Hi, I started writing the bottom portion of this post in early January, but I never finished it and I sat on it. I slipped back into a depressive state (without fully accepting it) and then retrograde happened. I felt like I was going through unique twists and turns last month and I only had enough energy to focus on two things: myself and school. For a while, I felt like I couldn’t keep up with everything and after a while; I tapped out and let all the bad things take over and consume the little light that I had.
Something I wanted to change for the January and the New Year was my body. I gained a lotttt of weight while depressed. I ate lots of fast foods and hot chips. Honestly, I’m afraid to go to my doctor because it’s likely that I now have high blood pressure. There have been days where I haven’t wanted to leave my house because of my appearance. I don’t feel comfortable in my clothes and I’ve ripped a few of my fav pairs of jeans over the past month. And those specific pairs aren’t cheap *crying*. It’s hard going to work, school and the gym when I don’t feel confident. But I’m pushing through!
I’ll talk about this later in the original post but I failed two classes last semester and because of that I’ve been on TEN! Now I try to complete all assignments, tests, discussions and exams at the beginning of my week. Don’t judge, but I also get to my 9:30 am classes, 15 mins early just to sit in the front and prepare for my lecture. I study like my life depends on it (it does) and I make sure my work is flawless. I got shit to prove! It was embarrassing, sitting on a zoom call with both my dean and advisor and have a not so fun talk about my future in my program. My grades FUND my academic career!
Thankfully, I’m in a much better space since December but also better since starting the initial post. I’m taking my time with things and even though things aren’t moving as fast as I would like them to, I see progress. I’ve titled this phase “Baby Steps”. It came to me after getting back into the gym. The first day back in the gym, I was in there for 10 mins. Every day after I worked out more and used more machines, extending my time. I think we can all agree that getting back in the gym is rough and uncomfortable. Like it just feels like everyone is staring at or watching you? Right? Right.
Let me start by saying, I am better today than I was a few weeks ago. I’m currently happy hour-ing at my fav spot and also my old job lol. I got my eyebrows threaded, went to the mall, and talked to my mom before getting here. Let’s just say.. I’m having a beautiful Friday!
I wrote “The Blues. (Depression Awareness)” last year in October. I talked about seasonal depression and my experiences during that time. Fortunately, I am no longer sad or depressed. But October-December was a horrible time.
Those few months were super difficult, and I really didn’t think that anything was going to get better. I never really shared this, but I was borderline suicidal. Things got so dark that I couldn’t do it anymore. I didn’t want to wake up and live another dark day. Thankfully, I didn’t commit suicide, nor did I do anything to harm myself.
Eventually, I formed an alcohol problem. I found any reason to drink. I didn’t notice until I realized I was drunk for two days in a row for no real reason. It was the middle of the week. I went to CVS and Rouses and bought bottles of wine and would drink the bottles of wine. No glasses, no cups, no nothing. Usually, I keep a garbage bag of water bottles to recycle in my room. The bag that I used to discard all of my bottles of wine was just as big and 5x’s heavier. It made little sense to have that many bottles in a garbage bag. I would get drunk, play sims and go to sleep and repeat. This is so embarrassing to share because this doesn’t sound like ME! ……..It was a very wild time.
I was so low and in such a dark space during this time. So many things were going on and I just couldn’t keep up with the punches. It was literally one thing after another. I could wake up and choose violence every single day because rightfully, I could’ve. There were no breaks in between punches and, because of life, I had to get up and keep going.
Sadly, I failed two classes last semester and now I’m on academic probation. If it weren’t for me talking to my advisor and dean about my mental health, I wouldn’t have this second chance and I would’ve been kicked out of my grad program. Truly, I pride myself on my academic success, so for it to be in jeopardy really affects me. I asked myself if I was good enough and I actually thought about changing paths because of this. I was just disappointed and too ashamed to accept the reality of failing TWO classes.
My mom, my stepdad, my family and my friends. Jesus, I would not have made it through any of it if it weren’t for them. Everyone came running to help and just cover me in love. When I had nothing, they got it. I really don’t know when I’ll be able to repay them how I would like but I’ll find something that works. I really want to show my appreciation, something that really signifies and shows my love for them individually. More than anything, I am blessed to have my tribe. I know for certain my friends are with me at my lowest and highest. I thank you all <3.
My mistakes have limited my life and my presence in life. I’ve realized how much I’ve missed due to not being mentally and physically present. I want to take my life back and live how I want to. I’m in a different space and the only way is UP! My 2022 starts today.
–With SO MUCH love,