I moved to New York City a month ago. And although it has been really fun, I’ve had to hear about the messy, bitter old bitches back home.

My father and my two older brothers. 

Last month, there were two features published about me, and in one I specifically mentioned rape. The significance of sharing that was to emphasize my openness with my readers. Because I am at my most vulnerable and honest when writing on my blog.

I highlighted the blog “Me, Too” in the feature and hours later my views were up for that post. The post is two years old and has been read thousands of times. I didn’t think anything about it when mentioning it because the story has been out.

That particular event is a slight moment in my beautiful life. A moment that I’ve not allowed to control or change how I treat people, how I love people and my ability to create relationships with new people. I haven’t let it define me and until I posted that story on my blog, I never told or talked about it with anyone.

My mom found out 5 minutes before posting it and I did that only because I know she reads my blogs. I don’t feel any way about it. Me sharing my truth allowed other people to confide in me. People from around the world with similar situations who’ve shared their lives’ experiences with someone they’ve never met. I created a space for others to feel seen and be safe. Because contrary to popular belief, men and boys are raped and sexually assaulted too.

Anywho… Can’t say the same for my father and brothers. Instead of my “family” reaching out to me, they chose to confront my mom because she didn’t tell them. Thomas Sr. expected my mom to tell him, although they don’t talk, and I’ve had several conversations with my father about boundaries and staying out of my business. Even though he doesn’t respect it or me, my mom does. I don’t have the same relationships with both of my parents. I don’t talk to my dad.

My older brothers are homophobic and while it doesn’t bother me most of the times. I just find it weird that I’m always a topic of discussion. I think they want to be me. They’re obsessed with me and my life. Unfortunately for them, they’re stuck in their lives. I think the biggest issue besides my sexuality is me being the “reason” for my parents’ divorce. Because to them, their father cheating on their mom was not enough for her to divorce him. I’m the reason for their father’s pain and suffering. I’m the reason that their lives are no longer the same. ME!

Yesterday, my brother decided to go on a diatribe about me and a traumatic event that I experienced in front of people who were not privy to that information. Exposing my YOUNG nieces and nephew to my personal business, making fun of rape in front of CHILDREN and my brother-in-law. Not liking me is one thing, but I feel like it’s a lot more than dislike. These people realllllllly hate me! Mainly, my oldest brother.

They can’t stand to see me happy, thriving and living my best life while they’re home being miserable. I get to wake up every morning and LIVE MY DREAMS while they have to do what they HAVE to do and not what they WANT to do. I would be mad if I was y’all too :/.

You three don’t ever have to worry about me. There is never a need for us to speak. You three no longer have any space in my life.

Now go on and share this post too🤧.

Living in Fear?

Are you often afraid of something? Do you find yourself avoiding activities or people that make you feel nervous? Perhaps you’re even reluctant to take risks because of your fears. It’s completely natural to be afraid from time to time, but when fear affects every part of your life and lasts for extended periods of time, it may be time to do something about it. Fear is not a bad thing – in fact, it’s a sign that you are aware of the potential danger in a certain situation. However, having an excess amount of fear can prevent you from living your life to the fullest and keep you from achieving your greatest potential. Fear comes in many forms: There is the fear of failure, which stops most people from trying new things; there is also the fear of rejection, which makes many people shy away from romantic relationships; and there is the fear of taking on too much stress, which prevents people from taking on new projects or promotions at work. If left unchecked, these fears can significantly limit what we are able to achieve in our lives. Fortunately, by challenging your fears instead of letting them control you, you can shift your perspective and move forward with confidence.

Talk to People Who Comfort and Inspire You

If you’re struggling with fear, talk to people who have been through similar situations and can reassure you that everything will be okay. This can be difficult if you don’t have many close relationships, so consider joining a club, taking a class, or volunteering where you will meet new people who can support you through your struggles. Talk to your friends and family members about what you are going through. They may not fully understand your fears, but sharing your worries with loved ones can help you put things into perspective and make you feel less alone.

Remember That You Are in Control

As scary as it may be, remember that you are in control of your thoughts and feelings. We have the power to choose how we react to situations, even if they are nerve-wracking. No one can make you feel a certain way unless you allow them to. As you become more aware of your fears, you can also become more aware of the thoughts that lead to these feelings. Once you recognize what your fears are based on and where they come from, you can begin to change your perspective. You can learn to use your rational thoughts to come to your senses when you feel like you are losing control.

Challenge Your Scariest Fears

Take some time to think about the fears that cause you the most stress. What topics make you feel the most anxious? What situations make you want to hide in a corner? When you know what your scariest fears are, you can start to challenge them. For example, let’s say you’re afraid of public speaking. To challenge this fear, start by talking to people who will support you and help you feel more comfortable. Find a mentor who has more experience public speaking.

Take Small Steps Towards Your Bigger Goals

Whether you are trying to overcome a fear or pursue a life-changing goal, it is best to tackle things in small, manageable steps. When you try to take on too much at once, you risk becoming overwhelmed, frustrated, and overwhelmed. Taking small steps will allow you to progress towards your dreams at a comfortable pace, which can help you to reduce stress and anxiety. For example, if you have always wanted to pursue a certain degree but are worried that you’re not smart enough, consider taking a class or two at a local college before making the full-time commitment.

