TwoSix.

Hiiiiiiiiiii! It’s been a couple of months since my last post, but here we are. Although I haven’t been posting, I’ve been writing during this down time and I’m happy to get back to sharing and growing with you all.

I moved to Houston a day after my birthday (omggg I’m 4 years away from 30). It wasn’t the easiest decision when first thinking about making the move, but over time, the answer and the need became extremely clear.

I visited Houston in early March while on Mardi Gras break to spend time with family and friends. What was supposed to be a quick get-a-way from the stress and troubles of life turned into a moment of releasing and giving up a ton of weight. Before returning home, I was stressed, depressed and just really going through it. My days were literally the same, over and over. 

When I booked my flight to Houston, I could not wait to LEAVE. Honestly, I had the time of my life during my visit home. I laughed, danced, ate reallllly good food, and so much LOVE surrounded me. When booking my trip, I was staying for three days but I pushed my flight back and stayed for two more days.  

On my last day, hours before my flight to New Orleans, I asked my mom if I could move back. Taken aback and visibly confused, she gives me a look before responding “What?”. “I remember asking you a while ago if you wanted to move back or thought about moving back and you just shot it down.. you didn’t even think about it”. And she was right. Back when she asked me, I wasn’t ready to move back. Then, I felt like I would be giving up and I wasn’t ready to let go. As we continued to talk, I felt excitement in her tone. I think she knew I wasn’t okay. I was trying to find a balance in my life.. I was actively searching for a new apartment because my lease was ending and I just felt like things were continuously and consistently being thrown at me.

When I got back to New Orleans, I began to plan and pack so that I could move to Houston. I had to put my two weeks’ notice in at work and schedule meetings with my professors and advisors to finish my semester in Houston. After organizing my affairs, I finally shared the news with friends, coworkers, and acquaintances. I had a small birthday/ going away purrty at one of my fav places in the city. We drank, took pictures and ate food until leaving. Kourtnie and MY mama, Lisa, brought a red velvet cake and everyone sung “Happy Birthday” in the middle of Bayou Beer Garden (I felt so odd because people were watching and singing along). After leaving the party, I went home and packed up my car, then drove to Houston at 5am.

The decision wasn’t a hard one to make, but what made it bittersweet was choosing to leave my framily (friends turned family). Going from seeing them almost daily to now being 300+ miles away sucks. Even though we talk all day, every day. I miss them so much! My friends have been my safe space, a home away from home. They’ve been through the lowest of lows with me. Times where I felt too embarrassed to share certain events/moments they were always there. 

I’ve been back for about 3 months and I’m still readjusting. I’ve been gone for 5+ years, some things are verrrry different. Thankfully, all of my family is here and so are my best friends. Since moving back, I’ve been out more than I was in New Orleans. There’s always something to do. And I’ve become reacquainted with distant/old friends. But being out too much hasn’t helped me find balance.

I haven’t had a lot of alone time; I see most of my family and my friends often. Then they’re the holidays. Stuff is just back to back. In New Orleans, I spent a lot of time by myself, whether it be at home or out, but now I live with my parents. AND I am not used to talking to people every day :/. It can be very overwhelming sometimes, but it’s been super helpful. Seeing and talking to people regularly helps with not feeling alone, my depression and anxiety. Spending time with my parents daily is helpful, no matter how annoying my mom may be. My best friend, Ivy, has been a tremendous help in feeling better about returning home. 

More than anything, I do not want to use this time incorrectly, this time and this move is giving me the space that I need to make myself whole. For a while, I’ve seriously considered taking antidepressants to help. But now, I’m in the perfect environment to grow and really focus on bettering myself in a way that does not include medication. I don’t want to continue to struggle mentally, and I’m prioritizing my mental health without worrying about the smallest responsibilities.

–Until next time <3,

Perplexxed.

Closure.

“Honestly, the way you’ve made me feel..is that you’re not trying to really hang out with me beyond having sex with me. It’s made me feel shitty and empty inside. The sex has been horrible… with no connection nor excitement. That being said, I don’t want to drag this out any further. I would rather focus my energy on being alone or connecting with someone that values me as a whole person. Furthermore, I feel like every time I pull away you try to validate the fact that you have emotions/feelings for me and then it’s followed up by a bunch of bullshit. So, rather than going through the same pattern again .. I’d like to end things here on a cordial note.

