it can feel like the world is against you. Maybe you’re not graduating when expected, or maybe you fell out with your best friend. In any case, when things go bad, it’s natural to feel discouraged and want to give up—but bouncing back from failure is one of the most important things we can do in life.

Why? Because resilience is an essential part of success! The ability to recover from failure shows that we have strength and character that will help us overcome challenges in other areas of our lives, too. We learn from our mistakes and are better prepared for future challenges because we know how hard it was for us before we were able to recover from them successfully. And as I mentioned earlier, bouncing back just feels good! When life throws us curveballs (and they always do), it helps us stay positive by reminding us that everything works out eventually—even if there are some bumps along the way.

Sometimes life hits you with a punch.

And you don’t know how to handle it.

You can’t talk to your friends about it because they’ll just say “it’s okay” and “everything happens for a reason.” And maybe that’s true, but what if it’s not? What if it feels like your life is falling apart and there’s nothing you can do about it?

It’s okay to not be okay. You don’t have to pretend like everything is fine when it isn’t. You’re allowed to feel whatever you’re feeling at the moment. You’re allowed to seek help from others who have gone through similar experiences as yourself.

The only thing that will make this moment better is time—and even then, there will always be moments when you feel like nothing has changed at all. That’s why I believe in this quote so much: “When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.” It doesn’t matter what kind of lemons life gives you—whether they are sour or sweet—you can still make something good out of them!

Everyone makes mistakes. That’s just a fact, and it’s one you can’t control. We often beat ourselves up for things that happened in the past; it could be something as minor as simple miscommunication, or something more serious, like getting into a physical altercation.

There’s a lot to be learned from mistakes. You can’t always be perfect, but you can learn from your failures and put that knowledge into practice the next time you face a similar situation. In the heat of the moment, we might make a hasty decision or say something that we don’t really mean, and that’s okay. Not everyone practices self-control in heated situations. Learning how to avoid making the same mistake twice is one of the best lessons we can take away from our mistakes. Knowing our limits is also crucial.

One of the best ways to learn from our mistakes is to be honest with ourselves about what happened and why. If we’re not honest with ourselves, then it’ll be hard for us to figure out what went wrong and how we could have done things differently. It is also okay to accept the fact that you fucked up. Don’t be too scared or so immature that you don’t accept fault or blame. We’re human.

Give yourself permission to feel whatever you’re feeling, even if that means anger, sadness, or frustration. When you’re going through a hard time, it can be easy to get caught up in the negative feelings and doubt yourself. You might feel like you’ll never get out of the hole you’ve found yourself in, or that your situation is so bad that there’s no way out.

As you’re getting over a rough time, it’s important to give yourself time to heal. Don’t rush through the process. Don’t try to pretend like nothing happened and don’t be hard on yourself. Try being gentle with yourself by taking things one day at a time, give yourself the time and space to figure how to navigate through the situation.

Take time to heal after an enormous loss or disappointment—you’ll get back on track more quickly if you give yourself some space to process. This has been my experience for the last few months. I’ve had to accept my reality, reset, and restructure. It may not always be easy, but try embracing kindness and self-compassion as much as possible (especially when things aren’t going your way). Remember that everyone goes through hard times at some point in life—but we can all help each other by supporting one another through those tough times!

With Love—

Perplexxed <3.