Practice Being Comfortable Again

As you challenge your scariest fears and take steps towards achieving your goals, you may notice that your anxiety levels gradually decrease. However, if your fears continue to rule your life, you can try the following methods to help you relax: – Create an environment that comforts you – Have a special place that you can go to whenever you feel stressed or anxious. This could be a room in your house, a garden, or a park bench where you know you will feel safe and comfortable. – Practice meditation – If you’ve never meditated before, you may think that this is just for people who want to clear their minds of all thoughts. In reality, meditation is perfect for people who are too hyperactive or cannot stop fidgeting. – Go for a walk – Exercise has been proven to help reduce stress levels, so walk around your neighborhood or go for a jog if you are able to. – Listen to music – Music is a great way to relax your mind and body. – Eat healthy – Make sure that you are eating healthy foods, as this can also help you to relax.


Fear doesn’t have to control your life. By challenging your scariest fears and taking steps to reduce your anxiety, you can reduce the impact that fear has on your daily life. By being aware of your fears, you can gain the power to choose how you react to situations, which can help you to overcome your fears and move forward with confidence. Remember, the only way to move past your fears is by facing them head on. Take small steps towards your goals and challenge your scariest fears. With time, you will be able to let go of your fears and live the life you’ve always wanted.

With love, — Perplexxed.

20 Something’s

What did Yung Miami say? “They say yo 20’s are the best years of your life! So ima have a mf BALL!”

This is definitely not my mood these days and sadly, I won’t be able to get this time back. I have less than 5 years left in my 20s and I WANT TO LIVE!

If you read my last post, then you know that I’m experiencing depression, add crippling anxiety to that mix and yeah lol. These past several weeks have been horrible and detrimental to both my mental and physical health. Throughout this time I’ve gained weight, lived in filth and for a period, I didn’t even shower. If you judge or make fun of me, go to hell. This episode has been the worst since finding out that I suffer from seasonal depression. I feel guilty and like people hate me, I barely leave my room, let alone my house and my environment is filthy. Two weeks ago, Mel’s (my fur baby) kitty litter was so disgusting that there were gnats IN his litter.

Eventually, I believed everyone hated me, or I felt as if I did something to someone. I avoided my roomies because I thought they hated me and something kept telling me they were talking about me (sorry ya’ll). My room became my only safe space and so did Sims4. I racked up over 3500+ hours of playtime in Sims :/. But that was the only thing that made me feel great. I escaped from the real world.

What makes this episode worse is the fact that both my depression and anxiety have teamed up to break me down. My anxiety prevents me from doing MANY things. Whether they’re minor tasks, like dropping off a package to return to the UPS drop-box ACROSS THE STREET from my house, going to the grocery store to get groceries or getting my oil changed. It’s a challenge trying to do big/small things and the smallest things stresses and burns me out.

Just a few days ago, I returned from my trip to Houston and the dark cloud made its way back over my head. While away, I felt lighter, and I actually wanted to engage and interact with others. Those few days afforded me the energy to socialize and complete assignments. I felt well enough to heal and push further more. I am failing and will fail one of my NEEDED classes and will have to retake it. Of course, this just made me feel more like shit. Although my trip was only 6 days, I believe that those 6 days lit a small fire and has made me want to come out of this darkness more than before.

Recently, I quit my job; I didn’t want to, but I had to for the sake of not having a panic attack. I loved my job! It was easy, fun and I got paid weekly. Initially, I planned on putting in my two weeks, but there was too much going on, so I left. I was going to be fine with not getting paid for a week or two after leaving and getting my last check. After that check, I could pay my rent and budget the rest. Unfortunately, my former employer is withholding my check because she’s upset about me quitting. This absolutely fucks me up and annoys the fuck out of me and now there’s a possibility that I won’t be able to pay my portion of rent in the next 6 days. This only makes me even more stressed because give me my fucking money.

As if life isn’t hard of enough, my mental health has made it more difficult. Sometimes I wish I were “normal” and could be as seemingly happy as others. But, what is “normal”?

Existing is already challenging, but navigating my 20s has become tricky. Every day, I feel lost while even working towards my goals. I just feel like I’m not getting anywhere. Yes, I’ve had a bit of success in my career, academics and even blogging, but nothing is good enough. I’ll post a fire pic in a fit and make shit look great, but I was probably crying when I posted it. Don’t be fooled.

Last month, I flew out to New York City to shoot a video for my blog with a good friend. I was extremely happy about it and thankfully, that project was the only thing that brought me joy. While in NYC, I felt like I could conquer the world and do anything that I dreamt. But, that’s all it was, a dream. As soon as I returned home, I fell back into the darkness. I had plans for my next blog and didn’t write a thing! I also lost the concept and what exactly I wanted to write because I didn’t write it down.

Dating has become even harder. I already didn’t like anyone now, I really don’t have any interest in anything. After reading this, I’m sure there won’t be many people interested in me. Sorry, not sorry. When I experience any sadness, I always think about hitting up someone from my past and I hate it. I don’t want to run back to my past or ever feel so low that I feel like that’s what I deserve. It’s hard trying to fight against the voice in your head that’s telling you to do something you truly don’t want to do. I still do it, though :/.

Sadly, I’ll be 26 in 4 months. I have a little over 4 years to get my life together before my 30s. Sure, I see life being amazing before then, but right now it isn’t. There’s so much to do and see and I want to experience a happy/full life. Initially, I wanted to name this “20 Something’s” because I wanted to talk about life…. just not like this. But this is real life, my real life.

I’m sharing all of this because starting today, I’ll make it my purpose to do more each day. To keep pushing and striving to be and do better. Instead of harping on the negatives, I’ll be grateful for the positives and the things I have. I have a child to live for, nieces and nephews and everyone else that wants to see me be great.

Thanks for never judging me (I hope) and for being a part of my safe space.


— Perplexxed.