I’m NOT enjoying this!”

**CRINGINGGGG** This is a note from my phone in Oct 2019. My therapist made me type this out to send to someone from my past. I didn’t plan on sharing this, but I saw it scrolling through my notes. Mistakenly, I deleted notes for a blog that I was supposed to post on Valentine’s. Although it applies to what I was writing about initially, it feels so strange reading this now. But, it adds to the *Why* I am the way I am.

Recently, I confided in a friend and shared that I was still heartbroken. This isn’t something that I’ve said out loud because it’s embarrassing. I truly thought I healed myself completely and got over things, but once I realized that was untrue, I acted as if I was okay even though I wasn’t. I didn’t want to admit to still being fucked up over something that I prematurely said that I was over. And it still affecting me bothers the fuckkkkk out of me.

My friend’s favorite thing to say is “Tarrion, you don’t like anyone” and they’re not entirely wrong. It’s not that I don’t like anyone, I just don’t like any of the men that try to talk to me. I’m often called dry, rude and sometimes I can be very closed off and not open to conversation. Sometimes I didn’t give a few people a chance at all. Of all the men that have approached me, there’s only been one that gave me a tingling feeling (lol). There was a spark, and it piqued my interest. I have felt nothing with anyone else and that’s probably why I kept going back to that person. Also, putting myself “out there” isn’t something that I enjoy doing.

Honestly, there aren’t many fish in the sea. Or maybe just my sea. It’s difficult forming attachments with new people. I find it hard to communicate and I have an even harder time finding something to like about them.If we’re being real, dudes aren’t applying any actual pressure. And, in my experience, we’re not looking for the same things and I usually dead it then.

It’s truly because I’m afraid of being hurt again. Because I am. I’m terrified. It wasn’t long ago when things ended and since then I’ve been giving these new niggas HELL. Many of them don’t deserve it, but I haven’t always been in the best space to express how I’ve felt. This has led to me being almost as toxic as my ex. Because when a guy confronts me about a problem or situation, I resort to lying or acting confused instead of saying “xyz”.

You all are familiar with FOMO, right? I have relationship FOMO sometimes. But not in the way you’re probably thinking. If I’m being honest, sometimes I want to be loved by someone romantically. Then, I out snap out of those thoughts/feelings. I don’t know if I’m weird or if it’s a kink, but I rarely like someone until they’re seriously dating, in a relationship with someone else, or are far away. Sadly, I think I like these things because then I know things won’t become serious if they really like that other person. It’s easier to keep them in a “friendlier” zone. I especially prefer long-distance dating.

In reality, it offers me a sense of safety because I keep people at an arm’s distance. It’s a defense mechanism that I’ve identified. I know I’m worthy of more, but I’m not ready for anything too serious. As someone who’s been cheated on, I know that it’s not right to the person they’re dating. Also, getting to know new people isn’t something that I really want to do; dating is extremely tiring! 

This stems from not sharing all the things that I went through during the time I was with that person. I was hurt deeply, and that has affected how I view relationships and how I treat people wanting to get to know me. Still trying to process and accept the hurtful things I experienced while also working on letting those things go. I don’t want to be called “damaged” or anything along the lines. I’m just someone that’s trying to accept, let go, and heal. Finding closure by allowing time to heal all.

WITH LOVE,

—Perplexxed.

Baby Steps.

Hi, I started writing the bottom portion of this post in early January, but I never finished it and I sat on it. I slipped back into a depressive state (without fully accepting it) and then retrograde happened. I felt like I was going through unique twists and turns last month and I only had enough energy to focus on two things: myself and school. For a while, I felt like I couldn’t keep up with everything and after a while; I tapped out and let all the bad things take over and consume the little light that I had.

