OBSESSED.

I moved to New York City a month ago. And although it has been really fun, I’ve had to hear about the messy, bitter old bitches back home.

My father and my two older brothers. 

Last month, there were two features published about me, and in one I specifically mentioned rape. The significance of sharing that was to emphasize my openness with my readers. Because I am at my most vulnerable and honest when writing on my blog.

I highlighted the blog “Me, Too” in the feature and hours later my views were up for that post. The post is two years old and has been read thousands of times. I didn’t think anything about it when mentioning it because the story has been out.

That particular event is a slight moment in my beautiful life. A moment that I’ve not allowed to control or change how I treat people, how I love people and my ability to create relationships with new people. I haven’t let it define me and until I posted that story on my blog, I never told or talked about it with anyone.

My mom found out 5 minutes before posting it and I did that only because I know she reads my blogs. I don’t feel any way about it. Me sharing my truth allowed other people to confide in me. People from around the world with similar situations who’ve shared their lives’ experiences with someone they’ve never met. I created a space for others to feel seen and be safe. Because contrary to popular belief, men and boys are raped and sexually assaulted too.

Anywho… Can’t say the same for my father and brothers. Instead of my “family” reaching out to me, they chose to confront my mom because she didn’t tell them. Thomas Sr. expected my mom to tell him, although they don’t talk, and I’ve had several conversations with my father about boundaries and staying out of my business. Even though he doesn’t respect it or me, my mom does. I don’t have the same relationships with both of my parents. I don’t talk to my dad.

My older brothers are homophobic and while it doesn’t bother me most of the times. I just find it weird that I’m always a topic of discussion. I think they want to be me. They’re obsessed with me and my life. Unfortunately for them, they’re stuck in their lives. I think the biggest issue besides my sexuality is me being the “reason” for my parents’ divorce. Because to them, their father cheating on their mom was not enough for her to divorce him. I’m the reason for their father’s pain and suffering. I’m the reason that their lives are no longer the same. ME!

Yesterday, my brother decided to go on a diatribe about me and a traumatic event that I experienced in front of people who were not privy to that information. Exposing my YOUNG nieces and nephew to my personal business, making fun of rape in front of CHILDREN and my brother-in-law. Not liking me is one thing, but I feel like it’s a lot more than dislike. These people realllllllly hate me! Mainly, my oldest brother.

They can’t stand to see me happy, thriving and living my best life while they’re home being miserable. I get to wake up every morning and LIVE MY DREAMS while they have to do what they HAVE to do and not what they WANT to do. I would be mad if I was y’all too :/.

You three don’t ever have to worry about me. There is never a need for us to speak. You three no longer have any space in my life.

Now go on and share this post too🤧.

Rolling With The Punches.

Everyone has bad days. Unless you’re a robot or a saint, it’s almost inevitable that you’ll eventually have to deal with some sort of setback. Maybe your car breaks down, or maybe you fail an important test. Or maybe, just maybe, you find out that your significant other has been cheating on you for the past six months.

There are about a million different ways for things to go wrong in life, and we all have to figure out how to deal with it when they do. That’s where the idea of “rolling with the punches” comes into play. There will be moments in life when things do not go your way. And when those moments arise, it’s essential that you know how to cope with them effectively.

When you’ve had a setback, it can feel like the world is against you. Maybe you’re not graduating when expected, or maybe you fell out with your best friend. In any case, when things go bad, it’s natural to feel discouraged and want to give up—but bouncing back from failure is one of the most important things we can do in life.

Why? Because resilience is an essential part of success! The ability to recover from failure shows that we have strength and character that will help us overcome challenges in other areas of our lives, too. We learn from our mistakes and are better prepared for future challenges because we know how hard it was for us before we were able to recover from them successfully. And as I mentioned earlier, bouncing back just feels good! When life throws us curveballs (and they always do), it helps us stay positive by reminding us that everything works out eventually—even if there are some bumps along the way.

Sometimes life hits you with a punch.

And you don’t know how to handle it.

You can’t talk to your friends about it because they’ll just say “it’s okay” and “everything happens for a reason.” And maybe that’s true, but what if it’s not? What if it feels like your life is falling apart and there’s nothing you can do about it?

It’s okay to not be okay. You don’t have to pretend like everything is fine when it isn’t. You’re allowed to feel whatever you’re feeling at the moment. You’re allowed to seek help from others who have gone through similar experiences as yourself.

