Idk this year has been an eye opener. This is the year I chose myself. The year I put myself first and do what’s best for me without a second thought. I trusted myself, and I chose Tarrion.
I published my first blog a year ago today, and this has been the best thing that I’ve ever done for myself. My first real post, “Just Might x Self-Destruction.” was rough! I wrote it, copied it to my WordPress, published it and threw my phone across the room because I thought it was too much. I knew that when I created this space, I was putting my personal life and feelings out into the world and it was a LOT! But this was something that I felt like I had to do for myself. After several more posts, I shared one of my darkest moments in “Me, Too.” This was my first time sharing and/ or talking about that situation. Before posting it, I had to have a conversation with my mom because she reads my blog and that was difficult so I knew when I published it it was going to be just as difficult. Here I am sharing my rape/ sexual assault story with the world just minutes after telling my mom I was raped, and she had no clue that this ever happened to me.
Creating this space has catapulted me into a space of self-love and self-acceptance. I hate that I say this because it’s not necessarily a good thing, but seeing other people understand and relate to my stories has been so comforting. It helped me see that I wasn’t the only going through things or feeling the ways I did. It has made me feel okay. Perplexxed has also connected me with sooo many beautiful people with so many beautiful stories. Through this blog and you all, I’ve been able to grow/ heal and for that I am eternally grateful.
I spent so much time reminiscing on my past while also wishing that I could go back in time and make different choices. All while knowing that it is impossible to go back in time. As much as I wish things were different, I have to accept the facts and continue to move on and make better decisions. Every day, I make it a task to be the best person I can be and also make healthier/ better decisions. 10 years from now, I don’t want to be sitting around thinking about today or any day this year filled with regret. That’s miserable, and that isn’t a life that I want to continue living.
I’ve wasted so much time worrying about the next day or the next whatever and ultimately doing this took away my joy. Sometimes I become so disappointed and upset with myself because I’m not always proud of who I am or again, proud of choices I’ve made. And honestly, sometimes these things eat me up inside. But now I couldn’t be any happier, more confident or more proud of myself.
I feel like I say this every year, but I truly feel like I found myself this year. I’ve accepted mistakes, I’ve learned, I’ve loved and I’ve lost a lot this year. Something that I lost that I won’t miss is who I thought I was / who I was trying to be. I was too busy trying to be someone that I’m not. For who? Not sure honestly, but yeah lol. Not sure if I was trying to shape and mold myself into something that fit in with the masses or what? Even things like my sexuality and how to be and not to be when out in public. Chile, fuck that!
I was so worried about receiving ugly looks or being called names by others just because of my sexuality. Like how was I going out and barely having fun because I was too concerned about what people had to say about me?? EW! It’s wack and thankfully I don’t care about things outside of myself anymore. Luckily, I’m blessed with amazing friends and family. Because of them and through them I’ve been able to be more comfortable in all settings and when I’m with all my friends, it’s UP!
The goal for 2021 is to just be. Be happy, excited, in love, adventurous, sad or whatever I want to be. That’s what I want to be, it’s who I want to be. I just want to live and feel like I am alive. I truly feel like I take life for granted, and I don’t appreciate it like I should. My days are the same, it’s school, work, run , play sims and repeat. Rarely do I stop and just feel or just stop to smell the roses.
This year, although it’s been quite rough, has given me all the time I need to just figure out who Tarrion is. This blog, my blog has been everything I needed and more!! I don’t regret sharing intimate parts of my life, nor do I experience any second hand embarrassment. This beautiful thing has brought me nothing but happiness, confidence, love and peace. Truly, it’s what I am most proud of. Sort of have this feeling that’s telling me that this blog was only for this year or this chapter in my life. Through love, therapy , a lot of music and hundreds of hours spent playing sims, I am no longer in the place that I was when I started this. I won’t completely throw it away, but I feel like something else is coming and I want to dedicate my time and love to that project.
Super appreciative for all the love and these beautiful relationships that contrived from this blog. Thankful for my friends and my family. I wish you all nothing but happiness, love, peace and big bags in 2021.
With Love & A Happy New Year,
–Perplexxed.
Perplexxed. 