Something I wanted to change for the January and the New Year was my body. I gained a lotttt of weight while depressed. I ate lots of fast foods and hot chips. Honestly, I’m afraid to go to my doctor because it’s likely that I now have high blood pressure. There have been days where I haven’t wanted to leave my house because of my appearance. I don’t feel comfortable in my clothes and I’ve ripped a few of my fav pairs of jeans over the past month. And those specific pairs aren’t cheap *crying*. It’s hard going to work, school and the gym when I don’t feel confident. But I’m pushing through!

I’ll talk about this later in the original post but I failed two classes last semester and because of that I’ve been on TEN! Now I try to complete all assignments, tests, discussions and exams at the beginning of my week. Don’t judge, but I also get to my 9:30 am classes, 15 mins early just to sit in the front and prepare for my lecture. I study like my life depends on it (it does) and I make sure my work is flawless. I got shit to prove! It was embarrassing, sitting on a zoom call with both my dean and advisor and have a not so fun talk about my future in my program. My grades FUND my academic career!

Thankfully, I’m in a much better space since December but also better since starting the initial post. I’m taking my time with things and even though things aren’t moving as fast as I would like them to, I see progress. I’ve titled this phase “Baby Steps”. It came to me after getting back into the gym. The first day back in the gym, I was in there for 10 mins. Every day after I worked out more and used more machines, extending my time. I think we can all agree that getting back in the gym is rough and uncomfortable. Like it just feels like everyone is staring at or watching you? Right? Right.

____________________

Let me start by saying, I am better today than I was a few weeks ago. I’m currently happy hour-ing at my fav spot and also my old job lol. I got my eyebrows threaded, went to the mall, and talked to my mom before getting here. Let’s just say.. I’m having a beautiful Friday!

I wrote “The Blues. (Depression Awareness)” last year in October. I talked about seasonal depression and my experiences during that time. Fortunately, I am no longer sad or depressed. But October-December was a horrible time.

Those few months were super difficult, and I really didn’t think that anything was going to get better. I never really shared this, but I was borderline suicidal. Things got so dark that I couldn’t do it anymore. I didn’t want to wake up and live another dark day. Thankfully, I didn’t commit suicide, nor did I do anything to harm myself.

Eventually, I formed an alcohol problem. I found any reason to drink. I didn’t notice until I realized I was drunk for two days in a row for no real reason. It was the middle of the week. I went to CVS and Rouses and bought bottles of wine and would drink the bottles of wine. No glasses, no cups, no nothing. Usually, I keep a garbage bag of water bottles to recycle in my room. The bag that I used to discard all of my bottles of wine was just as big and 5x’s heavier. It made little sense to have that many bottles in a garbage bag. I would get drunk, play sims and go to sleep and repeat. This is so embarrassing to share because this doesn’t sound like ME! ……..It was a very wild time.

I was so low and in such a dark space during this time. So many things were going on and I just couldn’t keep up with the punches. It was literally one thing after another. I could wake up and choose violence every single day because rightfully, I could’ve. There were no breaks in between punches and, because of life, I had to get up and keep going.

Sadly, I failed two classes last semester and now I’m on academic probation. If it weren’t for me talking to my advisor and dean about my mental health, I wouldn’t have this second chance and I would’ve been kicked out of my grad program. Truly, I pride myself on my academic success, so for it to be in jeopardy really affects me. I asked myself if I was good enough and I actually thought about changing paths because of this. I was just disappointed and too ashamed to accept the reality of failing TWO classes.

My mom, my stepdad, my family and my friends. Jesus, I would not have made it through any of it if it weren’t for them. Everyone came running to help and just cover me in love. When I had nothing, they got it. I really don’t know when I’ll be able to repay them how I would like but I’ll find something that works. I really want to show my appreciation, something that really signifies and shows my love for them individually. More than anything, I am blessed to have my tribe. I know for certain my friends are with me at my lowest and highest. I thank you all <3.

My mistakes have limited my life and my presence in life. I’ve realized how much I’ve missed due to not being mentally and physically present. I want to take my life back and live how I want to. I’m in a different space and the only way is UP! My 2022 starts today.

–With SO MUCH love,
Perplexxed.

2 Years 🥂.

2 years of Perplexxed. 2 years of me sharing my truth. 2 years of love, transparency, vulnerability and honesty.