The only thing that will make this moment better is time—and even then, there will always be moments when you feel like nothing has changed at all. That’s why I believe in this quote so much: “When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.” It doesn’t matter what kind of lemons life gives you—whether they are sour or sweet—you can still make something good out of them!

Everyone makes mistakes. That’s just a fact, and it’s one you can’t control. We often beat ourselves up for things that happened in the past; it could be something as minor as simple miscommunication, or something more serious, like getting into a physical altercation.

There’s a lot to be learned from mistakes. You can’t always be perfect, but you can learn from your failures and put that knowledge into practice the next time you face a similar situation. In the heat of the moment, we might make a hasty decision or say something that we don’t really mean, and that’s okay. Not everyone practices self-control in heated situations. Learning how to avoid making the same mistake twice is one of the best lessons we can take away from our mistakes. Knowing our limits is also crucial.

One of the best ways to learn from our mistakes is to be honest with ourselves about what happened and why. If we’re not honest with ourselves, then it’ll be hard for us to figure out what went wrong and how we could have done things differently. It is also okay to accept the fact that you fucked up. Don’t be too scared or so immature that you don’t accept fault or blame. We’re human.

Give yourself permission to feel whatever you’re feeling, even if that means anger, sadness, or frustration. When you’re going through a hard time, it can be easy to get caught up in the negative feelings and doubt yourself. You might feel like you’ll never get out of the hole you’ve found yourself in, or that your situation is so bad that there’s no way out.

As you’re getting over a rough time, it’s important to give yourself time to heal. Don’t rush through the process. Don’t try to pretend like nothing happened and don’t be hard on yourself. Try being gentle with yourself by taking things one day at a time, give yourself the time and space to figure how to navigate through the situation.

Take time to heal after an enormous loss or disappointment—you’ll get back on track more quickly if you give yourself some space to process. This has been my experience for the last few months. I’ve had to accept my reality, reset, and restructure. It may not always be easy, but try embracing kindness and self-compassion as much as possible (especially when things aren’t going your way). Remember that everyone goes through hard times at some point in life—but we can all help each other by supporting one another through those tough times!

With Love—

Perplexxed <3.

Coasting.

When we’re kids, the world is a giant playground, an amusement park filled with fun and excitement. Life is a rollercoaster ride that has its ups, downs, twists and turns. As we get older, the thrill of going on a rollercoaster slowly starts to fade away. We start to take things seriously and think about our future more than anything else in life. It’s like climbing up that hill as an adult; it’s slow going, almost too slow at times. But when you’re stuck in the same place for too long, everything starts to look the same. And so at some point in your life you have to ask yourself: Is this it? Do I have to settle for this small rollercoaster ride? Because there are other people who don’t seem afraid to take chances on new adventures. So what do you do? You coast — or at least attempt to coast — until something awesome comes along again.

Fear is an emotion that holds us back from experiencing the life we want to live. You could be afraid of failure, of disappointment, of change, or of not knowing what the future holds. Most of us have at least one fear holding us back from moving forward in our lives. Overcoming these fears can greatly improve your ability to coast through life. You might not be able to control every aspect of your life, but you can control how you react to it. Being able to let go of your fears can help you coast through life and experience more of the things you want to in life.

Coasting through life means you have to focus on the present more than you do on what’s ahead of you. Otherwise, you could get stuck in a rut and forget to enjoy the journey at hand. While it’s important to have goals and know where you’re going, it can be just as important to enjoy where you are right now. So try to enjoy the smaller moments in life, such as the feeling of wind in your hair or the sound of the waves crashing against the shore. You never know when one of these moments could be the last one in your life, so it’s important to focus on enjoying them.

Don’t be afraid to make changes.

Sometimes, the only way to get yourself unstuck from a rut is to make a drastic change in your life. You might have to move to a new city, change jobs, or make other drastic changes in your life to get yourself unstuck. It might be scary to make big changes, but they can be necessary when you’re coasting through life. Coasting through life doesn’t necessarily mean you have to stay in one place and do the same thing over and over again. Instead, coasting through life is more about being content with where you are in your life and making changes as you see fit. You don’t have to rush into anything drastic or make changes for the sake of making them.