Fortunately, I remember the night I created and published Perplexxed. I never planned on starting a blog, at least not like this. I was heartbroken and tired of acting like I was okay, when in fact, I was NOT. So, I pulled out my laptop, went to WordPress.com, created my site, named it and published ‘My Shit Stinks, Too!’.

That night, I felt so cold and hurt after what I had taken place with an ex. I decided to not just shut up but to speak up. I had been in and out of a toxic relationship from 2017 until that night. There were things I shared with friends, but I never told full stories or entire truths because I was too embarrassed. Embarrassed of admitting things I went through while in that relationship.

The picture/thumbnail used for this post was a snapchat that I sent to a friend while I was crying. I wiped my face and acted as if I was okay and gave a toast to the new year. I remember feeling like shit, crying, and drinking two bottles of wine alone. And, I chose that picture because it reminds me of where I came from and where it all started. Unfortunately, I didn’t come out to my mom until that year (2019) and I wish I came out sooner because I needed her. I was longing for her advice, guidance, and wisdom. Had I been open with her before dating, I just know that things would have been different for me and that some things would not have happened. Honestly, my life would be different and less toxic.

Going through the years of acting like everything was peaches and cream really fucked up my mental. I never got the help, closure, or the advice needed because I shared nothing I was going through. In 2019, I started therapy and talked. In each session, I cried. It felt so good to just let my troubles flow out and talk to someone. (Initially, I loved the idea of therapy because I could sue you for sharing any of my business lol.) I’ve always been a super private person because that’s how I was raised. There’s a lot that I didn’t share and wouldn’t have shared if it weren’t for Perplexxed.

In the beginning, I would post my blog, share it on the socials and put my phone DND. I was too embarrassed and afraid of judgement. It took me a while to become comfortable sharing my truths and accept the praise and positive responses. People are always applauding me for being brave, transparent and vulnerable, and I accept it. It can be hard standing in your truth and being real about what you’re going through, so I created Perplexxed. I wanted to take my power back from people and things that have taken it from me. I’ve found my voice, my light and my people through writing my blog.

I’ve shared some of my most intimate moments with you all, heartbreak, rape, death, mental illness and just the general struggle of adulting. Prior to sharing ‘Me, Too.’ I told no one about being raped. Through finding myself, building myself up and the courage to be honest, I shared it with you all. It felt so GOOOOOOD to just write and let it go! Minutes before posting it, I told my mom. She’s an avid reader of Perplexxed and it would’ve been fucked up for her to find out from my blog and not directly from me. While in therapy, I really realized how much that moment fucked up my life and future relationships. And I just kept writing and sharing with you all.

2 years ago I didn’t think that I’d be writing anything. Honestly, I didn’t think I was going to publish anything after my initial post because I was too scared to continue. Through faith and my mom, I kept going and kept writing. And of course, because of you all and your kind words, I kept writing. Just like sex, heartbreak and love sell, too! “Just Might x Self-Destruction” is what brought my blog to success and social media popularity. Me talking about my breakup and heart break garnered a lot of traffic and I’ve held on to it since then, even through periods of not posting.

I turned my pain into purpose and created something so beautiful. I created an online family and community. Perplexxed has become a safe space and an online journal for the world to read. My only goal for this year was to have more views that I did in 2020. I surpassed my 2020 views by THOUSANDS and I cried. In 2020, I had readers in 7 countries and this year I had readers in 16 countries and I cried again.

I really want to give a big THANK YOU to all of my friends, loved ones and readers! Thanks to you, I made it through 2021 and 2 YEARS OF WRITING PERPLEXXED.!!!!!!!!!!

Happy New Year!

WITH LOVE,

— Perplexxed. /Tarrion J.

20 Something’s

What did Yung Miami say? “They say yo 20’s are the best years of your life! So ima have a mf BALL!”

This is definitely not my mood these days and sadly, I won’t be able to get this time back. I have less than 5 years left in my 20s and I WANT TO LIVE!