Life is a journey that never truly ends, even when you’re an adult. As you get older, you might feel like this journey is slower than it was in your younger days, but that doesn’t mean it’s any less important. While it’s important to enjoy the journey at hand, you should also be mindful of the journey you have ahead of you. Because even though you might be coasting through life, you still have to remember that you’re always in motion. No matter what you do, your life will never be completely still. So be sure to keep your eyes open and enjoy the ride.

There will always be ups and downs in life, and it’s important to embrace this. Don’t be afraid to take chances on new adventures, even if it means you have to go through a few downs along the way. Because the downs are what make the ups that much more amazing. So whatever you do, don’t let life pass you by. Instead, be present in the moment and enjoy the journey.

**These next posts (including “Living in Fear?”) are posts about where I’ve been during my hiatus and even where I am now. Mentally, Physically, and Emotionally. I am blessed to be surrounded by friends that not only get it but are also trekking on their own journeys. Soon, I’ll be sharing some great news with you all about my newest journey. I am so grateful and blessed by all of my readers, supporters, and subscribers. Thanks to you all, my last post achieved a WordPress milestone and I can’t stop crying from the joy and appreciation of you all. **

With Love,

— Perplexxed.

Living in Fear?

Are you often afraid of something? Do you find yourself avoiding activities or people that make you feel nervous? Perhaps you’re even reluctant to take risks because of your fears. It’s completely natural to be afraid from time to time, but when fear affects every part of your life and lasts for extended periods of time, it may be time to do something about it. Fear is not a bad thing – in fact, it’s a sign that you are aware of the potential danger in a certain situation. However, having an excess amount of fear can prevent you from living your life to the fullest and keep you from achieving your greatest potential. Fear comes in many forms: There is the fear of failure, which stops most people from trying new things; there is also the fear of rejection, which makes many people shy away from romantic relationships; and there is the fear of taking on too much stress, which prevents people from taking on new projects or promotions at work. If left unchecked, these fears can significantly limit what we are able to achieve in our lives. Fortunately, by challenging your fears instead of letting them control you, you can shift your perspective and move forward with confidence.

Talk to People Who Comfort and Inspire You

If you’re struggling with fear, talk to people who have been through similar situations and can reassure you that everything will be okay. This can be difficult if you don’t have many close relationships, so consider joining a club, taking a class, or volunteering where you will meet new people who can support you through your struggles. Talk to your friends and family members about what you are going through. They may not fully understand your fears, but sharing your worries with loved ones can help you put things into perspective and make you feel less alone.

Remember That You Are in Control

As scary as it may be, remember that you are in control of your thoughts and feelings. We have the power to choose how we react to situations, even if they are nerve-wracking. No one can make you feel a certain way unless you allow them to. As you become more aware of your fears, you can also become more aware of the thoughts that lead to these feelings. Once you recognize what your fears are based on and where they come from, you can begin to change your perspective. You can learn to use your rational thoughts to come to your senses when you feel like you are losing control.

Challenge Your Scariest Fears

Take some time to think about the fears that cause you the most stress. What topics make you feel the most anxious? What situations make you want to hide in a corner? When you know what your scariest fears are, you can start to challenge them. For example, let’s say you’re afraid of public speaking. To challenge this fear, start by talking to people who will support you and help you feel more comfortable. Find a mentor who has more experience public speaking.

Take Small Steps Towards Your Bigger Goals

Whether you are trying to overcome a fear or pursue a life-changing goal, it is best to tackle things in small, manageable steps. When you try to take on too much at once, you risk becoming overwhelmed, frustrated, and overwhelmed. Taking small steps will allow you to progress towards your dreams at a comfortable pace, which can help you to reduce stress and anxiety. For example, if you have always wanted to pursue a certain degree but are worried that you’re not smart enough, consider taking a class or two at a local college before making the full-time commitment.

Practice Being Comfortable Again

As you challenge your scariest fears and take steps towards achieving your goals, you may notice that your anxiety levels gradually decrease. However, if your fears continue to rule your life, you can try the following methods to help you relax: – Create an environment that comforts you – Have a special place that you can go to whenever you feel stressed or anxious. This could be a room in your house, a garden, or a park bench where you know you will feel safe and comfortable. – Practice meditation – If you’ve never meditated before, you may think that this is just for people who want to clear their minds of all thoughts. In reality, meditation is perfect for people who are too hyperactive or cannot stop fidgeting. – Go for a walk – Exercise has been proven to help reduce stress levels, so walk around your neighborhood or go for a jog if you are able to. – Listen to music – Music is a great way to relax your mind and body. – Eat healthy – Make sure that you are eating healthy foods, as this can also help you to relax.