If you read my last post, then you know that I’m experiencing depression, add crippling anxiety to that mix and yeah lol. These past several weeks have been horrible and detrimental to both my mental and physical health. Throughout this time I’ve gained weight, lived in filth and for a period, I didn’t even shower. If you judge or make fun of me, go to hell. This episode has been the worst since finding out that I suffer from seasonal depression. I feel guilty and like people hate me, I barely leave my room, let alone my house and my environment is filthy. Two weeks ago, Mel’s (my fur baby) kitty litter was so disgusting that there were gnats IN his litter.

Eventually, I believed everyone hated me, or I felt as if I did something to someone. I avoided my roomies because I thought they hated me and something kept telling me they were talking about me (sorry ya’ll). My room became my only safe space and so did Sims4. I racked up over 3500+ hours of playtime in Sims :/. But that was the only thing that made me feel great. I escaped from the real world.

What makes this episode worse is the fact that both my depression and anxiety have teamed up to break me down. My anxiety prevents me from doing MANY things. Whether they’re minor tasks, like dropping off a package to return to the UPS drop-box ACROSS THE STREET from my house, going to the grocery store to get groceries or getting my oil changed. It’s a challenge trying to do big/small things and the smallest things stresses and burns me out.

Just a few days ago, I returned from my trip to Houston and the dark cloud made its way back over my head. While away, I felt lighter, and I actually wanted to engage and interact with others. Those few days afforded me the energy to socialize and complete assignments. I felt well enough to heal and push further more. I am failing and will fail one of my NEEDED classes and will have to retake it. Of course, this just made me feel more like shit. Although my trip was only 6 days, I believe that those 6 days lit a small fire and has made me want to come out of this darkness more than before.

Recently, I quit my job; I didn’t want to, but I had to for the sake of not having a panic attack. I loved my job! It was easy, fun and I got paid weekly. Initially, I planned on putting in my two weeks, but there was too much going on, so I left. I was going to be fine with not getting paid for a week or two after leaving and getting my last check. After that check, I could pay my rent and budget the rest. Unfortunately, my former employer is withholding my check because she’s upset about me quitting. This absolutely fucks me up and annoys the fuck out of me and now there’s a possibility that I won’t be able to pay my portion of rent in the next 6 days. This only makes me even more stressed because give me my fucking money.

As if life isn’t hard of enough, my mental health has made it more difficult. Sometimes I wish I were “normal” and could be as seemingly happy as others. But, what is “normal”?

Existing is already challenging, but navigating my 20s has become tricky. Every day, I feel lost while even working towards my goals. I just feel like I’m not getting anywhere. Yes, I’ve had a bit of success in my career, academics and even blogging, but nothing is good enough. I’ll post a fire pic in a fit and make shit look great, but I was probably crying when I posted it. Don’t be fooled.

Last month, I flew out to New York City to shoot a video for my blog with a good friend. I was extremely happy about it and thankfully, that project was the only thing that brought me joy. While in NYC, I felt like I could conquer the world and do anything that I dreamt. But, that’s all it was, a dream. As soon as I returned home, I fell back into the darkness. I had plans for my next blog and didn’t write a thing! I also lost the concept and what exactly I wanted to write because I didn’t write it down.

Dating has become even harder. I already didn’t like anyone now, I really don’t have any interest in anything. After reading this, I’m sure there won’t be many people interested in me. Sorry, not sorry. When I experience any sadness, I always think about hitting up someone from my past and I hate it. I don’t want to run back to my past or ever feel so low that I feel like that’s what I deserve. It’s hard trying to fight against the voice in your head that’s telling you to do something you truly don’t want to do. I still do it, though :/.

Sadly, I’ll be 26 in 4 months. I have a little over 4 years to get my life together before my 30s. Sure, I see life being amazing before then, but right now it isn’t. There’s so much to do and see and I want to experience a happy/full life. Initially, I wanted to name this “20 Something’s” because I wanted to talk about life…. just not like this. But this is real life, my real life.

I’m sharing all of this because starting today, I’ll make it my purpose to do more each day. To keep pushing and striving to be and do better. Instead of harping on the negatives, I’ll be grateful for the positives and the things I have. I have a child to live for, nieces and nephews and everyone else that wants to see me be great.

Thanks for never judging me (I hope) and for being a part of my safe space.

WITH LOVE,

— Perplexxed.