Conclusion

Fear doesn’t have to control your life. By challenging your scariest fears and taking steps to reduce your anxiety, you can reduce the impact that fear has on your daily life. By being aware of your fears, you can gain the power to choose how you react to situations, which can help you to overcome your fears and move forward with confidence. Remember, the only way to move past your fears is by facing them head on. Take small steps towards your goals and challenge your scariest fears. With time, you will be able to let go of your fears and live the life you’ve always wanted.

With love, — Perplexxed.

Closure.

“Honestly, the way you’ve made me feel..is that you’re not trying to really hang out with me beyond having sex with me. It’s made me feel shitty and empty inside. The sex has been horrible… with no connection nor excitement. That being said, I don’t want to drag this out any further. I would rather focus my energy on being alone or connecting with someone that values me as a whole person. Furthermore, I feel like every time I pull away you try to validate the fact that you have emotions/feelings for me and then it’s followed up by a bunch of bullshit. So, rather than going through the same pattern again .. I’d like to end things here on a cordial note.

I’m NOT enjoying this!”

**CRINGINGGGG** This is a note from my phone in Oct 2019. My therapist made me type this out to send to someone from my past. I didn’t plan on sharing this, but I saw it scrolling through my notes. Mistakenly, I deleted notes for a blog that I was supposed to post on Valentine’s. Although it applies to what I was writing about initially, it feels so strange reading this now. But, it adds to the *Why* I am the way I am.

Recently, I confided in a friend and shared that I was still heartbroken. This isn’t something that I’ve said out loud because it’s embarrassing. I truly thought I healed myself completely and got over things, but once I realized that was untrue, I acted as if I was okay even though I wasn’t. I didn’t want to admit to still being fucked up over something that I prematurely said that I was over. And it still affecting me bothers the fuckkkkk out of me.

My friend’s favorite thing to say is “Tarrion, you don’t like anyone” and they’re not entirely wrong. It’s not that I don’t like anyone, I just don’t like any of the men that try to talk to me. I’m often called dry, rude and sometimes I can be very closed off and not open to conversation. Sometimes I didn’t give a few people a chance at all. Of all the men that have approached me, there’s only been one that gave me a tingling feeling (lol). There was a spark, and it piqued my interest. I have felt nothing with anyone else and that’s probably why I kept going back to that person. Also, putting myself “out there” isn’t something that I enjoy doing.

Honestly, there aren’t many fish in the sea. Or maybe just my sea. It’s difficult forming attachments with new people. I find it hard to communicate and I have an even harder time finding something to like about them.If we’re being real, dudes aren’t applying any actual pressure. And, in my experience, we’re not looking for the same things and I usually dead it then.

It’s truly because I’m afraid of being hurt again. Because I am. I’m terrified. It wasn’t long ago when things ended and since then I’ve been giving these new niggas HELL. Many of them don’t deserve it, but I haven’t always been in the best space to express how I’ve felt. This has led to me being almost as toxic as my ex. Because when a guy confronts me about a problem or situation, I resort to lying or acting confused instead of saying “xyz”.

You all are familiar with FOMO, right? I have relationship FOMO sometimes. But not in the way you’re probably thinking. If I’m being honest, sometimes I want to be loved by someone romantically. Then, I out snap out of those thoughts/feelings. I don’t know if I’m weird or if it’s a kink, but I rarely like someone until they’re seriously dating, in a relationship with someone else, or are far away. Sadly, I think I like these things because then I know things won’t become serious if they really like that other person. It’s easier to keep them in a “friendlier” zone. I especially prefer long-distance dating.

In reality, it offers me a sense of safety because I keep people at an arm’s distance. It’s a defense mechanism that I’ve identified. I know I’m worthy of more, but I’m not ready for anything too serious. As someone who’s been cheated on, I know that it’s not right to the person they’re dating. Also, getting to know new people isn’t something that I really want to do; dating is extremely tiring! 

This stems from not sharing all the things that I went through during the time I was with that person. I was hurt deeply, and that has affected how I view relationships and how I treat people wanting to get to know me. Still trying to process and accept the hurtful things I experienced while also working on letting those things go. I don’t want to be called “damaged” or anything along the lines. I’m just someone that’s trying to accept, let go, and heal. Finding closure by allowing time to heal all.

WITH LOVE,

—Perplexxed.